Hi, I have been friends with some one who is suicidal, I started developing feelings for this person and was in denial about it for quite awhile.
This person is a good friend in the way that they were just quite loyal and would be willing to spend their time listening to me if I had any problems. Even though this person did care about me they would never say anything and I would ramble on to make up for the fact that this person didn’t say anything. It always made me feel horrible and they also confessed to liking someone not even just liking but being in love with some one and they constantly talked about how beautiful and amazing this person was.They would also talk about how attractive other girls were. This person was unaware of my feelings towards them.

It made me feel extremely worthless and unattractive and I was constantly down about it. I had wanted to end the friendship for quite awhile but since this person was suicidal I felt like it was my responsibility to be there for them even though it was painful. I knew distancing myself would not work because they would be able to tell and since they work at my workplace it was really hard to avoid them. One day I snapped and said that the friendship was unhealthy and I wanted it to end. They didn’t react and said they were in too much pain to think about this at the moment. I was devastated that the person didn’t even care that I was leaving. The next day the person apologised through text, and I ignored the message for a week because I thought it was a good way for the friendship to end because then they would think that the end of the friendship was their fault not mine – I know – its horrible, but I just hated the guilt that came along with it.

I missed this person soo soo much though since we used to talk pretty much everyday and I sent them a message saying all things like I wish I never let them get that close, I guess I was lashing out because I knew it was my fault. I said I would forgive them but I needed time even though I was the one who screwed up the friendship in the first place. Then they sent me a text back saying they had accepted the end of the friendship and they didn’t think it was a good idea to try and continue the friendship. I was miserable.

Its been two weeks and they are all I think about, I know that maybe if I tried I could try and get this person to be friends with me again but I would just look desperate and needy. Also being friends with this person really broke down my confidence and self esteem. I guess I just needed a place to vent and maybe some ideas to move on and let this go especially cause I have to see this person around my work place but since we work on different jobs I don’t actually have to communicate with them. I’ve just woken up miserable a lot of these days and I feel like a horrible person because I know this friendship would have worked out if it wasn’t for my feelings. I think I’m mostly so upset because I know I’ll never find someone exactly like them, they are so different and interesting but I know being around them was bad for me.. I just need some help on trying to get past this cause sometimes I cant get them out of my head and I just end up feeling really really down, I just really hate how I handled the situation as well, but for me telling them how I really felt was not an option