Good Morning Rox, Thank you for your message, you are correct, I know nothing would change my ex is who she is and I know that whoever she ends up with the same will happen again and again.  She was the same with her best friend of 18 years who’s mum went on the same journey as my dad.  She gave her friend little or no support.

I’ve learnt to trust my gut feelings from now on.

It’s the first time in 10 months that any thoughts like this have happened.  Yes, I was madly in Love with my ex, yet I couldn’t get my head around her choices as I would never do any of the above to anyone, even if they were my enemy.  When people talk about what happened with us, I still make excuses for her, yet if one of my friends were to write what I wrote, I’d be saying are you mad?

I have to admit, as the year went on, my heart stopped being in it also and for the last few months, I’d emotionally removed myself for the relationship myself.

Writing my message above cleared my head and put last year where it should be, back in the past, it’s put me back on track.  It’s also shown me that writing my thoughts down either here on in general is a great way to clear my head.

My new lady is brilliant, well rounded, loving, funny and beautiful in every way. We have a great relationship and know where we want to be and want to go.  I am so looking forwards to our future together and she is going to get all of me.  We are friends and confidents, there isn’t that intensity there and other outside influences which makes it so easy.  I’m a calmer, happier person, probably more than I have ever been in my whole life.

Thanks for the advice, it’s much appreciated.

Hi Anita

That’s brilliant.  I know the answers deep down and those few days were a bit of a jolt.  I am so happy with my new lady, we talk about everything, there is trust, love, respect, support everything.  I’ve also broken a cycle with her as she isn’t a damsel in distress so I’m not on a Roller Coaster, or Washing Machine.  It’s a mature happy relationship.  My lady adores my son and they get on like a house on fire.

There is no way that I would go backwards or go back to my ex, in fact, I have been more cross at myself as I should have trusted my gut feelings in the early days and that would have saved me, my ex and our respective kids the pain of another family break up.  It was interesting that when I told my son that my ex and I had split and why, he said that I deserved better and that the things that didn’t happen were the basics of any relationship.  Wise head on a 14 year olds shoulders.

I feel sad for my ex as she is from a very dysfunctional family and also had a really tough arranged marriage where she was beaten and controlled.  In hindsight, she needed time to find herself and become who she wants to be so that she could give her heart and soul to someone.

Anyway, my lady and I are looking forwards together, planning Christmas, holidays and outings with my son.  I am truly happy, as I am calm and can be myself, give and receive love in the right way.

Thank You

I’m so glad I wrote the above.

last night, another friend contacted me  to tell me that my ex was on a well renowned dating site.  Why people do this, I’ll never know.  He tried to make light of it and sent me what she had written.  Her like/comments were all comments that my dad and I talked about weeks before he passed away.  My first thought was fury as she wasn’t interested in being there for us when dad was alive, yet could use our words to pull another man.  It was tempting to write to her and express my displeasure at this as I initally thought how sick!!!

After a bit of meditation a good nights sleep and a nice workout, I see it totally differently.  It’s not my issue what she does anymore.  We have made our choices and need to move on.  I’d love her to meet someone and be happy.  My choice was to take some time out, be on my own and heal myself, wait for something to happen naturally without the interview process and this has happened and I am so much better for it.

I see years of pain and hurt for my ex which will only make her worse, I also feel for the kids as they have been through so so much from both parents, such a long story.  I did feel like saying to her, “just stop and think for 5 minutes, your son has just gone to Uni, your daughter has just started 6th form and both will need you.  Why can’t you spend your time focusing on them and yourself solely for a little while instead of trying to get another man in your life, don’t you think they’ve been through enough in their young lives?”

Both kids used to come to me for advice, support and help as opposed to their mum and dad as I was around more than either of their parents and their dads new wife.

I woke this morning thinking how lucky I am and as I write this, I feel totally blessed as my new lady and I can talk about all of the things that are going on in both of our lives, we listen, we don’t judge and we aren’t threatened by what we hear.  I know that I’ve broken my cycle of  looking for Damsells in Distress and the hurt this causes in the long run.

Have a great weekend.

Andy

Hi Anita,

Thanks for the feedback.  Fortunately for me, my parents were amazing, my mum still is.  Yes, hey made mistakes but don’t we all.?

I spoke to m new lady about this and we had a really good chat about it as our relationship has moved on the last few weeks and I don’t want any secrets.  She was brilliant, she said exactly what I said, even before I told her how I felt about it.

We’ve both discussed our pasts and are very open.  Nothing phases us as we are in everything together.  Along with my Son and her little dog, we’ve created our own little family unit and all of us couldn’ be happier.

My ex, is well and truly in the past.  The comments show that my thoughts were not far off and that she’s still to found her true self.  These posts have enabled me to forgive her and also forgive myself properly, allowing me to look forwards now to a great future.

thanks

andy

Here’s an update for you guys.

So, last weekend, I received a text message and email out of the blue from my ex.  “Hey Andy, hope you are well, I have some of your Christmas Decorations here, would you like to collect them.”  I poke to my lady and she asked how I felt about it.  For me, I was fine with it and so did my amazing lady.

So, after finishing work and having been in her area, I arranged to pick them up this evening on my way home.

As you can imagine, as today drew closer, I was quite nervous.  However, when I arrived at her house, I felt comfortable and confident about the situation, I was initially worried how I would feel, would I get upset, would the hurt return etc.

I arrived at her house and was saddened to see, the hedges and garden hadn’t been done, something I’d always done.  Her fences had blown over.  This was the first shock.  The second was when she answered the door.

She hadn’t done her hair, it was grey in her roots, this was something she always did.  Her eyes were tired and she was just so sad.  The difference in our lives since separating was massive.  I had a coffee and chatted to her, her house hadn’t been touched since I left it in January this year.  It was heartbreaking as I could have cried for her.  I didn’t look at her as my ex, but as a friend who’d been hurt and through a tough time.  She’s had a tough time at work and told me I was right about the things I’d said to her when we were together.

As I left, I gave her a hug and she clung on to me like she was glued to me.  Whilst driving home, she texted me to say how lovely it was to see me again.  I thanked her for letting me know about the decorations and that I’d got home safe.

I kept everything polite and positive didn’t talk about the past and told her to make sure she looked after herself.

I’m in  a different life now and today gave me some more closure on my last chapter allowing me to focus even more on this new chapter.

i hope my day  really does find herself and true happiness one day.