Hello Anita,

I appreciate your reply, thank you. I also know more about CBT, but from what I understand, EFT is an attachment theory and is focused on improving emotional connection in your intimate relationships. It deals with the ability to recognize your emotions and how they affect others. That would be a generic overview.

To answer your questions, when we first met, he seemed very easy and kind. We were able to have great conversations and spend time together, which is my love language. He seemed very positive and it felt good being around him. This is of course with any new relationship, and in trying to determine what happened, he has mentioned also feeling really good in the beginning (and his depression didn’t seem evident to him either), but with “real life” and daily issues, I suppose things changed.

The fights were first about silly things. One time being I asked him if he fed the dogs (his dogs). He took offense to that and got angry, I didn’t understand, so I got upset. Eventually he told me he felt I was judging him in that he wasn’t taking care of his dogs, when in essence, I love his dogs and was simply wondering if I should feed them. The fights seemed very petty and are many times simple misunderstandings, that I feel he doesn’t understand. Now, the fights become very heated on both sides and we always say the same things to each other and don’t “hear it.” Usually, I like (and need to) talk things out, so I bring something up, and no matter what it is, Ben takes offense or as I mentioned, gets defensive, and then I get angry, and then he gets more angry.

I enjoyed the counselor because I felt that she related to what I was going through, and it was the only place I could talk about our “stuff.” Being newly married, I don’t want to “complain” to my parents or friends. Everyone assumed we are deeply in love and living this happy, glorious life. She seemed to understand what I/we were going through, and the couple times we met separately, she mentioned his perception of truth being skewed and wished he could push through to talk, even if it ended badly. The benefits for me, was to voice my feelings and opinions in a neutral environment and be at least “heard,” which doesn’t happen at home.

I am sorry this is wordy, and hope this information is what you are looking for.

Thanks again,
P

HI Anita,

Truth. All of what you wrote, and it did help me go awww…I have a part in this (obviously), and my part can be controlled. I can get frustrated and eventually, angry. Your saying, when your anger is up, your IQ goes down, is absolutely correct. And perhaps I did judge in the past, and that is what he assumes is going to happen? I didn’t look at it that way. It is interesting that at one time we had a really good thing, and I struggle with where that went. It is him and I. And sometimes, I can easily point the finger on why “he” can’t communicate. Perhaps I am not providing a safe platform for him to do that.

Last night, I was going to meet a friend out of town to “get away,” as I tend to do when things get difficult. After I read your comment, I decided to stay home and work hard at being kind and loving. He is now making breakfast as I am writing this. Things seem better today. Thank you for your response and holding me accountable (as a friend should).

Side note: we appreciate what you do for TB community, Anita. You always invest your time and wisdom on others and have for a very long time. You are a good soul. Thank you for all that you give!

Take care,
P