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Torn n eaten by guilt. Need opinions please!

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  • April 14, 2020 at 11:52 am #348234
    Olga
    Participant

    Hey, I would be ever so grateful to hear some opinions on the matter which is tormenting me.. I long for redemption and forgiveness but have no faith..well, my exboyfriend, who has dumped me 3-4 times in the past and moved to another country in order to pursue his career, was there for me the last few months as I had tremendous family issues. He came to visit, he calmed me, talked to me, slept with me, we still have contact everyday although he’s back in another country again..in the meantime I met one of his friends on the street and to make it short we got drunk and landed at his place.. i have no Memory whatsoever but I think we probably slept with eachother( losing control like that is a terrible habit I’m trying to overcome, when I drink I forget everything and don’t know what the hell im doing).. I don’t want to excuse my behaviour with the booze, but I have no idea how that could of happened. I don’t find his friend attractive nor have i cheated on my ex when we were in a relationship. I feel devastated and throw up when I think about my ex finding out.. he would never forgive me or his friend and hate me till the end of time..but I was/am do happy to have my ex back in my life and i love him and I want him so badly.. this must sound like the most hypocritical BS after what I’ve written before.. but it’s true, I never meant that to happen and despise my entire being and every cell of my body for creating the possibility of hurting somebody I hold dearly.. I’ve decided I am not going to tell him, but I guess it’s just a matter of time until he finds out.. I know the most of you will think I deserve to feel this guilty, but I beg you, what can I do to ease this pain and selfhatred?

    April 14, 2020 at 12:15 pm #349508
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Olga:

    “what can I do to ease this  pain and self hatred?”

    1. Commit to change your behavior regarding drinking alcohol: see to it that you never drink when out and about around people. Drink responsibly when sitting at the dinner table with your family, knowing you will not be going out that night, or when you are with your boyfriend, knowing that you will be together with him for the rest of the night.

    2. See to it that your behavior otherwise fits your values.

    3. Understand that outside changing your behavior, there is no use for “pain and self hatred”- that your pain and self hatred benefit  no one, and hurt people who care for you.

    anita

    April 15, 2020 at 1:53 am #349598
    anonymous03
    Participant

    Hi Olga,

    I’m sorry you are going through a rough time.

    You said your “ex” has broken up with you in the past multiple times and now is another country and then mentioned you are “happy he is back in your life”. So my question to you is: are y’all together and exclusive? If not, you have not “cheated” on him in any way technically. I maybe wrong, because I’m not sure of your dynamic, but I don’t think you should think that way and feel guilty.

    Even if y’all are not “together” together, this might hurt his feelings, I feel it is always a good idea to come clean to him. Hiding it is not going to help anyone, especially you. You’re right; he probably is going to find out some way or the other, so it’s always better if it is from you. He might be hurt and angry, but he will appreciate your honesty. Also, you will find that talking to him will take a huge load off your shoulders, as sometimes the guilt is amplified because of keeping it from him. You just made a mistake, but that doesn’t make you a terrible person. Nobody likes to blame the alcohol, but isn’t it a little true? Would you have done this had you not been influenced by booze? If he understands this, no, he is not going to hate you or his friend for life.

    About your habits regarding alcohol, you will need to actively work towards not letting it take control over you. Not just because you might hurt your guy or something like that, but for safety reasons too. Maybe drink in moderation and draw a line at the number of drinks you can have before your thinking is impaired? Get drunk only when you know you are not getting out of the house for the night? List out other things that you think will help you, and stick to those.

    I do not find your words to be hypocritical BS at all. To me, these are the words of a person ridden with pain and guilt. Guilt is a b***h, and you are letting her take so much control that it is affecting you physically as well. In your opinion, you made a mistake. That’s all it is: a mistake. Is making a mistake, which you realize you wouldn’t really make if it wasn’t for alcohol, something you are ready to work on, really that very bad? Before your guy does, maybe you need to forgive yourself? Be a little kinder to yourself?

    Think about it…

     

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