HLWS,

I can understand the difficulty of recognizing you’re in a much different place than your husband. Consider that when we first begin to develop self love, it is like a gentle flame that easily whisks out at a slight breeze. When we continue working on ourselves anyway, that flame comes back. The more consistently we meditate, self nurture, smile in the mirror and so on, the stronger that flame becomes.

My teacher said that the journey is a practice. It is like muscle building, where on the cushion we find peace, and as we get off the cushion… well that’s when the practice really begins. At first it is only for a few breaths, then a few minutes, then hours. Be patient with yourself, it takes time to grow the garden you’re tending.

The reason I lay that foundation first, is because the husband carries with him karma. Both in his actions in the present moment, such as outbursts and ignorance and so forth, but also in your mind. The previous moments you’ve had with him are like a gravity, like a routine. When he is there, so is the routine. At this early of a growth, when the tender shoots of compassion are just breaking the surface, it is difficult to say what is him and what is you. His “negativity” might be pulling you in, or it might be your unskillful habits of responding to his energy. Either way, diving into the “what if”s and “what should I do”s right now isn’t good. Consider trying to relate to “what is here”. What about the exchange is closing your heart? Are you afraid to pour your love toward him? Is he saying things that step on your courage? Is he disinterested?

Consider that as we open our hearts, the light it sheds naturally helps those we love begin to blossom as well. Said differently, once your compassion deepens, you can look into his eyes, and through them, and then potentially present to him a loving call which will lead him home to you. This won’t happen if you’re trying to manipulate him into growing so you are more happy… it happens when your happiness is so abundant it pours. It takes time, though, and with time will come more courage.

That being said, intimacy does not need to be an endurance trial. If your heart doesn’t wish to connect, that’s fine too… its your journey, and your path to joy is between you and your heart. Just be patient with your own growth, because often when we have the strength and courage to open up to our partners, they open back, and the fruits of that are worth the wait.

Consider also that we can share our experiences without telling others what to do. “I did this, and felt so great.” Rather than “I did this, and you should too so we can fix you.” Growth happens from the sharing of love and light, not trying to pull a flower open. That just leaves petals on the ground, and the potential shredded. Namaste, I hope you find a deepening of wisdom, light, and love.

With warmth,
Matt