Home→Forums→Relationships→Too clingy?
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Anonymous.
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June 7, 2018 at 8:54 am #211407
AnonymousGuestDear Lila:
It is admirable, in my mind, that you don’t want to burden him by telling him that you are troubled about the distance and reduced communication. It is loving of you to be concerned with his well being and his need to establish his career. And it should be this way, only with this added thing: your well being is important too.
A relationship, be it long distance or otherwise, needs to be a win-win relationship, win for him and win for you. If it is a Lose for any of the parties, it is a Losing relationship.
If there seems to be no reasonable hope of the two of you living close to each other for years to come, it may be a good idea to change the relationship with him to that of friends, or none at all.
What do you think?
anita
June 8, 2018 at 12:42 am #211495
LilaParticipantDear Anita
Thank you for your kind words. I definitely agree and realise I need to take my well being into consideration too.
I have also thought about that too and you are right. After I graduate, I’m planning on moving to his country to teach. But he prefers my country to live, so it’s whichever move happens first really. If there was no plan at all, I don’t think I could continue this since it requires a lot of effort. So much effort to not know what direction we’re going in.
I will focus on myself some more, I think that’s what I should do right now. Thanks again.
Lila
June 8, 2018 at 2:24 am #211595AnonymousGuestDear Lila:
You are welcome. So there is a plan, not very specific to time and place but a plan nonetheless, that the two of you will live near each other or together in your country and/or his country. Possibly in both and then decide where to settle.
Well, I hope you do focus on yourself more and post again anytime you’d like to.
anita
June 12, 2018 at 10:45 am #212231LilaParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for the lovely response. I’ve been thinking more about what you’ve said, and I think I really need to take action to focus on myself and love myself more. But I find myself falling back into old habits. For example, sometimes I send pictures of my face to my boyfriend if he says he misses me. I think I’m being perhaps too childish and looking for validation because I was disappointed with the response I got when I sent him a recent picture of my new hair and earrings. He simply asked me if I was going out somewhere without any kind of compliment. My expectations of what his reply would be led me to disappointment, sadness and not feeling like I’m good enough. These are temporary thoughts, of course, but I think if I don’t try to love myself- the relationship will become more difficult and I’ll become ridden with insecurity.
I just don’t know the steps how to love myself. I hope this makes sense.
Lila
June 12, 2018 at 12:22 pm #212249AnonymousGuestDear Lila:
You are welcome.
Regarding the disappointment you felt with his response following sending him a photo of you with a new haircut and earrings: you can learn from this experience- notice the next time you feel like sending him a photo of yourself and before you do, ask yourself: do I have an expectation of a particular response from him, after he gets the photo? If the answer is yes, I expect him to compliment me or the like, then don’t send him the photo. If there is no expectation, then send it.
And this is “how to love (yourself)” learn from current unpleasant experiences so to make your future experience more pleasant. Choose intentionally and aim to benefit yourself using daily opportunities to do so.
anita
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