Today, I lost my only close friend and my world feels destroyed

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This topic has 8 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 6 months ago by Alex.

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June 22, 2015 at 8:59 am #78627

Perry
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The problem: I fell in love with her.

We met online a little over two years ago, back when she was mourning the loss of her ex. We talked a lot, and became insanely close to each other. After about 6 months of knowing each other, we started a casual relationship which lasted about a year (we hooked up several times). I went along with the casual relationship as well. She never committed to me because she said she was never over her ex and that we were both too depressed and mentally ill to work together well in a relationship. She wanted someone more emotionally stable and secure, although I disagree with her that we wouldn’t have worked well. We were amazing when we used to hang out.

She started dating this guy a few months ago and I told her to go ahead and he became her bf a month ago. I thought I’d be fine with it, but I hadn’t realized at that time that I had fallen in love with her. I mean, I’m ridiculously in love with her. She’s all I think about all day and night. I hadn’t realized that she would become so distant once she got a bf.

I requested her to block my number and I feel utterly destroyed. I become weak in the knees and get really anxious when I think about her. I can’t sleep and can’t eat. Nothing tastes good. I just can’t take her being with another man or being just an option and not a priority. I wanted to make memories with her, but now she’s gone, possibly forever from my life and that REALLY REALLY hurts. I just don’t know what to do. We were so amazing together when we hung out, I don’t know why she couldn’t see it that way. I’m completely broken because she was such a huge part of my life and now she’s just……gone. I can’t stop crying. Someone please help me.

June 22, 2015 at 9:04 am #78629

Perry
Participant

The fact that hurts even more is that she doesn’t even feel close to her bf. She said that “she couldn’t care less if her bf kisses another girl. She feels single”. I feel like she got pressured into this relationship.

I NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT HER THOUGH! IT ONLY MAKES ME FEEL WORSE!

June 22, 2015 at 9:24 am #78630

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Perry:
You can read “How to stop being a slave to your emotions” here, on tiny buddha. It reads there: “Always remember that emotion is derived from thought. If we find ourselves experiencing strong emotions, it’s helpful to examine the thoughts that preceded them. Then ask the question, are these thoughts based on truth, or my perception of the truth? ”

You didn’t realize you were in love with her until she was into a relationship with a bf. What changed for you then? What thoughts entered your mind that weren’t there before?
anita

June 22, 2015 at 9:46 am #78631

Perry
Participant

Thank you for the reply Anita.

The thing is, she had gone on exchange to europe for the past 6 months. It was during this time that I realized that I had fallen for her. I was hoping to confess my feelings once she came back because I thought it would be better to do so in person. Little did I know, her would be bf visited her a month before was to come back and proposed to her right there. Had I known about this, I would have confessed to her.

June 22, 2015 at 9:56 am #78632

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Perry:
So her absence made brought upon the falling in love thoughts and feelings, complicated by another man appearing in her life. But she did say before that to you that she felt the two of you are not compatible. So even without the new man, she probably wouldn’t be available to you and she is not even available to her present bf.

So honor your feelings and honor reality. Can you write to me how you can honor both?
anita

June 22, 2015 at 10:10 am #78633
Perry
Participant
Well I’m not sure. When I confessed my feelings to her eventually, she said she didn’t know i felt so strongly and that it’s too late to anything about it now. So maybe we could have been together had I confessed before.

Of course I’m honouring her decisions, which is why I’m requesting her to block my number, so I can go away from her life.

edit: why do you say she’s not even available to her current bf.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Perry.
June 22, 2015 at 11:30 am #78638

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Perry:
i wrote that she’s not even available to her current bf because you wrote: “she doesn’t even feel close to her bf. She said that ‘she couldn’t care less if her bf kisses another girl. She feels single’.

You also wrote: “she said…that we were both too depressed and mentally ill to work together well in a relationship.”

It amazes me to see it in someone else because there are things about my thinking that are so clear to somebody else, yet I am blind to those things. You wrote in this very post in so many words that:
1. She thinks of herself as mentally ill.
2. SHe thinks of you as mentally ill.
3. She doesn’t think the two of you, being mentally ill, could make a relationship work.
4. Her relationship with her bf is not close and is not working out (as a close relationship)

And yet, you think a relationship with her could have worked if only you confessed about your feelings earlier. Look at what you wrote: how could a relationship with her work?

It is my emotions, when I am too close to them, that blinded me to reality. Do you see it being your case here?
anita

June 22, 2015 at 12:41 pm #78662
Rock Banana
Participant
Read “Love and Aloneness” by Osho. Check out Osho’s stuff. One of his quotes:

“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.”

Neediness and an intense desire to be loved by somebody is not the same thing as love. I can talk from experience there. What I will tell you is that this will all subside if you just let it be, notice the thoughts and feelings and see them for what they are. Reading and experiencing psychological perspectives such as Osho’s has helped me around this. I can tell you that I experienced what you are experiencing over somebody for 3 years. Right now, that is a distant memory and I now realize I never actually loved them. I thought it was love, but it was too needy, too desperate and too fear-imbued to actually be love. Love, that is, being free, enjoyable and generous without demanding reciprocation.

You think you need somebody to fulfill a need in your life. Until you can love yourself and love being alone, and know that somebody else’s love can’t make you happy, similar patterns are going to become a common trend for you. Bathe in philosophy and psychology that offers a more empowering perspective. Check out Osho, Eckhart Tolle, Noah Elkrief…

One last thought: All this wanting and yearning is degrading. It makes you feel like you’re small, right? You might think it’s cool, but how do you feel when you do it? Pretty bad? Becoming psychologically independent is something that can take time and energy, but the payoff is that you no longer think you need somebody else to fulfill you. Neediness is creepy, and as you’re finding out, doesn’t come with the most powerful feelings! All of this is 100% changeable and if you keep applying yourself to changing this, it will definitely happen, however long it takes.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Rock Banana.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Rock Banana.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Rock Banana.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Rock Banana.
June 24, 2015 at 11:30 am #78793

Alex
Participant

Perry,
I want to help, but I am not sure how. I relate to your pain, and though I am not sure that it will help, I want to share a story with you.

It is a story similar to yours; Awhile back my whole world was in turmoil, and I lost my way; I lost my friend; I lost myself. I struggled, the keyword being struggle, to put myself back together, learn something from the whole mess, and to simply live again. Mostly though, I just felt lost, confused and very, very much hurt.

I kept questioning the decisions that I made and what if I had handle things a different way? Moments, where I was riled up and felt cowardly for avoiding the issues and other moments where I impatiently rushed issues because I couldn’t withstand the emotional turmoil. I wanted to be at peace, and I wanted to be with her but it seemed that the two were mutually exclusive.

I don’t know if your situation is similar to mine, but here are some harsh truths that I learned during the whole process that may help you find what you are looking for :

– It took time for me and the whole process hurt like hell. It was a gnawing pain that made me question my own integrity and self-worth, but eventually, it dulled with time. I ended up taking a road trip for a few weekends in a row, and I think being in the car for hours on end and just going to destinations unknown helped a lot – it allowed me to confront the issues and got me away from my comfort zone.

– I realized that for a short-while, I was fortunate to be with was with an amazing woman, but we both messed up. I think she had deep seated trust issues. She was bad at setting up boundaries, and I think without realizing it, I let myself be used as an emotional punching bag. She never asked me to – I just stepped right on up for it because I cared about her.

When it came to her, I was too patient with the wrong things and never patient enough where it counted. I said that she was bad at setting up boundaries, but I was equally as bad at setting up my own. Somewhere along the way, my sense of self-respect and integrity just blurred away. I was with her, but I never showed her my own self-worth so to her I was simply another guy.

It was relationship of convenience and extraordinarily dysfunctional. If it was handled differently, I think there were real possibilities there, but it wasn’t and honestly, I am more to blame for it than she was because I think at least she was honest with herself, and I wasn’t with myself.

Anyways, I am sorry for the long spiel. To make it short, I think you should forgive but not forget. You should learn from the situation but forgive her and yourself.

For a short-while, it is okay to not be okay. It is going to hurt for quite some time, but it helps to take time for yourself – go on a road trip and get your mental and emotional state back in order.
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