Zenhen,

Whew! I almost feel the need to make a flowchart for this one. So many competing and interacting desires and feelings, its no wonder there is so much conflict! A bunch of things came to heart as I read your words, and I’ll try to capture as many as I can into words. Pardon the brevity, I trust that our connection will support it, as there is no judgment in me for you. Namaste, sis.

1) You are not his caretaker, and if you stay with him for that reason you’re actually inhibiting his growth, which is not caring. Perhaps you’re trying to avoid the guilt of leaving someone who isn’t practiced at self care. The guilt is unneeded, because he has to learn to stand, you can’t prop him up.

2) His lack of response has nothing to do with you. You are courageous, open hearted, curious, and beautiful. If he snoozes past that, its his issue. Not yours. Your beauty is easy to connect to, and whatever difficulties he has is not something you can fix.

3) Sometimes we outgrow our partners, and have to move on. Otherwise there is tension between who they are, who we are, and where the intimacy can go. This often arises as judging their actions, because we want to stay with them, but we want something different, more nourishing than we have. Lasting intimacy occurs when the growth is together, and each half of the pair compliments each other.

4) You seem like you have a strong sex drive, which is totally fine. Many guys would kill, scramble, woo, or beg for such a quality in a partner. Its nothing to be ashamed about, scared of, or sacrificed. Sexual fulfillment is one of the needs in a relationship, and has nothing to do with past abuse. The fears and shame and so forth, yes, but the drive itself is well researched and documented as a fundamental driving force in all beings. As you become brighter and more peaceful (heal the ick) the drive will remain. Good for you! It means you’re alive.

5) Don’t be afraid of making the same mistakes, you won’t. You’ll make new ones. Ha ha!

6) Its well observed that the need for connection starts within. As you self nurture, continue meditating (right?), and growing, much of the chaos will dissipate. Patience… its one thing to begin to see ourselves clearly, and its quite another to learn to temper our desires so we’re not just throwing ourselves onto anyone who shows affection. The gift that is Zenhen is sacred, special, and beautiful, and so it honors yourself to be particular when it comes to opening your heart, mind and body to another. Said differently, be picky, you’re worth it!

7) The feeling of isolation is part of the shame, rather than being caused by your partner. The isolation goes away when we spend time reconnecting to our body, getting back into our senses, feeling the breath in our body. Consider that you are surrounded by a rich garden of sights and sounds and smells and flavors and feelings… how in the heck could we be isolated from the energy of nature? Its here now! And now! Keep breathing and noticing the breath, and the isolation melts, because here you are!

I think that’s all of them that came up. 🙂 Staying or going is a question that perhaps you could bring up to your boyfriend. You’re really stepping up to the plate and taking back your joy. Huzzah! If he wants to step up to the plate too, give him the chance to. If he doesn’t, move on. You want a deeper connection, and plenty of men are out there who want that too. For the record, when my wife and I first started dating, she was closed much like your boyfriend. She opened, and its been more beautiful than I could have hoped. The girlfriend I had before her did not, and moving on was difficult, but boy am I glad I did.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Zenhen,

All I can say is that in my experience as a parent, you need to have a really strong and happy relationship before having children because it puts an enormous strain on any couple. If you don’t have this, having children is just going to make it worse.

I also think it’s important to have a partner who is motivated, not to have some high flying career, but just generally because parenting is exhausting and you need to have a lot of get up and go to deal with it.

If you don’t think your partner has these qualities I think you need to have a really long hard think about whether or not your relationship can continue.

I wish you all the best.

Hello Zenhen,

I can definitely relate to your post! I know it is easier said than done but…

I agree with what has been said above about presenting to him how you feel. If he can’t open up to you about how important this relationship is to him and show his commitment to and desire for you when your relationship is on the line, then I think you will have your answer. Relationships are about being equally, give and take. If you feel like you are supporting him and propping him up, and he isn’t doing anything back for you, he is taking advantage. You are not his mother and nor should you let him treat you as one.

At the end of the day, sometimes you have to shut one door for the next one to open, to see opportunities and indeed people with fresh eyes and a clear mind.

My advice in this situation is to write a list of all the things you want to do in life. Don’t even think about him or his needs when writing it. Go through it and really think; which ones would he help me to achieve? How many would he support me in doing? How many would he or the relationship STOP me from doing? He should support your dreams even if they are different to his own. Do you want to live for somebody elses dreams and goals, or you own?

Good luck Zenhen,

Susanna x

* Dear nicolea: I hope you get a response on this 2013 thread. If you would like to start your own thread with a description of your situation, please do so: click FORUMS above, choose a CATEGORY, click the chosen category, go down the page and post there.
anita

Wow, I wish I could be in a group chat with all of you. Thank you for this post and helping me feel a little less lonely, my emotional connection has also dissipated with my partner.  We live an hour apart and after our weekend time together is over talking to him on the phone has become unbearable and I hardly desire to see him by the end of the week. It’s a little better when we are physically with each other but the lack of emotional connection makes keeping the spark when apart..well, aweful. 🙁

nik