Hello all,

I will try to be short, but any advice would be much appreciated, as always:) My ex-boyfriend (of about 2 1/2 years) and I broke up last year. While I wouldn’t exactly say it ended with a falling out, it was still a very painful and drawn-out end and there were many messy details. He handled things very poorly, did not treat me with respect, and hurt me very deeply. It was very difficult for me to deal with it for a long time, but I actively took steps to heal and move forward, and am in a great place in my life right now. I reached a point quite awhile ago where I am no longer consumed by thoughts of him, and that although he pops up in my head every now and then (do we ever 100% forget the people we loved? This was my first one, so I can’t say), I do consider myself “over it.”

One of the major steps I took to heal, as difficult as it was for both of us, was to eventually cut off ALL contact. It has now been a little over a year since I did this. While hard, this was absolutely necessary for my healing process and I am very glad I did it. He messaged for me for my birthday several months later, to which I politely replied but did not sustain a conversation. Then a couple months ago, he sent me an email telling me he thought about me often, wanted to say hi, missed me, and hoped that we could soon talk again as friends one day. I was shocked, but while I feel that his message helped give me some closure, that things had finally come full-circle, I told him it was nice to hear from him but that I’d still rather not talk to him for the moment.

Fast forward to earlier this week, I was invited to an old friend’s party at the end of October, who lives close to where I went to school. As this is one of my ex’s best friends, I assume he’ll make arrangements to go, although he lives very far away. I’ve already decided not to go, but the mere possibility of seeing him again, as well as the possibility of seeing him with his new girlfriend (who I’m only assuming he’s still with, I don’t actually know, and who was also a huge issue in our relationship), made my stomach drop and for some reason has left me feeling continuously anxious, and I can’t seem to completely shake it.

My ex’s birthday is also coming up in a month, which is also causing me much anxiety because I don’t know if I should message him or not, and I feel like this would be my best excuse to do it if I want to. I feel like a part of me wants to bury the hatchet, and that it could possibly help me let go of remaining anger. Yet at the same time, I’m not trying to start up any kind of close relationship with him. I don’t want to talk to him regularly or know all the details of his life, so would it be worth it? But I also don’t want to be afraid anymore, I don’t want to turn him into a demon in my mind that I can never face. Also, while a part of me does want to be nice, if I’m honest, a part of me also wants to not say anything just out of spite, just to let him feel some disappointment. And then maybe reach out at a later date if I want to. I have many conflicting feelings and can’t decide what to do. I’d appreciate any help, thank you!