Anita,

With some time and distance, I have some clarity. She is angry, very angry, but it is not just me that she is angry at. She is angry at work, she is angry at her family, she is angry at her friends, she is angry at school. She also does not want to hurt me. She expressed the desire for separation originally so that her feelings would change (I’m guessing her anger). She brought up divorce in that indirect way because as she said to me, what she was doing to me was not fair and she is hurting me. The friends that she keeps now are friends that spend their time not communicating – just drinking and engaging in other behavior that is distracting to the mind (and also destructive). Even those friends, she keeps at arms length and often has negative explosive outbursts towards them. She sometimes has explosive outbursts directed towards our daughter – not violent – but yelling.

She has a history of depression in the family and was even suicidal once herself. She was having a lot of sleep issues before she moved out and was ‘borrowing’ a friend’s antidepressant. She had also just come off of a diet pill known to cause depression on withdrawal. I believe that she is depressed and the anger is part of it. She is too proud to seek professional help. In the last marriage counseling session that we had before she said she wasn’t going back, she told our therapist that she was depressed, then shut down all communication. Shortly after, she told me that she told her personal therapist that she was depressed. After that, she quit going to both. I think she is choosing to be in denial about her depression and wants to get through it on her own or doesn’t recognize it as depression. The hurt that she delivers is likely outside of her control right now.

So, knowing this, here is what I intend to do (please let me know your thoughts):

1. Not take any direct action towards a divorce. Nothing different than I previously stated. If she pushes it, I will not fight.

2. Take care of myself and my daughter. Speak with an attorney to understand my options and how to protect myself and my daughter if she does file or push for divorce. Make sure my needs and wants are being met; stay healthy, do things I enjoy, try to make more friends, become energized by the things that energize me. Engage a mediator to work with both of us for a reasonable financial arrangement where I can continue to support her some but do not feel like I am being cheated.

3. Offer her love and compassion as I can and as she will accept with the understanding that she is suffering and likely cannot return it right now. If I start to get angry at the lack of response, back down and protect myself until I am ready.

4. If she ever becomes receptive to it, encourage her to seek professional help.

I see the above as a loving response. I cannot control what actions she takes and she may not be receptive to it, but that is OK. I have never regretted doing anything out of love. Sometimes I don’t like the outcome, but never regret the choice to be loving.