I feel emotionally tired. it feels like this year has been one big slap in my face. my entire life and peace have been turned upside down. Everything that I once believed has been debunked. I feel like I have been floating without a purpose for the past 37 years of my life. I feel battered emotionally.

I have felt despair, anger, fear, sadness, loss and hopelessness. It’s been six months and I feel tired. I put on a brave face and walked with my head held high. I had to keep going even though all I wanted to do was lay on my bed and cry most days. I was rejected by someone I loved and betrayed. My love was rejected, my pain was dismissed.

The man I cherished, the man who was my friend broke my heart to pieces and left me alone to pick my pieces as he walked off into the sunset. what was worse is because we worked for the same company I saw him every day and it felt torturous. still, I kept my composure and walked to work and stayed at work without shedding tears.

When I got home I had to be a mother to my son. I had to maintain a calm demeanour so that I didn’t scare my child. all the while my insides felt like lava. when everyone slept peacefully I stayed awake and cried buckets and buckets of tears. I felt pathetic and insignificant. I felt useless and pitiful.

so I lived like that each day. but I didn’t try to hide what I felt. I decided I would let myself feel everything so that I can heal from him completely.

It’s been over 6 months now. I have let him go. I don’t cringe anymore when I see him. my heart doesn’t break anymore when I see him. I still don’t want to be friends or cordial. I would rather just forget he ever existed. and so I am soldering on. but I must admit that I am exhausted. I need to rest both my mind and heart.

they have both been chewed up and spat out. I am begging to find myself again. one day at a time. I thought I would die from grief the day of the break-up. but am much stronger and I have survived it.

Elizabeth