Don’t be so hard on yourself hun, that’s not fair to you. It will be ok.🙏 Everything will work out the way it should, for now try to be in peace and don’t worry or stress so much. Have you tried maybe drinking a protein shake? Something in liquid form.
Sending you a lot of positivity & light.💫

Dear Michelle:

I read your recent threads and I am sorry about the pain you are going through. I wish life was better for you.

You shared that you are 38, living in a small apartment in New York City, unemployed, still burdened by that four year lawsuit, with no end in sight to it, and your long distance boyfriend changed his plans to leave Hong Kong and join you in NYC, or in Canada.

In 2019, he hated his job and life in Hong Kong, so he travelled to New York to study for an MBA so to change his career. It was a summer program, and that’s when you met him: the pre-pandemic summer of 2019. You had the best two months with him. After the program he returned to Hong Kong. A month later, he was back for a couple of weeks to see you, and to network, hoping to find a job. You saw him a third and  last time in December 2019.

Covid-19 happened in that same month. He was back in Hong Kong, and you were in NYC. The two of you kept regular, wonderful contact all through the pandemic. But he was living off his  savings, couldn’t find a job, the borders were closed, policies changed, and the plans to study in NY or move to Canada became impractical, or too difficult for him.

“He broke up with me because he feels every route is exhausted because of the virus”, you wrote.

Today, you were feeling angry, upset that he didn’t do more to be with you, that not only did he give up  on you, but he also gave up on his ambitions to get out of Hong Kong and make a career change. “Now he will stay there and do the same things that he was doing before while the future of Hong Kong is questionable and he is not Chinese”, you wrote.

You feel “disappointed, angry, and abandoned”, and very pessimistic: “I feel like nothing ever goes right for me in my life, and when it finally does, it is taken away like some big joke. My life is just one dark tragedy after another and it’s not fair”.

No, it’s not fair. It would have been wonderful if he was back in NYC, or if the two of you moved to Canada and proceeded to have a healthy, loving relationship.

You asked for tips on how to get through this:

1. “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us”, E. M. Forster- what this quote means to me is that the best we can do, when our plans and hopes do not come to fruition, is live the life that is available to us; make the best of what we have, instead of sinking in regret about what we don’t have.

Dreams and hopes make us happy for as long as it is possible to make them come true, but when they are no longer possible, or when they are highly unlikely to happen, these unactualized dreams and hopes bring us misery.

2. Post here anytime you want to, express yourself, vent, and if you want more of my input, let me know, and I will offer you more.

anita

Dear Michelle:

You are welcome. Like you wrote a little while ago, on another thread, it is understandable that because of the extreme circumstances involved in the pandemic, and immigration policy changes in the US and Canada and the politics in Hong Kong.. his plans changed. His plans were downgraded from thriving (further education, a career change, a love relationship with you) to.. just surviving.

Focus on surviving yourself  and on suffering less. Imagine the possibility of you being sad but not in emotional pain. There is a term or technique used in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, called Radical Acceptance, which means accepting what we cannot change (not resisting it) letting it be, saying yes to life, as it is, as it comes. If you are able to do that, you will experience peace of mind.

anita

Michelle, I also admire your pragmatic attitude and wisdom. This is a super hard situation and heart breaking to read your post. Makes me sad because I keep up with the news out of Hong Kong. The political situation is difficult there. Plus the pandemic situation and I don’t know when that will even end. There are many countries who have pledged to be open to HK citizens who immigrate to that country. Mostly British countries & Taiwan, although the US has led the speaking out against the repression and now the oppression of those that want democracy.  I have read interviews from democracy leaders who have gotten out of HK, and they worry about their families back home being targeted. While your love may not be in that category, it sounds like something that many HK people think about. I can see that he worries and hopes – and is caught in a very difficult situation. It is very disappointing for you and him. If the old pattern of communication with him feels too hard now or almost pointless, or you simply want to make a change, it is fine to change. You may need something different and that is okay. I do think there is wisdom in going on and seeking out new social opportunities, as in dating others. You have to decide if the old way of connectional communication feels good or not so good to yourself. I do think that if your goal is to date others, then always being so connected via text as you write, may keep your mind on this one man and not be open to future opportunities. If you are to think this relationship is over, as you say, having more distance in communication may be better for you as it allows your mind to seek others. His friendship has meant a lot to you. It is hard to go from this deep connection to the relationship being over, very sad and difficult. As time goes by, the new normal becomes the old normal and easier and easier because it’s a pattern. When I was dating my now husband and we lived in different cities, we were lucky to see each other once a month as compared to eight months. The first week after our visits were awful, sad, lonely. The next week was easier, I was back to my regular life. The next week was okay but the last week before the weekend visit was loneliness personified and stressful in getting ready for me to travel or him to visit. It was hard but I took it one week at a time. One day at a time. So what I am saying is allow the new normal that works for you to start and become regular. Only you know what is best for you and what feels right to you.