Dear Andrew:

You wrote: “she’s not been happy for sometime (not necessarily with the relationship, but with life in general)”- reads to me that both are correct: that she has been unhappy with life in general and with the relationship with you. If she was happy or content with the relationship with you, she would be interacting with you when home instead of sitting on the sofa until she went to bed, busy with social media. And she wouldn’t have left you, temporarily or permanently.

You asked, in the title of your thread, if it is “Time to move on..?” I think it depends on you and her talking about her lack of content with the relationship itself, as it has been beyond the practical things like the laundry.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Andrew:

You did write in your original post that while still living with her, there were, on your part, “numerous attempts to address her obvious unhappiness, and communicate with her, she locked everything away..” I missed that earlier.

You also wrote that during that time of lack of communication, you “were very affectionate on a daily basis”- is this a typo (not congruent, to me with her sitting on the sofa, otherwise engaged)?

You also wrote: “she had started receiving attention from someone that she worked with”- that leads me to understand why you think you are a backup plan.

You used the word shrine (a definition: a place regarded as holy because of its associations with a divinity or a sacred person) in “I get to sleep in what is essentially a shrine to her every night”-

do you consider her or the relationship holy or sacred?

anita

Dear Andrew:

The physical affection, on her part puzzles me in the context of her never initiating sex with you and it having happened rarely and in the context of her not responding to your numerous efforts to communicate. As well as in the context of her leaving you.

As to the ‘sacred” and “holy” words, these are connotations of the word “shrine” that you used (I quotes)- and so I was asking you about that word. It could be that you didn’t mean these connotations when you used “shrine”. It could be that her stuff simply reminds you of her and your emotional attachment to her is so very strong…?

anita

Dear Andrew:

So the physical affection puzzled you too. I suppose it validates my feeling that it is incongruent with other parts of the relationship and the very fact that it is on hold, temporarily or permanently.

Without communication and without honest communication, one is left to making guesses as to the why. Sometimes it can be a good guess, a very good guess, but without validation…. It could have been easy to understand if there was honest communication, asking and answering back and forth.

As to guessing regarding the nature of her physical affection, her motivation, what led her to initiate or respond to the affection, what are your guesses?

anita

Andrew,

In all honesty from what you’ve said above, I think you have made a lot of effort to attempt to repair things and done the right thing.

From an outsiders perspective I think you are getting a bit of a bad deal here.

Perhaps the best thing to do is give her some space. her responses to your efforts to fix the situation don’t seem to be fair on you.

Hi Andrew,

I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. It saddens me, that she prefers to be depressed and unhappy, rather than going into counseling and getting screened for depression or a mental health diagnosis, and perhaps be started on antidepressants.

Right now she is very depressed. When depression gets a hold of you, nothing makes it right without treatment. It can’t be “snapped out of” or “willed away”. Until she gets on treatment and medication, she will continue to be depressed with you, her mother, her self, that guy, and the whole world.

Best thing to do, is to give her the space she needs. Let her come and get her stuff, so you don’t have to look at it. Or put it somewhere where you don’t have to see it, like a storage unit. She needs to get screened and professional treatment, or she will continue to be happy..even if you did reconcile, without treatment, things would go back to the way things were. Keep us posted.