Dear nessmbl:

I understand your feelings. I have a neighbor who flew hours away to help take care of the aunt of her husband, an over 90 year old woman who has enough money to hire help and was doing well without my neighbor.

While my neighbor was away, her own adult daughter was in the hospital about to have a dangerous back operation. My neighbor not only did not return from her trip, but (prepare for the following):

When my neighbor left to another state to take care of the aunt (who needed no physical caring) she knew that her daughter was scheduled to have the operation. She made the arrangement for her trip knowing she will not be present for the operation.

The daughter survived that operation but died a few months or a year after.

My point to you: this mother you are referring to in your post, her son may be better off if she indeed stayed away. If he is hoping that she WILL become a loving mother someday, that hope is not good for his health. It is better that he (and you) accept who his mother is, so the hope dies.

* By accepting who she is, I don’t mean approving of it, suggesting mothers should be like she is. Not at all. What I mean is to come to peace with who she is, come to peace with reality. Because this kind of reality, you can’t change, no matter how strongly you feel it is wrong and unfair.

anita