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Thoughts on anxiety — would love insight

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  • May 8, 2015 at 11:39 am #76445
    Mallory
    Participant

    Hi everyone.

    Over the past year, I’ve developed some anxiety. Here’s some background:

    1) A past unhealthy relationship:
    I feel it started when I got involved with a guy fresh out of a long relationship last year. For six months, he would pull me in and push me away, and I was never sure where I stood with him. He would claim to be an important person in my life and there were times when I would seek his insight and guidance and he would fail to be there for me (e.g. I wanted his opinion on career things, he went to sleep instead of taking my call). I would get anxious. Other times, he would share diatribes via text about things I did he didn’t like, and then turn off his phone. I would get anxious to the point I physically shook.

    I don’t have any emotional attachments or thoughts about this time. I’ve since started a new relationship with an amazing man and it’s going really well. However, I wonder if some of these patterns of anxiety are taking hold in my present.

    2) A psychologically traumatic incident:
    In addition to that, I was mugged at gunpoint outside my home last November. I have had a lot of anxiety since then as well. So sometimes I will be anxious about being outside late at time, seeing “suspicious” (whatever that means) people near me.

    Here are some notes I took on things I realize make me anxious:
    1) Uncertainty
    2) Not knowing if I’ve offended someone or feeling like I did
    3) Not immediately understanding why someone’s upset
    4) Not understanding what someone’s trying to say and feeling like I should already know (and fearing asking because I fear looking stupid or don’t want to face the “awkwardness” of admitting to not knowing)
    5) Feeling guilty

    I would love feedback and insight on how better to control anxiety. Lately, I feel it as an automatic physiological/psychological response that’s difficult for me to control. And I worry about alienating people I love while trying to deal with it.

    Thank you all!

    • This topic was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Mallory. Reason: Added a couple comments
    • This topic was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Mallory. Reason: More comments :)
    May 8, 2015 at 3:32 pm #76464
    Matt
    Participant

    Maloret,

    Its very normal and usual to experience anxiety after going through difficult and toxic experiences. To me, it seems like you’re experiencing anxiety about anxiety, as though the fearful thoughts and feelings don’t belong, so you worry you’ll worry forever. This keeps you away from healing the initial trauma. Attention on the pain, rather than the bruise.

    Consider, for instance, the toxic relationship with your ex-boyfriend. Something is/was clearly disturbed on his side, lots of undealt with hibbertyjab that he has yet to work through, and instead of dealing well, he took it out on you. People do that, its common. The maloret that went through the “toxic dumping” was perhaps confused, didn’t know what to do, and so just spun with it for awhile. Like, he’d turn off his phone, and you’d be left dumbfounded with “why”s and “what?”s and “what do I do next”s and so forth. Like an engine with nowhere to go, inner tension “something is not right”, and then stewing, spinning.

    Consider a twofold healing process. One, notice and accept both sides, and then forgive both sides. Like, “I don’t know why you dumped all that crap on me, but may you be free of whatever was going on for you.” And “I don’t know why I did what I did with it, but may I be free of whatever was going on.”

    The second step is preparedness, such as reading about toxic relationships, healthy relationships, boundaries, healthy communication, and so on. Residual anxiety is often the fear that the experience will happen again, that the first experience made us “just so”. Like, you remained in an abusive relationship, therefore are prone to abusive relationships. This simply isn’t true, and more information can help reveal that. For instance, if you read a few relationship books, the girl that went through those experiences with confusion goes away. You learn some things, and as you do, grow out of the girl that was. Such as, even if you met another mugger after taking a personal defense class, it wouldn’t be the same type of experience at all on your side. Much less confusion, much less disorientation, much less panic.

    As far as the other tendrils of anxiety that are showing up, my guess is much of that will go away once you take back control, rekindle your self-confidence. Like, if the situation happened again, what would you do differently? When you have an answer that isn’t “roll over”, there won’t be space for anxiety to grab hold.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    May 17, 2015 at 10:41 am #76889
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear maloret:
    My insight and suggestions regarding anxiety, all stemming from my personal experience with anxiety, experience that is long and hard:
    1) Pay attention to how you are breathing right now: pay attention if you are holding your breath. Breathe slowly and fully, expanding your belly, again and again. This will calm you.
    2) Pay attention to your muscles: are any of them tight? relax all your muscles. this will calm you.
    3) When you exercise, so each move mindfully, place your attention IN the muscles you are tightening and those you are relaxing- same with stretching, FEEL your body. Placing our attention inside our body does wonders (it is being hijacked by that overly thinking brain, detached from the body that feeds anxiety).
    4) Cam, read or continue to read about thought substitution, correcting distorted thoughts or potentially distorted thoughts that cause your anxiety. examples of such thoughts are: “I am responsible for another feeling badly or maybe feeling badly: it must have been something i said or did not say, something i did or did not do, an expression on my face, etc (Taking on responsiblity you don’t actually have, and “personalizing”- making things that are not about you- be about you).

    I hope you are reading this even though it’s been a while since you posted this. I just got to read it for the first time. If you like anything I wrote, let me know and I can write you more.
    Take Care:
    anita

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