Home→Forums→Tough Times→This is the end of the road for me.
- This topic has 27 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 1 month ago by Brandy.
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September 22, 2018 at 11:25 pm #226741PetalParticipant
I think you are very intelligent but suffering a great deal. Your writing skills are great and very to the point . I’m always amazed at how people write so well .
I did wonder could you help out with your father for awhile with the home rentals and get a bit of experience under your belt . Perhsps it’s a job you may find helps him and you .
September 25, 2018 at 3:31 am #227353PainParticipantThanks again everyone. I wanted to reply to everyone individually but I don’t have the energy for it. Don’t feel like writing much though.
I don’t know how I appear intelligent to you guys. In real life almost everyone including my parents have called me dumb many times. Even I don’t think my brain is capable of anything productive. Maybe you guys are trying to cheer me up by calling me intelligent but let’s face it, I am dumb as rocks.
Today I enrolled for a new set of courses in my uni. My time is university is close to ending as I only have four semesters left. My cgpa is not looking too good but if I push it and resit some exams, I might graduate with a 3.3. But what’s the point? I have no idea how I will get a job with my level of incompetency in the work environment. I am willing to work. I am willing to contribute. I just don’t know how I can solve my problems.
I keep looking for social skills books online and always end up disappointed as they more or less repeat what I already know. Most of them talk about how most relationships are about giving and taking, importance of eye contact, body language, posture, empathy and stuff like that. I know the stuff but making it happen in real life is impossible for me. I just don’t know where it goes wrong. I don’t know anything. Today, I went to a restaurant with a classmate and he said that I look weird and lifeless. I felt like laughing out loud for him stating the obvious. He only went with me because I paid the bills for him.
Life is teaching me how naive and soft I am. The more I look around, the more I feel how messed up this crazy world is. In life, you have to be brutal and uncaring just like the forces of nature to get what you want. Being a nice guy just makes you a loser. I know this, but it’s so hard to change.
and @petal, I want to work with my dad but he is a royal cunt. He is one of the most inconsiderate people I have met in my whole life. He doesn’t care that I am autistic. He has no patience and he won’t make the effort to teach me anything. He always hurts my feeling by calling me dumb. I have no hope of becoming skilled enough to handle the job of being a landlord.
I feel like stopping here. Maybe I will write again.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Pain.
September 25, 2018 at 4:04 am #227367AnonymousGuestDear Pain:
Well, rocks can’t put two words together and you write well, you really do, so there (“I am dumb as rocks”).
You wrote: “I don’t know anything”. That would have been good compared to the situation you are in, which is, you believe you know things that are not true, for example, that you are “dumb as rocks”. If you didn’t know, you would have been open to consider that maybe you are pretty smart!
“In life, you have to be brutal and uncaring just like the forces of nature to get what you want”- a hurricane will cause a lot of damage in a short time, yes. But water flowing gently over rocks, over time, with persistence, water shapes rocks. You can be powerful too, being gentle with yourself and persistent.
It is so very wrong that your father calls you dumb, so very wrong. No wonder you believe that about yourself, if he called you that from an early age… a child automatically believes what his father says.
anita
September 25, 2018 at 6:22 am #227387DaveParticipantDear pain, I’ve read your post and I want to say that to express all you did, all you’ve been through and all you’re going through takes a shit tonne of courage! Seriously, most people never admit to anything like that. So many people wear masks pretending their lives are great cause they have money, cars etc, but underneath that mask they are miserable. Most people run from their pain. It takes a lot of strength to be able to face your pain like you’re doing. The very fact that you’ve reached out on this forum means there’s something inside you, even small that wants to live, that wants to get better. This site has heaps of stories from people who got all those material things you mentioned, only to discover none of it made them happy. There’s several people that have replied to your post, including me, because we relate to that deep pain, of feeling unwanted and unloved, being treated like shit and feeling left behind in life. We all come from different backgrounds and different countries, and although we may not know what it’s like growing up in a third world country, we do know about self hate and feeling like we don’t matter. The fact we’re reaching out to you shows that you do matter! That there’s people willing to share their stories and open their hearts to help you. The biggest thing for me was to start being kind to myself, be a friend to myself, show myself the love others weren’t showing me, stop believing who others told me I was due to their abusive behavior. They don’t know because they’re not me! Just like your abusers are not you! so they don’t know you. You’ve reached out for some guidance and help and people are responding to your call. People do care. We don’t know you, what you look like or anything and it doesn’t matter. You’re a fellow human being like us that deserves love and to be treated right. Hopefully you’re still with us and will read some more of these posts and know that you’re not alone in feeling that way, and people do care about you. Why not tell us your name or even a nick name, so we can stop calling you pain 🙂
September 27, 2018 at 6:45 am #227761PainParticipant@dave I don’t feel like saying my real name here because it’s a religious name. And I fucking hate religions.
I have a very unique point of view regarding the existence of a creator.. so I am agnostic. I haven’t decided any other name for me so I like to call myself pain.
A lot of bad stuff happened today and I don’t know if I will ever become strong enough to face the challenges life is throwing at me. All seems bleak for me. I can’t even recognize who I am anymore. My mind is just a mad horse, running off to places where it shouldn’t.
I hate talking about so many negative stuff but my life IS negative. I am always depressed. No wonder people avoid me and hate me. I always look like I have a broom stuck up my ass.
I think I will just stop writing because this post is just a pity party for me. I feel bad for wasting you people’s time.
September 27, 2018 at 7:49 am #227767AnonymousGuestDear Pain:
Reading your posts has not been a waste of my time. If your mind is “just a mad horse, running off to places where it shouldn’t”, let this horse wader here from time to time, let him rest here.
anita
September 27, 2018 at 9:04 am #227781DaveParticipantI totally understand you not wanting to share your name. It’s great to see you still reaching out, and in no way are you wasting anyone’s time. You don’t seem to me to be throwing a pity party, you’re someone who’s obviously hurting and is reaching out; that takes courage. Like Anita said, let your horse rest here. I sincerely hope you can start to see that you do have value and you definitely do matter, cause you do. None of us can magically take your pain away, but we can listen and be there for you. That in itself can really help. Take care my friend and remember you are not alone.
September 27, 2018 at 12:49 pm #227815PainParticipantI want to ask how you people deal with the abuse from the past? I am not sure any of you have been hurt by people as bad as I have been but I just want to know how to move on. It would remove the weight of a world off my shoulders if I could do that. I have been stuck in ptsd for one year and I doubt it will ever get better. I can’t afford quality psychotherapy so I am screwed.
September 27, 2018 at 9:43 pm #227857NivParticipantPain, I just wanted to chime in with two comments:
1 – You are definitely not dumb. I seriously know some people with PhD’s that don’t write as well as you do. I’m serious.
2 – I wish I knew how to deal with abuse. I am in the same boat, trying to figure out how to move on and how to live with the past. Acknowledging what happened and facing my fears head on has helped a great deal, but the most vulnerable work that requires looking inside and being extremely honest with myself is super hard. I don’t know what kind of abuse you are referring to, but in my case, it was extremely necessarily to take distance from my family/abusers. After that, I could feel all I needed to feel (and still am feeling) and accept, just accept. I’ve been doing this for 5 years, and from what I gather here and in life, it is a life-long process. There’s no magical cure, unfortunately, but it does get better with time.
I wish you well!
September 27, 2018 at 11:36 pm #227863PainParticipant@niv thanks and I want to say that I am sorry that you have been stuck in this mess for 5 years. I don’t know what you have gone through but I can relate.
I wish I could distance myself from my family and abusers but I am stuck. I am broke and jobless and I can’t afford to go live somewhere else.
September 28, 2018 at 1:34 am #227869DaveParticipantDear Pain and Niv, I will say what has worked for me in regards to dealing with past abuse, it might resonate with you, everyone’s different. What I did, and only recently, was to allow all the feelings about the abuse come through and really feel them. At the same time I showed my younger self love and compassion and let him know I was there for him, that I had his back. I realised I had ignored and even locked away my younger self who those things happened to . That part of me felt so alone and abandoned by me. I made peace with him, making sure he knew none of it was his fault and he didn’t deserve to ever be treated in that way. By doing this I was able to start taking the power back I had given to those who abused me in different ways, and to the event itself. I started the process by writing down whatever came out, as I did that I started getting answers, and things about myself and my past started to become more and more clear. I did this all on my own. Then I looked up articles and videos that resonated with what I was doing. Every day though I just wrote and wrote which helped me get clear about my pain. Like I said, this is what worked for me personally. The simplest thing I feel would be to look at who you were at the time of the abuse and show him/her love and compassion, picture yourself hugging your younger self and go from there 🙂
September 28, 2018 at 3:52 am #227883AnonymousGuestDear Pain:
In your two recent posts you wrote: “I want to ask how you people deal with the abuse from past?… I wish I could distance myself from my family and abusers but I am stuck. I am broke and jobless and I can’t afford to go live somewhere else”
My answer: you can’t resolve abuse from the past when it is still happening now. I understand how difficult it is to move away, but it is possible, possible for you! Again, very difficult, but possible.
anita
September 29, 2018 at 11:19 am #228137BrandyParticipantHi Pain,
How are you?
You say : I am so dumb I can hardly believe it. I find myself wordless when I arguing with someone, I am useless in social situations….I never had any friends, no social contacts, no one in my life. Do you equate intelligence with social skills? I don’t. In fact, I find that many intelligent people have rather poor social skills. You said you got A’s in some of your uni courses — which courses? Are you better with numbers than you feel you are with words?
My advice is to try hard to attain at least one solid marketable skill. Have you ever taken a software programming class like java? You might find it fun, and if your uni doesn’t offer a beginning programming course there are online courses available. It doesn’t have to be programming; it can be anything that interests you, that takes your mind off your troubles, that you can parlay into a career. The goal is to become so skilled at whatever it is that you become an expert at it. Once you are an expert, your options will open up.
What interests you?
B
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