Last week, for the first time, I walked away from an acquaintance who went on a black-hearted tirade. In doing so, I told him that I chose to limit my exposure to negativity. Interestingly, to me, he immediately cooled his jets by half and requested that I not hold his tirade against him forever. I told him that I would not.

Walking away was probably not the most empathetic tactic, but he vastly exceeded my boundaries and I enforced them and avoided his ‘black hole’ of anger and negativity. The silver lining was that:

— it felt pretty good to have an experience that illustrated the effectiveness of personal boundaries, and
— my acquaintance benefitted from my action because I did nothing to fuel his rage, he cooled down, and perhaps he was left with a good example to ponder rather than the subject of his rage.

John,

It seems to me that you’re growing your tender shoots of compassion. As you continue to give what you can, you’ll naturally become more skillful. Notice how you see the unnecessary and impermanent conditions in those beautiful beings around you? That’s a far distance from the judge that used to declare them ugly. Remember to be patient with yourself, it takes time to develop “skillful means”. Said differently, once we see that others suffer needlessly, their pain sustained only by habitual momentum, helping people emerges as an art. Like all art, it takes practice and time to become proficient.

One thing to keep in mind is that we have very different views of the world, and our experiences within it. This means that some truths are unhelpful to those around us. For instance, if my wife burns her hand on the stove, it is not helpful for me to say “the pain is impermanent” or “when we are skillful at cooking, we don’t burn”. She needs cream, bandages, a hug, etc. Said differently, when people are in emotional pain, we can see it is only habitual momentum, but they cannot. Telling them, for instance, that they create their own pain can be invalidating, create more tension in their mind.

So what we can do is simply accept their suffering isn’t permanent, and leave it at that on our side. Suffering is a great teacher, but only when our eyes are open, when our heart has the space to look with curiosity. So we can invite them to look at it, such as saying “wow, that sounds painful, what’s that like for you?” When we ask questions about their side of things, we invite them to unpack their experiences into the shared spaciousness we help maintain. As we hear their stories, accept their attachments have real gravity, and intend on opening up the space, our heartsong becomes more wise, more healing for both.

This happens both actively, such as asking questions to others about what effective helping looks like, as well as passively, as our unskillful attempts cause us some pain which helps us to grow. This is why patience is such a virtue along the path of awakening, there is much sleep in our eyes… so patience with human suffering in ourselves and others remains consistently needed, even when we can see clearly. It reminds me of a quote from Children of Dune. “Its one thing to gain control of our perceptions, its quite another to gain control of our desires.”

With warmth,
Matt

John,

Yes, sitting patiently can require some energy from us, such as actively letting the words and arrows sling through us and just breathing, noticing our own ripples. Consider that “figuring it out” might be your agenda, not theirs. This can quickly become exhausting, as though we have some responsibility or personal desire to see them untangle their suffering. We have to let that go, we can’t force a bud to bloom, nor a being give up their suffering. If I were to guess, based on what I know of you, most of your energy might become drained by trying to inspire mindfulness by drawing attention to the knot of suffering they are experiencing.

Perhaps a visual that might help is the way we work with people that have seizures. We don’t try to stop their muscles from firing, we clear out the sharp objects around them. Said differently, we don’t try to stop suffering by pushing against it… as we learn to breathe in and out mindfully off the cushion, the arrows, words, experiences are perceived as empty from our side… much like the ripples in our mind on the cushion are empty. From that place of freedom and space, the untangling happens naturally, like breathing out… some effort, but joyous, simple.

For instance, your stuck patterns don’t ripple in my mind. I breathe your words in, and breathe out into concepts as the wind passes through. Then, breakthrough or breakdown on your side doesn’t create impact, ripples… on my side I am tending my mind skillfully, saying what appears correct without agenda. Tiring only happens when we struggle and resist the wind, the breath, forget to let go, forget to keep moving, take pride in “helping John”, trying to be brilliant, etc. Love and light are part of our nature, so we really can just breathe in and out. Tend dutifully and let go.

As far as the “yes, its the end of the world, we should just give up”… perhaps you’re approaching them with problem solving when they are still too emotionally charged to be ready for that. Hug, nod, soothe, gently hold their hand, and let the whirlwind blow itself out. If you toss new ideas into a tornado, even a piece of grass can cut through a telephone pole.

With warmth,
Matt

John,

Without knowing more specifics about the actual situation, it is difficult to connect to the tangle. Often when we look at ourselves as the genesis of the solution, it creates unnecessary baggage. For instance, if someone were to give you 5 bucks to buy an item, and when you get to the store, you find out it is a 7 dollar item, it might seem that you are the one to have the crisis. Its not your crisis, the forces of karma work through us, but we are only their carriers. We didn’t set the price, its not our desire to have the item, we are only giving our service.

Geshe Michael Roche wrote a book called “The Diamond Cutter” which helps bring mindfulness to business. It might be something you connect with, it was one of the introductory books on Buddhism for me, and bridged well into the deeper teachings.

One thing that comes up a lot, in western minds at least, is “yeah, spiritual growth is great, but I have business to attend”… as though business is something unique, demands us to act without our truth for the sake of profit or expansion or because of the social climate. We are the change we wish to see in the world, not the victims of other people’s structures. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

I really can relate to “we can’t force a bud to bloom, nor a being give up their suffering”…..