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The story i tell myself.

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  • January 10, 2018 at 6:37 pm #186057
    misterman
    Participant

    I’d like to Re frame the part about tics here as I wasn’t as clear as i could have been.

     

    Most people would assume i had Tourrettes, and eventually i found out it was easier to say i had this then not. My tics were voluntary not involuntary so i didn’t have tourrettes. This meant that when people enquired about this and i had no diagnosis, they would laugh confusingly and say,  Look at you! You’re grunting, blinking, grimacing every 4 to 8 seconds. There is clearly something wrong with you. I just had to sit there and be this person. It was very hard.

    This was one of the most common occurrences with others i’d have. “What’s wrong with you” was a question i would heard all the time, not in a nice way too.

     

    That’s all, thank you deeply to any one with enough heart and intention to go through all that.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by misterman.
    January 10, 2018 at 9:08 pm #186069
    James
    Participant

    Congratulations on staying sober! I wish I had some words of wisdom. Thanks for sharing your story. You’ll be in my prayers. 

    January 11, 2018 at 8:06 am #186125
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear misterman:

    I am glad you shared your story here. One point of interest to me, among others, is the tics/Tourette Syndrome, as I am very familiar with these. I have never read or heard of a person voluntarily tic-ing. I know of involuntary tics, such as the common eye blinking, and I know of the other tics, those that one feels the urge to do, can resist for a while, but gives in to them eventually, semi-voluntary perhaps.

    Do you mean that your tics were intentional, that you produced those tics on purpose? If so, for what purpose? And… did you tic in private without anyone witnessing? If so, for what purpose?

    There are other points of interest to me regarding your parents, their cruelty, but I will wait for your response to the above, a response I hope to get.

    anita

    January 18, 2018 at 4:20 pm #187473
    misterman
    Participant

    Hi, the tics i’ve always described them to the doctors as voluntary the reason being is i understand involuntary to be muscle spasms contractions you cannot control. I could not shake those tics but i still chose to do them in a sense. It’s kind of like holding your breath. I can control your breath, and can hold your breath but it’s not a necessity it’s more a super strong compulsion.

    I have no idea, what purpose i did. I remember when i was young one of the first times in school i poked a tongue out at a teacher, got caught and she  got upset. There was this game where i risked getting caught i found that compulsion being the platorm that resonated within me.

    After that it morphed, and grew i had probable 3 to5 tics at once. Maybe more.Twich, neck, i would twist my foot when walking nearly every step, tongue, blinking, grimacing, head shaking, moaning and grunting. Those were the tics i had which spanned out and interchanged as time went by. Upon writing my first post above i made a connection to humiliation my dad imprinted in me and somehow a parallel of me continuing his work by taking on these tics. It’s just a theory not sure if it’s true or anything.

    January 19, 2018 at 7:49 am #187571
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear misterman:

    There are muscle spasms tics, I know how they feel, the eye blinking. It is completely out of my control when it happens. I know the other tics as well, those motivated by the “super strong compulsion” you mentioned. Had them, and to a lesser extent, still do for fifty years or so. I had multiple tics, every voluntary muscle in the body involved at one time or another.

    Indeed it has been that super strong compulsion you described. I didn’t understand it for many decades. I didn’t understand why I was able to not twitch (that is, to execute those tics) for a little while, doesn’t it mean I can stop twitching all the time, I asked myself?

    I didn’t understand why at times, when calm, I didn’t twitch at all. Doesn’t it mean I can always not twitch, I asked myself.

    And I tried real hard to not twitch and failed every time. I felt like a… freak of nature.

    And then, I wondered if I was motivated to twitch so to punish my mother for hurting me. I wondered that because I twitched more when I was angry at her. And maybe there was this motivation.

    What I do understand now is that this super strong compulsion is a reaction to danger, a result of fear, of an ongoing fear, aka anxiety. It is the … individual parts of the body, sort of running away (Flight) or fighting (Fight), the two natural reactions to danger.

    Because my whole body was not able to run away or fight, individual body parts tried to do this very thing: run away or fight. But this compulsion, is not something I chose. I still don’t choose it.

    I hope to read your thoughts and feelings about what I just shared.

    anita

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