fbpx
Menu

The Sleepless Bride

Home→Forums→Relationships→The Sleepless Bride

New Reply
Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • October 27, 2016 at 11:05 am #119029
    Nan
    Participant

    You would be legally liable for the lease if you sign it. Should your father be unable to work anymore, the entire rent would be your problem, since he would not have means to pay it. How long is the lease? You would be liable you know? Each and every time maybe you wanted something extra for you or your husband, maybe a a little travel, it couldn’t happen, if you had to worry about paying their rent. You would then have some resentment building up with either you or your husband against you. Is that how you want to start a new marriage? What if his parents wanted you both out of the basement living arrangement? Do you have enough between you to pay for another place to live? It doesnt appear like your husband would accept this arrangement, and if you default on the lease, YOUR credit is trashed next. Are there other siblings or other family members who might help out? Could you pay the entire rent on the lease yourself if stuck with it?
    It appears that he is not agreeing to this financial ( legal) arrangement after thinking about it. Maybe you need to make a decision if this is a “dealbreaker” or not? Maybe you need to think what is more important? If your rescuing others is part of your personality, then maybe he wasnt aware of how far you would go for your own family. Maybe he felt that you and he have your own life to start and have a future for yourselves. While living with your parents, I always agree that paying rent of some amount is the sign of a true adult. But depending on the child to take care of the parents with no end in sight, could make a situation that would affect your own future.

    October 28, 2016 at 8:39 am #119088
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Amber:

    You and the man you are about to marry live in a basement apartment owned by his parents. I am supposing you pay his parents a small rent or none at all?

    The plan for your marriage is then to financially support your parents, to have them as dependents (and have your future husband’s parents subsidize your parents that way).

    To do so, you will need to stay in the basement apartment for a while. If you plan to have children, you might want to postpone that until you save enough money, over the years to afford children. Perhaps you and your husband should shop at second-hand stores as well and keep your costs down.

    If you sign your parents’ lease, considering their financial track record, considering their record of financial mismanagement of the past and current health issues, you are likely to end up paying their rent.

    And so, back to my point, what you are asking your husband is to adopt your parents as financial dependents from day one of the marriage.

    You wrote: ” My father is a big proponent of the belief that family helps family” And you listed all the ways they need help. But you started your thread with your severe anxiety that started, according to my impression, many years ago. My question for you is: how is your father, who is “a big proponent of the belief that family helps family”- how is he helping you?

    Because you do need help. How is your father, and mother, helping you in your anxiety? Did you talk to them about it, about your troubles and doubts about getting married with them as financial dependents?

    anita

    October 30, 2016 at 1:26 pm #119202
    Nan
    Participant

    The question, as noted above is “How does your father help you?” Seems kind of a one way street with his “Family helps Family” thought. Very convenient to take and take. Never having anything to offer in return. Have they ever helped you in a significant way? It is a large commitment for your future husband to adopt them as dependents (child-like, but not a child) and burden you and him with their welfare.
    Do they ever show concern or apologize for their dependence on you and the anxiety/worries they are placing on you?

    October 30, 2016 at 6:38 pm #119221
    Amby
    Participant

    Thank you for both of your responses I thought long and hard about your answers and it helped me to see my husbands side. You asked what my family has done for me, my father and I are extremely close he held me during my panic attacks ive always been able to call on him for help when i needed it. In my eyes hes been the best father i could have asked for, not perfect by any means, but a good man nonetheless. Being that im his daughter certainly growing up he did things for me bought me my first car got me through school. I know i dont owe him but i have a very strong desire to care for him as his daughter, perhaps its because i almost lost them I feel like if he dies and I dont do everything in my power to help him his death is somehow my fault. I was speaking to a friend yesterday who told me that i cant help my family at the expense of myself and thats true perhaps i unwittingly gave my self up over the years as this marytr because i was so afraid of losing them perhaps thats the anxiety piece. I thank both of you however for your wise words, I just want the people
    I love to be happy. I feel as though my parents were dealt a bad hand and its for me now to rectify that wrong. The thing i need to decide is whether it will be at the expense of my marriage. What you both said makes great sense its just that anxiety sneaks up on you during the night and it just takes hold every night i think about this i dont sleep i barely eat, I stay up worrying about all their problems. They dont ask me too they tell me not to worry but for me thats like saying dont breath… I know i need to make adjustments its just extremely difficult and I hope my husband can learn to understand that

    October 30, 2016 at 7:21 pm #119223
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Amber:

    Glad you are back to your thread.

    As I understand it, you’ve been suffering from anxiety for a long time, before you met your future husband. Not surprising considering the turmoil in your home-of-origin: your mother tried to commit suicide. Clearly life at home was not safe. No wonder you became anxious.

    I think you need to attend psychotherapy with a competent therapist so to deal with and even heal from your anxiety. You owe it to yourself and to your husband-to-be. This will be the best use of your money: psychotherapy for yourself, and if needed: couple therapy for you and your future husband.

    You wrote in your last post that you and your father are extremely close. Well, what is your father’s position about your current struggles? Does he think it is fair for you and your husband being legally responsible to his lease?

    anita

    November 1, 2016 at 6:41 pm #119382
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Unless you want to be stuck with the lease, co-signing it may be a bad idea.

    Hmmm, making “decent money” yet living in the soon-to-be inlaw’s basement? I’d apply the airliner oxygen mask line to the situation: help yourself before helping others.

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.