HomeβForumsβShare Your TruthβThe Silly Perfectionist – The Final Attempt of Always Trying to "Fix my Lif
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Matt.
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June 6, 2014 at 5:33 pm #58276
@Jasmine-3
ParticipantHi Plaedes
I am sorry for your suffering.
Hey, you are confusing perfectionism with OCD. You are exhibiting many of the features of OCD. This is way different from being a silly perfectionist. Mental health issues used to be a taboo many years ago. Nowadays, the statistics on these are alarming. Most of us will go through some form of mental health trauma in our lifetime. So it is not such a big deal anymore but getting the right treatment is important for your overall optimal functioning in the society. Suggest you see your psychiatrist again. Share these notes with him or her. You will also benefit from seeing a psychologist and implementing small goals in your life such as exercising, good nutrition, adequate sleep every night, meditation or breathing exercises, gratitude offering etc.
And remember, Plaedes is awesome as he is. You were given a full plate, which you couldn’t cope with in your circumstances and things are now spilling over in a not so good way. How much longer would you like to continue with this ?
Your parents are who they are. They will remain who they are until they leave the body. Do not spend any time trying to alter that fact. You are who you are but you are not willing to accept that. Can you be a little more kind to yourself, pls.
If it was me who was going through these issues, I would seek professional help most importantly (Tiny Buddha is great for self development, venting out, sharing experiences etc but it is not a professional resource. You will hear only opinions here and every opinion will be different). Once stable on medical treatment, plan to leave the country for 6 months and go somewhere else with your GF (if you want to take her along). Refresh and start a new chapter in life. You are NOT going to win this family business battle in the near future, however, you can win the self battle with a persistent but kind effort.
Good luck and may your worn out soul find the refuge it seeks. Sending you loads of unconditional love.
Blessings
J
June 6, 2014 at 5:37 pm #58278Matt
ParticipantPlaedes,
Whew! The fearlessness you show in sharing this story is quite remarkable. It seems to me like you’re in your egg, pressing against the outside shell looking for a way to hatch. Sounds good to me! A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Good god, man, you need to get out of your head. Consider for a moment, you and I are buddhas, champions, heroes, sitting down at a table together. Vibrant inner peace, light shining from our heads, smiling at one another. Then, on the table, sitting between us is everything you just wrote. Those mental cycles, spinning, seeking, craving… looking for keys, how to tear down walls, how to find joy. Like a tangled mess of threads all wound up tight, it just sits between us.
Now, I’ve noticed that you try to trace threads through the maze, the balled tangle, and you get lost inside. Anyone would. Some of those threads dive deep into painful emotions, which is also very normal. The problem isn’t the tangles, we all have those. The problem is that you forget you’re a darn Buddha. You lose the faith, hope, knowing, that inside you is an alert witness that is simple, content. Today’s meal full of all sorts of nourishment, some painful, some pleasant, but what a journey!
Said differently, your self diagnosis throws all these reasons, rationalizations, judgments… spreading out into your family, yourself, your company, your ancestry, and on and on. This is not your problem. Your problem is “racing mind” or “unfocused mind”. Consider that when you’re meditating now, its reaching for something. Peace, solutions, a “new you”, a “different view”. Still running, following threads, never just sitting. I mean, you’re sitting, but you’re not making the space to just-sit. Setting down the past, letting it go, not “forever”, just exactly “for now”. Letting go of the need to see a different future. Not “cease all dreams forever”, but rather exactly “for now”. Carve out a little space.
Then, when your butt goes on the cushion, just sit with the breath. Not for any specific reason, but just because your body needs rest. Awareness needs a chance to back away from the table of tangles, and just be awake. Just breathe.
This won’t make your issues with dad or business or yourself magically fixed, but it will give you a better stable ground to build from. Not “oh my goodness, I’m so broken, wah wah wah”, but rather “ouch, this hurts, what’s wrong, what do I do differently?”. A simple puzzle, brother, but the added painfulness (anxiousness giving a feeling of being lost or incapable) makes it much more difficult to navigate.
Next, consider that we have a fundamental ignorance on how to find balance. Your screw ups are not only OK, they’re fucking inevitable. Most if not all of us stumble a bazillion times along the way, and it was unjust of your dad to treat you in such a way. But dads are dads, have their own burdens, are imperfect, and so on. Let it go! Your dad doesn’t see it perhaps, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Right?
Finally, consider taking up a metta meditation practice. When our light has burned low, dear brother, we need to refuel. We can help our body heal its stress by intentionally thinking about happiness for ourselves and others. Buddha taught that the mind grows concentration quickly when it cultivates metta, and other teachers describe a smooth and peaceful quality to mind as we practice. It very directly helps to open up that space of inner ground, where the tender shoots of joy can take root inside us. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.
Namaste, brother, may your fields come alight as you practice.
With warmth,
MattJune 7, 2014 at 4:00 am #58290MJ
ParticipantThank you Plaedes for your courage to be honest about where you are at in your life, in your mind! For me, that is always the mark of a beginning on the road to healing and finding a solution. I also consider myself a perfectionist and can relate to your post. I am also a yogini and woman of recovery and have been for over a decade.
I have struggled with alcohol, drug addiction, nicotine addiction and food addiction. What I have found over the years is that the substances were just the bandaids I would use to help escape feeling feelings. The greatest motivating feeling that I have had and still sometimes have to numb out with some external substance is self-centered FEAR.
I had a physically and verbally abusive father and I found that as a child the only way I could elicit love from him was to act out in ways of perfection to get his positive attentions. I began molding my thoughts in relation to how he would see me and give me praise and not a beating. Soon that thought pattern extended to all my relationships. My “bottom” before I entered into 12-step recovery was colored with thoughts of constantly comparing myself to others, having tremendous anxiety in the most benign day-to-day situations. I am a runner. When I don’t like my feeling I try to escape. With the support of others in recovery like me, a community of yogi’s and the slow development in a belief that is all my own, I have found freedom. Freedom from addiction, from fear and from the perception that life is revolving around me. I have found joy in service and commitment and courage to say “NO” to others, which is huge for this people pleaser!
I like to think that the last decade of my life I didn’t just make a “final” attempt to fix my life, but rather a decision to be an active participant to continually assess my life and make small changes as a work in progress.
~ MJ
June 10, 2014 at 10:04 am #58481different_chapter
ParticipantWoW… u all actually read the long post…
Thank you… It made a lot of difference for me! I procrastinated in my reply… cause I didn’t think i had the “right reply: LOL
But itt feels even better than winning the lottery! hehe
Thank you all for caring for a total stranger…
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This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by
different_chapter.
June 10, 2014 at 10:12 am #58485different_chapter
ParticipantThe dilemna for so many years is… Can sheer will and determination do it?
Or do i have some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain? or is it a matter of being in the present… acceptance.. and loving gratitude..?
I have finally made the check with a Child Psychologist friend, and
I intend to seek a professional assessment for my condition… OCD or an unrealistic perfection… or straits from childhood…
with brotherly unconditional love to u~
June 10, 2014 at 10:24 am #58490different_chapter
ParticipantMy Dear Anonymous active Tiny Buddha Friend,
Thank you so much for your reply, it meant a lot to me! and i’m sure as well to many people who don’t express themselves.
What i got from Sharon Salzburg, again, was an end to suffering, and it is present in our lives for us to find our joys and inner peace! That made my perspectives disappear~ with inner peace…
We could have the most beautiful things in the world… only to be lonely & meaningless
and I got to learn to be consistent!
As for meditation… I got to overcome to be awake! LOL
my brotherly love and energy to you, wherever, whoever, you may be~
June 10, 2014 at 10:33 am #58491different_chapter
Participant@Mj… and all you beautiful people…
It feels like I have dreamt of this before for that 1 second fleeting moment..
I acknowledge you for freedom! I am so happy for you!
What I got is Reality and acceptance… that there will not be a “Fix It” Button… So obvious.. and hard to understand when “i’m inside the cycle:.. LOL
im smiling as i think of it, after a day of crying n forcing myself to sleep in fears to awaken to anxiety to what i missed..
thank you all. u have made so much difference,
I will be part of the Tiny Buddha community like you all too!
June 10, 2014 at 10:48 am #58493 -
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