6th of June 2014

The Silly Perfectionist – The Final Attempt of Always Trying to “Fix my Life”​

The Story​

Hi there, is anyone out there interested in my really long story? It may be hard to find much sympathy in my case, as others with the real issues of life. Thank you Lori for this website. It’s made so much difference for me and a lot of people I shared with.

Sorry about the fonts, I can’t figure out the html thingy. Oh this isn’t a suicide note, its just my summed up thoughts of my life story, which is typically repeating in the same cycles and too wordy.

I am so glad to have a chance to be heard on a typical day I always think I am going crazy, especially when I’m at the family business​. I don’t normally want to open up, I feel so… Embarrassed and abnormal​.​

If you think this is wordy, it is darn lengthy and long winded. And it’s what is on my mind most of the time, repeating itself again and again and again. This feels like an outreach to be heard… and for help… Though I wanted the “final attempt” of always trying to “Fix My Life” with journalling. It’s so time consuming. And most people won’t have the time to read, or be put off with the wordiness, it’s ok. It feels like I wanted to make the best summary of everything I feel as if I won’t ever have to feel it again once I put it in word.

​Not even my family will want to read this seriously. They think they know.​ or it’s just something for me to let go and focus on New Possibilities.​

But if you do understand exactly what I’m saying, I would really, really appreciate your straight forward advice in the comments section. Maybe I’m looking for someone in a similar position to explore how he/she had overcome, or well, any ways toward the end objective – A happy family working together and being the best out there that we can be.​

​Do I need a psychiatrist? Counsellor? Business Consultant? Can I afford them? Then there’s the concerns of finding the right one in Singapore and long-term side effects on psychiatric me​dications. I had already been through a psychiatrist and meds in 2008.

​Or this something I can ever get out of alone by sheer will and determination?​

The truth is, after more than 10 years, nothing had ever changed, not the feelings which grew in time, not the fear which I allowed to grow into an overwhelming giant today, the self slow suicide from abuse of addiction to smoking and alcohol. Not the exact same thoughts, feelings I had been talking to closer friends, till the same story I was repeating for years and our contact became less frequent, and the conversation always going to the same one – Time for you to wake up and appreciate what you have. Or… well, what could you say in their position knowing me so long. Along the way ​I lost touch somehow with some old and very close friends though we were always there for them, till today.

I hope that no one will ever go through what I go through, although it does feel that other people always seem to be more successful, things are so simple and straight forward for them… ​Even people of extraordinary circumstances have risen to be stars of their lives and heroes of inspiration to others…​ Just by not giving up and persevering on. They try, they fail again and again and they try, and they try and they try. Till they succeed at their dreams.

​Here, we seem to have it all, I have such a wonderful loving supportive girl friend of over 10 years that had put up with all my nonsense no one else would have, a house, a family business where everyone is still alive and seemingly so unhappy everyday.​

And I’m the only one who seem to be driving myself nuts.

Fear of Life

It’s come to a point where my fear of life has been triggered constantly daily. It was always there actually, it just became more full blown. I have become fearful of things to come, fear of death of the people around me.. Fear of wasting my life away and end up typically unproductive, chain smoking, drinking every night and knowing I should not worry about things I cannot change. And worry why I keep doing that. I learnt to let these thoughts come and go and not react to them.., like a falling leaf, or the waves of a surfer that comes up and down… My heart always beats so fast and the feeling of helplessness and anxiety is so overwhelming suicidal thoughts just cross my mind every day.

I struggle with my own views of perfectionism. Should I do this? Should I do that? Why am I so painstaking having to be so organized everything in my life… and I find myself in a very messy small family business environment where there’s so many physical things, products, stuff, paperwork, and things…. all over the place.. We just let things, be. We just let the business, be and go with the flows of whichever direction it brings us.

Abnormal Feelings

I’m always all alone in my own world on the 2nd floor, at the things I think I want to achieve or help the company in my lone ranger efforts. Most of the times, I cannot manage alone. I feel overloaded with information with time pressing on me. I could not seem to manage… I could not seem to remember things… That I should be “actually working” with the overworked staff who aren’t paid a lot. And feeling guilty all the time

At times, when I feel overwhelmed I wanted to cry, then yawn and want to sleep, and I feel so much better when porn or sleep crosses my mind. I wanted to talk to someone so much, feel so helpless, don’t know who I should call, looking for help so desperately like I was drowning. I feel that I had let all the people in my life down, always repeating the same complains to my lovely girlfriend of so many years and pulling her down.. when people are just normal, married with their own houses and kids. and I know not to compare.

The “Problem” and the “Solution”

What is the problem? It’s a major lack of communication with my father and a striving unrealistic perfectionist confused about being “Excellent”. I am taught to let that go, in an always and already listening mode, it’s a story I told myself my whole life and focus on new possibilities, and not dwell on it… But it’s not really working for me. Even writing here was hard cause I didn’t know exactly what to tell you, or if I should cause it’s like reliving the moments, it is painful to re write this. When example, I could just be focused on productive things, or helping the retail part of the business which

I don’t like the “me 2 products” that have so little margin like my parents always complain. I always wanted to restudy what business are we really in, and what do we want to do? What do we want to be known for? Why is it so hard for us to have a business plans and implement processes and stick with it…. Why do things not work for us as simply as other people?

My mentality all these years is to skip this ”short-cut” and step out of the cycle of what they are doing and what their practices are… if you are doing what you are doing to the same results everyday and expecting a different outcome… That’s pretty insane someone once said. And there’s such conflict I’m so torn apart. The conflicting feeling… or should I be learning what they are doing being practical and something along the lines of being hands-on with the virtues of discipline, hard work, respect, that big things start from small things..

Today I wrote a long email to my whole family on the core issues troubling me, knowing it will not make any difference or attention with the lengthiness of How’s and What’s? Yes I didn’t come up with solutions for every problem yet for I find most of my time trying to source for the right people or company working on long term solutions, one at a time. Mostly I get the impression people are not that interested in your case, as we are too small, I understand yet still feel hurt and lost again.

The things I think of are, for example, of how we can consolidate different name cards to a central database of emails of our customers for regular marketing newsletters, updates and an organised effort in coordination and helping each other. Instead of random mailings at different times “when time permits” and excel databases created from scratch (vs maintaining the Shared Master Database of it).

Is this part being perfectionist? The “benchmark standards” of how others do it? How do others do what they do and everything seems so smooth sailing?

Perhaps it sounds like a very small thing, though I really feel the need to make us of the current contacts we have, establish contact, possibly rapport with them, implement “Standard Operating Procedures”, better defined roles, proper staffing, and revamp the company image. I had been talking about that for years. How… is the million dollar question where someone will listen and think it’s important

and I do know that some of my ideas are not practical at all, example of renovation works for the business. The costs can easily kill off small companies, so we simply “react” to market conditions or inquiries. We are small. Oh the margins are too little. Oh, the big boys are around. Where can we find our strengths then?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not portraying the “I am victim” story, “My Life Sucks”, or “that good” or a “Great Military Strategist”, I am trying to find a way out. And being confused with trying to “fix it” and acceptance of just the way things are.

Communication with Parents

I just can’t seem to communicate with my 73 year old father on “modern business practices” without him being sarcastic and attacking me personally at all my failures. Being in their own car had become so unbearable I wanted to open the door, jump out, to test if the oncoming car would survive or if I would. My mom would be seemingly unhappy about something or the maid everyday. Day in, day out, I hear her tone of voice on the maid. When I leave for work in the morning, when we come home in the evening. and it still feels that way during the rare times when she laughs with the maid.

Day in day out. My parents quarrel everyday in the car. Certainly, there were many points in time where, I learnt that was just the way they communicate being together all their lives.
​Then another thing they say, andI feel like I’m in a car crash.. like my head is being swung forcefully and crushed from the other side..

Cycles of Conversation

actually, this is also the summary and the thing that bothers me the most.

Then there’s the typical conversation for over the last 10 years always amounted to the same thing. Silence was always so much more comforting. I know my father meant well from a loving conservative traditional man who does not communicate as most modern parents can: Put your heart and soul in the business I built, I am old. Don’t expect me to carry on the burdens. If you don’t want to work, if all my children are not interested, we sell the business. I don’t have to do this for you. I built the business with nothing, why can’t you all make something out of it? I could be retired. I don’t have to be struggling at this age. I don’t have to be working so hard. Who am I working for? I should be traveling without a care in the world. or yes, you carry on to sleep. Good only comes to those who work hard. Money is very hard earned, I’m up to my neck already.

and every conversation is the same with him. i am trying to find answers, how can we help? What would make you happy? What do you want? So, he does not have to feel the way he does as he did most of his life. Day in, night out, at home, in the office, in the car, the occasional meals at restaurants on birthdays. No matter what I did I thought was my best efforts which still amounted to feeling empty. No matter how I tried to be patient and engaged in a true conversation without angers. or when I tried to find solutions or work on, What do you really want then? I know you have your own fears, we are here for you, let’s work it out together as a family.

At times he will get enraged or tell me, don’t stress me. You all go do it. If I probe further, What’s do it, to you? What can we improve on? I don’t know, you just do it. And there the cycle of things he want to say repeats again.

And there’s his reinforcement of his superstition of Idols of Gods, Spirits of Ancestors, Thailand Monks and Joss sticks and instilling or rather, I feel being forced upon to worship and hold joss sticks to. But I did it in respect for a parent being upset and in my heart, all I was thinking and desperately seeking forgiveness was, Father, please forgive my family… I would like to be with them if I ever get to Heaven… When the times I felt real inner peace and felt somehow was when I really prayed to God, He answered a lot of my prayers, which I took for granted.

I learnt that, the conversations meant Nothing. I only made meaning out of it. Still… I can’t help but be affected especially after the earlier parts of what I perceive to be “personal attacks on my past flaws”. It will affect me for days and weeks. Well actually it affected me for as long as I can remember. The past flaws were attempting home based trading which turned to an addiction to Gaming, Unproductive things, late nights and sleeping in the day. Hmm, the unemployed coming to 40 year old guy with no drive in life. True, I achieved nothing and I have nothing except my loving girl friend whom I may not want to hold on and waste her time any second longer and at times, truth be told, she had lost all hope.

One day, I “woke up” and I am nearly 40. I had lost all hope when I was younger, thinner, with nicer skin, and I took my youth for granted. I made life to be meaningless. I always said tomorrow I will. I become lazy, depressed and struggling with the paralyzing fears of going to work everyday, so most days, I don’t turn up as my story of shirking responsibility and making them wrong. I learnt that, and that, that was what I had made myself believe about myself, which isn’t me. I learnt that, I could have not reacted at all, and simply focus on being happy and positive no matter the circumstances.

Ironically, I thought that although I was me, all my conflicts were exactly because I felt the need to be there for the family business. And I cannot leave them being with another company without feeling guilty. And it doesn’t seem great for my mental health but honestly, I would struggle with the same mentality in other companies big or small as well, in the same set of fears of not being good enough.

The Inner Peace and Happiness

I learnt that I have all it takes to be happy, right now, at this very moment, though most moments in my life, I really just want to feel normal like most people without these impending sense of doom…

And again.. I tell myself ok later I will sort it out all later​ … ​This shall be the last cigarette, this shall be the last beer, ​
this shall be the last time I want to think and be affected, the last time I want to journal it, I will put it all behind me…

and it has been more than 10 years. Recently I had been trying to run away, stupid as it seems. I had turned to Tiny Buddha for very helpful inspirational writings, some awesome self help books like Brian Souza’s Become Who You Can Be… Coming from someone who cannot finish one chapter in most books, I read the book in 2 days. I couldn’t put it down.

I was inspired and felt hopeless with google searches, and Tiny Buddha was all I was looking for. I see guys like Matt being so encouraging to people, taking his time to make his effort to help others. Then tomorrow arrived again.

If you made it so far, I assume you found my story interesting, thank you for reading, I appreciate all comments, big or small, long or short, “harsh or not”, kind or not, whatever you may think of it from what i said.

Thank you… I let it all out to the world tonight. And what I really, want to do, is to share the breakthroughs that I will soon have.
and at the end of the day, I always believed, what good is all the money in the world when one is lying in hospital from lung cancer, and is so unhappy his/her entire life.

Meantime…. Help??? ……………………

~A guy turning 40 very soon in Singapore…

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• This topic was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by different_chapter.