Hello Melissa,

I’m also a married mother with a young child and I can understand that it is very hard to find time for romance and that it is easy to feel at times like your husband is more of a room mate then a romantic partner.

In fairness my husband was never very romantic in the first place so I’m not missing as much!

On a day to day basis I try to look for the love that my husband shows me every day. I remind myself that he is working hard to provide for me and my child. He shows me how much he loves me by being a good father. He shows me his love by being present and by being part of our family. I compare him to the deadbeat fathers I hear about and I see how much he loves us and cares for us.

I think love and romance matures into something much better as relationships go on. Intimacy that is based on a history of shared experiences is wonderful. Becoming part of larger family and the joint work undertaken in forging a life together is great. I feel that these are less showy but richer treasures to be savored.

I wonder if what your husband means is “I can’t do it if it’s not spontaneous”. Perhaps you put him on the spot a little when you asked him for more romance and he didn’t know what to do?

I wonder if perhaps your marriage would improve in the romance department if you showed him what you wanted rather then told him? Sometimes people respond better when they are led by example. You could try being the romantic partner towards your husband, that you want for yourself. So you could make an effort to be affectionate every day, even if it’s just a quick hug or a pat on the back. You could try being really positive when you are around him, show him courtesy and affection verbally too. It’s so easy when you are tired and run down with childcare to be snappy or even just strictly business and I find we are generally very careless with our words to our spouses, more so then we would ever dare to be towards anyone else.

Why don’t you write love notes to your husband of the type that he used to write to you? It doesn’t have to be a sonnet or spectacularly emotional or deep. I sometimes fire off a quick email to my husband with a short list of things that he does that I really appreciate. The are often mundane little everyday things, but they mean a lot to me and I know it shows that he cares.

You may also want to try to carve out more time together as a couple. Easier said then done with young children I know. Maybe you should commit to spending half an hour together a couple of nights a week when the children are in bed. Switch off all electronic devices and share a cup of tea. It is amazing how far this can go to regrouping a couple.

I really hope that you find a solution.