I totally agree with Emma (so much so I had to join the website as I was not a member!) The thing is we are drawn to people for a reason and if you are drawn to him hang in there, I am not advocating doing something about it but obviously there is a reason for it for all of you and if you walk away you may just find yourself in the same situation. It is for him to worry about his relationship and it may be that it is not meant to be, as long as your conscience is clear I would just stay put and see what develops. Believe me your situation is much easier than my unrequited love! And I also agree with Sojourner, communication is very important although very difficult but it may help especially if he denies any feelings or goes cold on you – then you have your answer!

Totally know what you mean about not being able to put into words the connection. I have that too, when we text/e-mail it is all very bland but when we are together there is an energy flowing between us that is on another level that the logical, conscious mind can’t comprehend. My situation very different as we are both married and I can’t have him at all but I won’t walk away because there is a reason people are bought into your life and it may be to teach us a lesson, be there for us during a hard time, it could even be that we were together in a previous life and it is simply ‘recognition’ on a very deep level. You really need to just hang in there …. he is in your life for a reason and you won’t be branded a home wreaker, at the risk of sounding blasé, he is not married and there are no children involved. You are both adults and you can and probably will have many relationships before you settle down. Just out of interest have you ever mentioned having a boyfriend in front of him? If so how did he react, does he seem put out if you are chatting to other men?

Dear SpinBunny,

If you were to bring these feelings out in the open, and if he left his girlfriend for you, how would that feel? Would your mind be more at peace? More turbulent? If you were to leave the gym? Cut contact? Peace? Turbulence?

When faced with such situation it can be helpful to imagine it through in a safe way and really feel the consequence of bringing our thoughts/feelings to action. Usually, a call for skillful action will arise feelings of peacefulness. And a call for unskillful action will arise feelings of unease, further suffering, spinning.

For me, when seeing something through in such a way, it becomes a matter of derermination. Such as, if this were to happen, the feelings would be worse, no release, thus time to let it go. And if further desires arise, it is a matter of remembering the intention. It then becomes a response of acceptance, rather than a reaction of “oh, I want him, he wants me…” that leads the mind to unease, suffering, spinning, attachment to he did this or that. And on the other side, if that were to happen, the feelings would be easier, I would be content with myself, glad, more peaceful.

Another thing that comes to heart is what you said that he does not talk about his girlfriend. Have you considered (or did) asking about her, casual things? Perhaps if you see that he sparkles when talking about her, your own desire may lessen. When we wish genuine happiness for others (him, his girlfriend) it opens up a wide space within our hearts that in a way “pushes out,” purifies any other unpleasant emotions.

If it is a build up of energy over the last 18 months, is there a way to release it so that it will be peaceful, easy, rather than painful? Self-nurturing? Meditation on metta?

Dear sister, I feel your pain. No one can give you the answer but your own heart, and it already knows what it is. Consider sitting with it and truly seeing it, then accepting it, whatever it may be.

May your heart sparkle with joy, and your mind feel peace 🙂

With warmth,
Helen

P.S. Men (people) sometimes go cold for various reasons. He may have car/work/family trouble or simply be constipated 😉 I am not trying to negate what you are seeing, simply saying there could be other reasons for behaviors. If nothing else, seeing things this way, infinite possibilities, helps put our own mind at ease. Be easy sister, gentle, try not to attach meaning to everything you see.

“I am pally with a few guys at the gym and after christmas earlier this year one of them came up to me and asked for a New Years kiss. Nothing pervy at all. He’s married and just a sweet guy and gave me a peck on the cheek to say happy new year. After he did it he looked straight at my trainer as if to see his reaction. They are both very pally with each other.”

Call me a prude, but I don’t think there’s anything “sweet” about a married guy asking women at the gym for a kiss. I would be appalled if I knew my husband was carrying on like that. And then for him to look at your trainer for a reaction? Sounds like a lot of immaturity going around and poor boundaries on everybody’s part.

SpinBunny, you are a beautiful, loving soul worthy of your own admiration and devotion. Don’t look outside yourself for validation and attention.

Spin, I’m sorry. It appears I offended you, which was not my intent. Don’t blame yourself for explaining it poorly. As I mentioned earlier, I tend to be conservative in my approach to relationships. I didn’t mean to imply there was anything “seedy” about the kiss, but I do believe that at times people have unclear boundaries. I prefer to avoid situations where there might be anything misleading or that could cause hurt feelings or mistrust if others (such as his wife) would witness it. Also, I appreciate that peoples’ definitions of “plutonic” vary and each unique relationship has a unique “feel” to it. I may be projecting somewhat, as I have had situations where I assumed plutonic relationships only to find out the guys were harboring romantic/lusty desires. Do your female friends ask for kisses at the gym, for instance? Would you find it strange if they did, or is it just another friendly kiss? Would you feel uncomfortable if this same friend asked for his kiss in front of his wife? Would she be unhappy? Just things to think about.

These are rhetorical questions. I certainly didn’t mean to scare you off from posting further and apologize if I’ve misconstrued anything. I’ve personally witnessed a lack of propriety in situations where I think people unknowingly set themselves up for trouble if they’re not sensitive to slippery slopes…. as for my comments about validation, again I am sorry because it appears to have rubbed you the wrong way. It just seems like there is a lot of attention at the gym regarding you, the trainer, people observing it, commenting on it, etc. as an underlying theme in your posts so I wondered if perhaps you found it all a bit exciting, for lack of a better word. Thank you for clarifying, and again I hope that you won’t stop posting simply because I didn’t understand.