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the pain after break up, feeling lonely, broken

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  • #102448
    Kasia
    Participant

    hey.. it’s been 1,5month ago since my ex left me, out of sudden. it was a LDR, we planned that i will learn a language and eventually move there and start working in his country, because it was just more suitable for both od us. he’s older, has a house there etc. we were together few days before, then one day he didnt respond for my msgs and the other day he told me he’ve met someone and he has bigger feelings for her than for me and that he wants to end things up. we were not too long together, just around half a year, but after all the planning, I love yous and being told so many times i’m great and amazing, lovely, the best what happened to him after a long time…. I was just absolutely confused and broken. I could imagine all the things we planned together, family, life in his house, what he wanted to rebuild and change with me in there. and suddenly all was gone. from one second to another. I went throuhg almost all stages of grief, or at least it seemed like it, I felt like I almost accepted it. but I didnt for sure. Now for around 3 days i’ve been miserable. i cry like it was 3days after the breakup, i miss him, want to call him, or go there and hug him, be there in that place that was supposed to be my home and it felt like home back then. I still see every detail of this house and I miss my hypothethical life there incredibly much. I miss his smile and his heartbeat. i fell really sh itty and dont know what to do more. Everybody says it needs time, but It’S kind of relapse for me, i thought I’ve already been close to get over him. now I feel like i will never be over him. I feel like I will never love anyone. I cant imagine being with anyone. mentally not even physically – when i imagine that i feel sick. anyone else but him touching me in my head feels soo wrong. Today i felt like – okay i’ve been told so many times how great i’m, but why am I not great enough?? i want my life back, but i know i will not get it. and i’m miserable. i feel like no one will be better for me ever, no one will click with me so perfectly, no one will ever attract me physically not to feel sick when i imagine any kind of contact…:( i’m scared to stay alone. i thought I’ve found somebody i will have a family with, which i could never imagined before. it breaks me, that he’s somewhere there not thinking about me, being the one who wanted the breakup and I’m here, thinking about him more or less every day…. I was actually excited about moving to another country, because i think i always wanted to try that even before I!ve met him. I was just too scared to go alone. and it seemed so real and lovely… ohhhh shooot…:( now I partially know a language, but i lost that future and i feel like i lost my chance, not just with that relationship,but also with that leaving abroad thing:(( He is german. I cant listen to german song not to cry, even at work, so not a big chance for me to continue with learning that…. I just feel miserable, and really really want it to stop. I do all the things people tell me – i go out, spend time with my family and friends, i have work that i really like and it pretty much saves me, I have some travelling plans for next 1/2 a year…. but ….thanks for all possible helps and responses.

    #102452
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear tochjejo:

    I re-read your first thread and this one. These are my understanding of your situation:

    You are a doctor, a medical doctor, I understand, in some country (in Europe, I am thinking). You enjoy your job very much.

    After six months or so of a long distance relationship with a man in Germany, you considered moving to Germany and looking for a job there as you live “happily ever after” with him. In your not-so-many or not-that-long times of being physically present with him, the two of you never fought and the time spent was all lovely.

    Your natural need to be attached to a man is very clear, strong and understandable (as it is after all natural). Your trust in him as the right one to be attached to was probably immature, placed without adequate evidence, time and experience. You had, as you called it. a “hypothetical life” that you imagined with him. Not much of a practical life. For example: did you have a significant conflict with him during the 6 months or so? If so, how was it resolved? If not- you don’t have the practical experience with him to know him well and to trust him to be the right man for you.

    The relevance of this to your current heartache is to determine whether your heartache is about Reality or is it mostly about Fantasy. These are two different animals that require different approaches to processing.

    anita

    #102513
    Kasia
    Participant

    hey,good to hear from you back. you probably are right. well i miss him. him as a person,his smile,jokes the things we used to do together etc. i miss us. we did fight but just once and jt was no big deal. comparing to my other 8year llong relationshp with my ex this was heaven. but yes of course we didn’t spent so much time together to say it was the right one. and i was too hurried with my feelings (well not just me )and all the dreaming and planning it was probably too soon. i know it. but you know how it is at the beginning of every relationship all so shiny,lovely,awesome. and fact is,that i wish to have some fight or something really terrible to think about now,to say – well i don’t wanna live like this! but all i experienced was beautiful and i miss it. i miss the time we spent together i miss him as a person – i miss the reality. and i miss the fantasy at the same time…
    you seem you really know what you’re talking about,so any help how to get through this would be really very appreciated. thank you

    #102524
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear tochjedo:

    How to get through a heartache? How to get through pain… My answer is: feel it, feel the pain, let it be. And focus on learning, learning from what was and from your experience every day. Instead of focusing on the pain, get curious: what is there for me to see today that I didn’t see yesterday?

    Continue your education, the one outside medical school. There is so much to learn.

    You had an 8 year relationship with another man. What did you learn from that relationship?

    How could reality and fantasy come together for you in the future, in regard to a relationship?

    anita

    #103018
    Kasia
    Participant

    hey:) been working nights, did not have time to answer:) well recently I feel like I’m learning, starting to see slowly what I did wrong in this relationship (which I actually did wrong last time too), i didn’t learn from that obviously. I think I did all things same – gave too much, wanted to please my partner, not exactly myself, doing everything to make him happy. I’m like this in normal life too, i give all myself just to see people around happy. friends, family, patients… so i actually think it’s hard for me to focus on my needs and love myself. and that is probably reason why I’m insecure and why I’m such crappy in being single… And mpre or less i can see that the way he treated me is not his fault, but i deserve somebody who wants to be with me and give me what I’m willing to give him. Which is good. But it’s still bitter sweet. I miss him. his smile, proximity, the way he treated me when all was right. nobody ever did.
    and i still don’t know how will this affect my future, still can’t proceed loosing that future fantasy.
    Kate

    #103023
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kate:

    I think it is an excellent idea to see life as a school and focus on learning. Life as school is way more important for one’s well being than formal education.

    If in the context of a relationship you do things differently, placing your own needs as most important and aiming at a Win-Win relationship, then you can experience the kind of relationship that will do wonders for you. With your needs in the forefront and a Win-Win attitude you can wisely choose the right man to get involved with, evaluate him and your interactions with him over time, before you place your head over his chest and hear his heart (a precious memory you have of the last boyfriend). Once you hear his heart beating like that, you are already invested, before you know him, before you know if a Win-Win is likely.

    Please do post anytime!

    anita

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