Dear Yuhan:

You are welcome. I don’t know of books, I no longer read books and don’t have the books I read long ago. I decided a few years ago to learn about life from a “beginner’s mind”, that is, understanding things from the basics, by interacting with people here and learning  the basics. Not an academic, from-a-book learning, but otherwise.

You wrote earlier: “I don’t know how to  heal the  little girl in the  past”- that little girl is you. Because our brains are formed in those Formative Years of our childhood, and we don’t  shed  our brain, well.. there it is, right between your ears, and so, you are that  little girl, plus the experiences since.

Here are a  few  suggestions to heal the little girl in the past/present:

1. Evaluate the people you interact with and eliminate or limit contact with  people who are  in the way of you healing. This includes family members- if seeing your father or mother causes  you to want to fix the  old relationship, to make him or  her finally see you, hear you, understand you… and love you,  that is a cause of  concern, for me, thinking about your healing. This motivation has kept  me sick for many years. It is impossible to heal while keeping  sick or sickening  relationships ongoing, be it with parents, siblings, boyfriend, and so forth.

2. Psychotherapy or counseling with an empathetic, respectful, very  patient and capable therapist is the  best, but  not  all therapists are created equal, many help but then hurt, it is not a simple matter, to  find one that  is  good.

3. Manage  your life well, that is, be employed, pay your bills, take care of your basic necessities.

4. Here is an exercise you can do, here or elsewhere: let the  little girl tell her story in her words, simple language, like a five year old will speak, not the fancy language of an adult. Sit quietly, think of  the girl, notice if your face becomes sad, have the computer  in front  of  you, or a piece of paper and write, let her dictate the words, tell you how she feels. When you find yourself interrupting her by analyzing, or remembering  a concept  you read in a book, a label, a term, stop yourself and let her speak.

anita

Dear Yuhan:

It is a bad idea because the  only hope for a child is to fix the relationship with her parent/s. She has nowhere  to  go, so she tries to fix the father that beats her so that he stops beating  her. Her focus becomes the aggressive parent. She makes adjustments, adjusting her  thinking  and  behavior in that effort.

It  is those  adjustments that are in your way of a healthy adult  living.

When you still try  to  fix him, you are continuing  to  make  those adjustments. Healing is about undoing some of those adjustments, not keep practicing  them!

(You can think and write next about the adjustments you made to living with your father)

There is a big world out there with billions of people. Your chance to  have a healthy, loving relationship is not with the same man who beat  you until you were 20. Better choose another man out  of the billions out there.

anita

Dear Yuhan:

Take your time and post again when you are ready and willing.

anita