Dear all,

This is my first post here and I would like to get your feedback about what I’m going to write.
Maybe some of you can see things more clearly than me and share their feelings/insights, as I seem to have a blind spot.

Please excuse any typos, as I’m not a native English speaker.

My girlfriend and I broke up 7 months ago and I finally left her apartment on the 5th of June (I gave up my flat in London at the end of October 2013 to go back to Germany and she wanted me to come to stay with her. Before I left to London we already lived together in her apartment from beginning of 2012 until July 2012. So we had two apartments and saw each other every week – her coming over to London, or me coming over to Germany. We finally got together end of 2011 after she broke up with her husband and I broke up with my wife. Our story actually already started end of 2010 when we first saw each other and we fought our feelings for almost a year. We had this “magic moment” when we looked each other into the eyes and it was a year of playing cat and dog, as we regularly bumped into each other at work. This love was unbelievable, intense, pure, intimate and it was the first time I really understood what love is about (I’m actually 43/she is 30). We had this incredible ability to talk and communicate openly with each other and we really enjoyed our love. From the outside people said that we are crazy and pure love. On the other hand we often had some discussions and arguments, all because of external things, that put lot’s of pressure on us. But our love was strong and “magic” as she always described it. End of last year the external problems got bigger (me losing my job, having real problems in getting divorced – her divorce was a piece of cake) and it had a big impact on our relationship. Our ability to talk to each other changed and I had the feeling as if I had monologues, instead of us talking. She withdrew herself slowly but surely. The pressure went on and our fights got more intense, me losing my temper one day as she was shouting at me and slamming the door behind me. So I immediately turned around standing in front of her and asking her where she “wants” it. I didn’t raise my hands, nor did I even touch her and please believe me, that even having been really rude in terms of my words, I would have NEVER attacked her physically. So the pressure went on, she started staying away from home suddenly for partying coming back early in the morning. That of course lead to a lot of jealousy and more pressure on my side and I was openly telling her that I don’t like the way our relationship changes. This went on until End of May when she told me that she really loves me, but she can’t take it anymore which led to our separation).

After the break-up we had no contact for three weeks and I had a horrible time missing her, blaming myself constantly for having “f*cked up” (sorry) so badly. Then we saw each other for exchanging last private things at a storage place and she was wearing sunglasses the whole time, not being able to look into my eyes. Both of us had lost 7kgs by then and we are already both lean. She told me that she is doing so, so, so well now and that she is angry with me and with herself. You can probably imagine how down I was when we both left the storage place.

Our friends were completely sure that things would work out for us, as we were such an amazing couple full of love, but she told everybody when asked about “us” that it is done forever. The things that I had done to her were so dramatic, that there is no turning back. She also told her female friends that she was afraid of me as I have threatened her to use physical force e.g. to hit her (please let me stress this again, which I never did!!!).

After having exchanged our stuff at the beginning of July we had no contact at all until mid of August when she wrote me an email about one more thing that needed to be clarified. I suggested that we should FaceTime, so we could talk more openly and look each other into the eyes, which she agreed to. The FaceTime call was quite long (3hrs) and I told her what I realised went wrong, excused myself for some of the words that I said during our arguments and told her that I am really sorry. She listend to all of it, asking questions and really stretched our talk. When it was her time to talk she said was “I’m still angry with you and with myself” and “I am doing so so so well now!”. And that there was no other man in her life for being the reason for the break-up and that she has always been faithful (I never cheated on her either!!!). That’s when I realised that there was nothing more to say from my side and I thanked her for her time and ended the call.

No further signs from her after that.

On the 8th of October we bumped into each other at an exhibition and you can imagine how “shocked” we both were, as none of us really was supposed to be there. We greeted each other and had a litte small talk and then went separate ways again.

As it was her birthday at the end of October, I decided to send her a birthday card, which I did.
She never replied directly to that, only writing a general statement on Facebook. (Facebook – she actually never unfriended me and still has some pics of us and our holidays on her page. All her posts are about partying and are always with her girlfriends).

My suffering and heartache went on and I could really sometimes feel her presence and even smelling her, which drove me nuts.
(does that sound crazy?!)

A friend of mine told me to get into contact with her to get a closure and as she seems not strong enough to do the first step. So I wrote her an email on the 5th of December and she answered to that. We continued to chat on WhatsApp and she suddenly suggested that we should meet personally, after I wrote to her that I would love to hear her voice or see her on FaceTime, but didn’t want to impose myself on her. She came back to me with a specific date (18.12.) and after giving her a time in the evening, she even put it forward to lunch time.

On the 10th December she wrote me again on WhatsApp, asking if we can meet a day earlier (17.12.), which I agreed upon and she then suggested that we should already meet at 13h for having sushi (actually exactly at the place – which is in a different city and it takes her 40min one way to go there by car – where we had our first date).

So we met Wednesday at 13h and the greeting was very short and distant, although she smiled at me.

For the next 2 1/2 hrs (the sushi place actually closed at 15h, but she ordered two times coffee and stretched it until 15.30h before we left) she literally attacked me verbally in putting our relationship down, telling me how much controlling and manipulating I was, that it should have never happened etc. Just imagine somebody turns everything that was good into bad and you know that it is not right. Her body language was strange – on the hand crossed arms, but one the other hand she was smiling at me.

I was taking all her accuses and attacks with an open heart (I really worked very hard on myself since the break-up on my personal issues in finding out who I really am and NOT to wear a mask – reading Eckhart Tolle, Paul Ferrini and Nathaniel Branden really did wonders on me), telling her that it hurts me hearing that, never raising my voice, never blaming her, just giving her all my love. But also telling her that I don’t see it like that and that I’m really sorry that she feels about it that way.

Every time I reminded her of things that were good in our relationship her eyes changed for some seconds and then she got back into her defensive body posture. As I just said it didn’t make any sense.

When we left the sushi place we decided to have a mulled wine (it’s Christmas market time in Germany). As we were drinking it she told me a story of what had happened to her recently and I asked her about a thing that has happened between us in our relationship (which had a direct connection to what she just told me), that was very positive for her. She instantly said that she doesn’t like the mullet wine anymore and we said good bye with an even more distant hug. No word of see you again or whatever.

So, there I was. Completely speechless after that and full of questions in my heart and my mind.
– Why did SHE suggest to meet with me just to tell me all those negative things again, which she could have easily done via phone or on FaceTime?
– Why would SHE “waste” almost 5 hours of her precious time (and she is very busy, as she told me) with somebody that she broke up with 7 months ago and telling me again and again how much better her life is as a single (that’s was actually a thing she stressed as well while we talked)?
– What is happening here?

I am really looking forward to your thoughts and opinions, especially from the female members here.
Maybe I forgot some stuff, so please feel free to ask if things need to be explained more.

Thank you for reading to the end,
Lars

(About me: I am 43 years old and I was working as a manager for business development in the medical devices industry (operating tables), hence my transfer to London. I never did anything “bad” in my life for having deserved “karma punishment”, as my whole world is upside down at he moment and the universe has really given me a very hard time since October last year. I’m still in love with her and my heart is full of forgiveness, although I should probably forget her.)