Katie,

I’m sorry your sex life is dissatisfying, and understand why it can be difficult to navigate. Sex is often something we can barely squeak a peep about, even though it is one of the most powerful binding forces! Some things came to heart as I read your words.

The first is that it sounds like your boyfriend is caught up in sexual fantasy. Avid porn watchers get a very different view of sex than tantric practitioners, because porn is male centered fantasy, usually with the intention of providing quick orgasm. Instead of a celebration of connecting with love to another, and that connection getting deeper and closer to union of body and spirit, it is more like sense candy… potent but not nourishing.

It is no surprise that “wham bam” is the way you describe his style, and also that it is not satisfying for you. Or, that he seems to become passionate only when you become an object of fantasy in roleplaying. There are really two roads in front of you in these regards. If he wishes to explore something more with you, and you want to teach him about your body, then there is a path to deeper sexual intimacy. If he does not, or you do not, then it will be difficult to shift the current pattern.

Consider having a conversation with him about your desire to explore your sexual connection. Consider it might be off putting if you tell him you’re dissatisfied, so perhaps keep it in a context of “I heard there is a way more potent pleasure available to us” and keep the spirit of playful exploration.

Consider picking up the book “The One Hour Orgasm” by Leah and Bob Schwartz. It is helpful in awakening the body and understanding sex both emotionally and biologically. The goal isn’t really to have an incredible 60 minutes, rather, it has a series of well explained practices that help feed the fire of passion on both sides.

Finally, don’t be ashamed that you have sexual desire and may have to initiate the path of deeper sexual satisfaction. Too often women’s sex drives are suppressed by social norms and fears and so forth. Don’t be afraid of the inner goddess who wants a god to penetrate her and fulfill her… she is sacred and beautiful, and holds the key to inspiring him to see those desires met.

With warmth,
Matt

Katie,

When you say he is emotionally shut down, it brought a few things to mind. Some view the energy of emotion in terms of chakras, which are like spinning disks or pools of fluid energy. When we seem to be “shut down” it could either be a lack of energy (such as if he isn’t really awake in the moment and is lost in thoughts of past/future/fantasy) or he is suppressing the energy (such as if the present is too painful and he is trying to look away).

From your description, it seems like the former for him and the latter for you. Consider that your wanting him sooooo bad is something to be honored, and your fear of that causes you to stuff it all down. Instead, you can use that yearning to reach out to him… it is a creative force that you can use to pull him toward you. Said differently, if you have courage and just jump after him, he may absorb that and awaken to the crazy, sexy beauty that is in front of him instead of the objects that preoccupy his mind.

Or, you could also use that yearning to tease him awake, with gentle but persistent creativity… such as playing with his body with gentle stroking and squeezing. Each of us awaken differently, and it is up to is to embody the change we wish to see. Consider “I want to try something, would you get naked and lay down?” Then just follow your creativity and see what he responds to. Our bodies have a lot of nerves, and they can be teased and bitten, pinched and pulled into alertness. With my partner, we both respond well to being kissed on the neck and ears while having our back and butt touched and scratched, for instance.

Don’t think of it in terms of bringing him to you, rather waking his body up. Maybe it is in the body and not in the mind where the conversation will best take place! 🙂

With warmth,
Matt