Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→The Healing Path
- This topic has 65 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 10 months ago by
Gary R. Smith.
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December 6, 2015 at 8:29 pm #89106
jockParticipant“they do not choose to heal, it just happens”
So if we can just allow ourselves to heal, instead of forcing, planning, checking, reminding, comparing, controlling, etcetera.
Just this morning I felt in this “allow to heal” mode. Just in full acceptance of my imperfect self in the imperfect moment. We learn to be in awe of the apparently mundane moment.
I’m right with you anita. This is good stuff.December 7, 2015 at 8:07 am #89135
AnonymousGuestThank you Jack! You accepting your imperfect self; I accepting my imperfect self is what you/ I can do in our individual healing paths and then there is all that nature can do that we don’t have to interfere with. Good thing it is not ALL up to us. Just as we don’t have to plan our next breath, inhalation and micro manage our blood sugar and temperature, so we do not have to micro manage every single aspect of our healing.
anita
December 8, 2015 at 10:27 am #89253AnonymousGuestDear Reader:
I am noticing that I am detecting the (frequent) moments when I am afraid, scared. And instead of panicking, as I have in the past, not knowing what-is-going-on and what-horrible-thing-is-about-to-happen that I am now able to say: THIS here is not dangerous. Oh, and this here too, it is not dangerous. That is dangerous, there, but we people are all in the same boat on that one (no one can tell the future)- this is fear that I have to live with.
So I do not rush to eliminate a fear. Of the first kind where danger is not real, I can let it go (strange as it feels) and on the second one I don’t panic because there is nothing I can do about it and every human is vulnerable to that existential danger (getting sick, injured, dying… we can reduce statistical chances of the first two but far from eliminating these real possibilities).
anita
December 9, 2015 at 8:39 am #89300AnonymousGuestDear Reader:
There is this floating anxiety in my brain (energetic, chemical activity) that is not attached to any particular event in the present. There it is, an anxious neural activity in my brain, fear, unattached.
And so my brain scans for a home for the anxiety to reside, an event to be placed before it, only after.
In a healthy brain, one that hasn’t been injured this way, first there is perceived danger, then there is the fear.
In my brain, first there is the fear, then the brain scans for an event to … retroactively attach itself to it.
It scans: if I feel bloated, there is the event, being bloated. If I ate too much, or maybe ate too much, there is the event, and danger is attached to these two events. Otherwise, maybe I said the wrong thing to someone, maybe I did the wrong thing, or worse… maybe I thought the wrong thing, or felt the wrong thing or looked the wrong way, to someone. And that is the danger. And maybe, if none of those events is available, well, there is all of my past to look at, all the wrong choices, all the mistakes I made.
Then I proceed to beat myself up for the wrong choices, whip! Whip! Whip!
And it feels bad.And I analyze, trying to talk myself out of beating myself up by applying reason. And I fail.
While all along, first there it is: the floating anxiety without a home in the present, looking for a home.
anita
December 9, 2015 at 3:31 pm #89318
SeaislandParticipantHope its ok I add something I wrote long long ago. Your forum really hit my familiar pain about my need of home, a safe nonjudgmental place. I am still searching, I find it-lose it-find it again.
Oh, you sense a greater
need of freedom from her
…always wild and free
if not in actions-
constantly in spirit.But the ones who claim
to know her best
overlook a missing necessity
time and time again.Those with imaginary wings
search for a real home.December 9, 2015 at 6:37 pm #89339AnonymousGuestDear Seaisland:
Of course it is okay to post your poem, your writing in here. I like the idea, that this forum may be a safe, nonjudgmental place for people. Never thought of it. I like it very much, would like to do my part in creating this.
About your poem: freedom from my mother, is what I personally always dreamed about, your poem brings it back to me. I wanted to be wild and free, like you wrote. I felt like a caged animal, imprisoned. There were people who told me how lucky I was to have my mother, and they did overlook a missing necessity, time and time again, so I was alone with my jailer and tormentor. I had a dream one time that I flew up in the sky, in and out of clouds, nothing to stop me, in endless space. Imaginary wings. The dream seemed so real that I still have a difficulty believing it was only a dream. I seemed so very REAL.
For years, decades, i searched for a home, the old prison was not. I love your poem, it brought all this that I wrote back to me, right now. I forgot seeking freedom. I forgot the dream I had, the imaginary wings that brought me here, tonight, as free as I ever was, from her, from my jailer and tormentor.
Thank you!!!
anitaDecember 9, 2015 at 6:50 pm #89346SeaislandParticipantthank you
its really kool that you wrote something that triggered a thought of my old poem that I needed to rereadand then my poem gave you thoughts of your imaginary wings too.
thanks for the safe warm feeling.
December 9, 2015 at 6:56 pm #89348AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Seaisland. I like you.
anitaDecember 9, 2015 at 7:01 pm #89349SeaislandParticipantditto
thanks for the strong shoulderDecember 9, 2015 at 7:14 pm #89352AnonymousGuestNever thought I could be anyone’s strong shoulder. What a concept! Me, a strong shoulder. Strong anything. Thank you for that!
anitaDecember 11, 2015 at 12:52 am #89442
pjoyParticipantWhenever I read anything Anita writes I marvel at her wisdom more like envy. I’m trying so hard to not fall into negative thoughts somewhere I do believe what u think and say u bring about but my life has fallen apart. I am beyond scare don’t want to die afraid of my existence since it can’t be called living. As ashamed and humiliated as it is to say it I’ve been battling a total breakdown over a year. I have lost everything home car no income in over a year. Where I’m staying now I have to leave so don’t know where I’ll be in a week. I put this out only to say I don’t even know where to begin to rebuild my life. I go in a circle of need job need car need place to stay need a small cash reserve to get going it goes round and round. I feel so isolated and marginalized. I used to be a social worker and for last couple of years have been nothing. I don’t know what to say I guess I’m asking that all of please send me good thoughts and energy. I’m scared. Thanks
PamDecember 11, 2015 at 6:49 am #89449SeaislandParticipantI promise
I will
Pamela if knowing that there are people out there thinking of you and sending you good thought and energy gives you comfort–please feel that healing.Others may give you advice and the right words–I simply wish you to know I care.
December 11, 2015 at 9:36 am #89460AnonymousGuestDear Pam:
I’ve been there, many times: being without a residence. Shrinking and further shrinking my belongings because I was in between places dozens and dozens of times. Leaving one place not knowing where the next one will be.
I read you loud and clear: “I’m scared.” Loud and clear: Pam is scared, very scared.
Will you share What Happened? What happened in your life, here on in a new thread, doesn’t matter. Looking forward to read from you! (and thank you for the compliment).
anita
December 11, 2015 at 12:35 pm #89464jockParticipantPam
sorry to hear your circumstances.
I send my support though I know its not enough.December 11, 2015 at 2:13 pm #89466AnonymousGuestThank you Seaisland and Jack for posting on my thread.
More notes on my healing path, ongoing:
Recently I see my mother in a different way than that in which I have seen her my whole life. My focus has been on her. I saw her as the hurting child. It broke my heart, that she hurt, that her needs were unmet, that she was unhappy. Recently, I see her as one that HURT me again and again and again, many thousands of times. Simply one with the whip, hitting me again and again… and again. I see the REPETITION of it clearly. I see she hurt me, attacked me again and again… suddenly (not so suddenly, but it appears this way) she is no longer the HURT one, that one that I have hurt. “Suddenly” she is the one hurting me. Through no fault of my own. How strange. I insisted on thinking all these decades, insisted on thinking she was a good mother, a good person. It is so very, very strange to see her as a bad person (and it is difficult for me to type, as I just did: “Bad”).
Of course she was born good and nobody has loved her more than I did; nobody has seen her goodness more than I did. But now, I see, in relation to ME, that she was a bad person. In relation to me, she was a bad person. I can’t tell you how mind boggling this is to me.
To think that I did not deserve to be hurt by her, that it was not my fault, that she did hurt me again and again, many and many thousands of times, many of those times with anger and rage, with the desire to inflict pain upon me- through no fault of my own is ground breaking still, for me. I BELIEVED I deserved it. I was almost, absolutely sure of it.
Seeing her differently, seeing me in relation to her differently is changing a long held belief, one I don’t remember being without. To give up seeing my mother as the innocent victim of me, the evil one… giving her the badness that belongs to her. Freeing me from that badness that I distortedly believed was mine.
To SEE, see her like that feels like losing something precious, that my own mother loved me and never meant to hurt me. That my own mother loved me. I don’t understand.
anita -
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