I was in a similar situation not too long ago.

When I started dating my boyfriend (with whom I have been for 8 months now), he was still talking to his ex. I told him it made me uncomfortable. He then saw her at a party twice and we had a huge fight. This led him to stop talking to her. He said he loved me and didn’t want to do something that would bother me or make me uncomfortable. We have also been talking about getting married very early in our relationship, so I knew I could trust him when he said he would stop. But the thing is, I just can’t let go. Just like you, I have cheated and been cheated on in the past. We still fight over petty things regarding his past, but only because I am the one bringing this up.

I guess my advice to you would be to have a deep conversation with him. Don’t be too accusing, but rather focus on the reasons why it makes you uncomfortable. I have seen how my boyfriend seemed offended whenever I said “I can’t trust you if you keep talking to her”, but when I told him how it made me feel and why it bothered me so much, we were able to have a constructive conversation.

Some people might say that as long as they are friends, you have nothing to worried about -but I disagree, because of my personal experience. Like you, I wanted to and still am working on myself. Learning how to not be afraid of happiness, to trust someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, and to not let the past take over my emotions.

I hope this helps!

I also used to think “Well, I don’t want to be the controlling girlfriend. Maybe I shouldn’t say anything. Maybe I am the problem”. I felt bad because I didn’t want him to think I was controlling who he was “allowed” to talk to, hang out with, etc. BUT, the more I thought about it, the more I realized if I didn’t do/say anything, I would always be unhappy and our relationship would never evolve. And I had to be a little selfish and acknowledge that 1. I wanted to be happy, 2. I wanted our relationship to grow, because I do think he is the love of my life. So, even if I knew it would make him upset and that it would end up with us arguing, I HAD to say something.

I had friends telling me I was insecure but I definitely am not. I think it was a lack of respect for him to keep in touch with his ex-girlfriend and I didn’t want her to still be in the picture. When you say they are still in contact, are they texting? Talking on the phone? Messaging each other on Facebook? (God knows I HATE social media, but that is another story…) Hanging out together?

I am not sure if you can send private messages on tinybuddha, but I am there if you need to talk 🙂

If you want your boyfriend to stop talking to his ex-girlfriend, why do you keep talking to your ex? Please don’t take it the wrong way, I am just trying to understand. It didn’t bother my boyfriend that I kept talking to my ex-boyfriend (with whom I stayed for almost a decade), but he didn’t want me to keep in touch with previous friends with benefits. I just stopped talking to my ex because I felt it was disrespectful.

Don’t feel guilty if you feel angry or lost or any type of feelings. You know yourself better than anyone else and you know what is good and right for you. You said your boyfriend has complete access to your phone but doesn’t like you touching his -don’t you think it’s a bit odd? I think you have every right to know when he has seen or talked to her, but that is just my personal opinion.

My boyfriend and his ex too have a lot of mutual friends and I am going to meet some of them for the first time this weekend (as well as his family who is still in touch with her on social media…) I will do my best not to bring the whole ex thing up and not get angry with my boyfriend, but I have been overthinking everything for the past few days and am pretty nervous about meeting them.

If your significant other is uncomfortable with introducing you to ‘friends’ of his, that ought to be very disconcerting to you, whether they are platonic or romantic exes. It would be for me.

Without meeting this person that he values, this will always bother you. I would recommend that you assess your boundaries, and be brave enough to let know him what they are without ultimatums, and be brave enough to walk away with dignity. Don’t fall into the emotional trap of becoming a private investigator within your own relationship. Your dignity has value, if he has value, he will recognize yours.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Marc.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Marc.