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The end of the vicious circle

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  • #45083
    Annie
    Participant

    Hi everyone, I am new here at Tiny Buddha. I stumbled upon this site when looking for answers. My situation may be similar to yours and I am looking for help. I am at a point in my life where I realise that I am dissatisfied with my life. I am in my early thirties, I am doing well professionally, I have great friends and a great husband. I managed to get through my twenties. I am sitting here right now realizing that something is not working and the problem is deeper than I thought. I have been in a vicious circle of drinking heavily on week-end, smoking, gaining weight, not exercising, to being fed up and quit smoking, lose weight, diet, meditate, dont drink on and off for the last 10 years, it never last more than couple months. I have been on anti-anxiety meds since I am 20, I have taken medication for everything possible, ADHD, depression, quit smoking, lose weight. I am tired of not dealing with my issues. I have been in and out of therapist for a long time to deal with my past. I am just recently came to conclusion that I do really well when I have structure but I do very poorly without structure or someone to be accountable to, other than me. I am ready to start the process but I dont know where to start. I am often hoping I can just find a program, follow it for a month and be better. Like I said, without structure I feel very loss. Any recommendation ?

    #45086
    Hee
    Participant

    Annie,

    It’s great that you can be able to define what the problem is. Like most addiction that’s out there, it’s admitting that something is wrong is the first step towards improving it. I see that this is a problem you want to fix but you’re lacking the will power to make it so. What comes to my mind at this point is that through constant connection with your heart (about what you truly want) can help you make progress. You need to figure out why you would not want to drink heavily on week-end, smoke, gain weight, not exercise…. Is it because you want to have a better future? Get more meaning out of life? …. things like that. Complete knowledge of why these habits are bad can help you to change direction to a better and brighter future. You are like rest of us…. composed of a spiritual, mental, and body elements. Unify and strengthen these three elements! Constantly feel what it is that your heart desire, and let that intuition guide you every second of your rehab process. I pray you for the best! N never give up!!

    Namaste

    #45092
    Matt
    Participant

    Annie,

    I’m sorry for the powerlessness youre experiencing, and feeling like the roots of difficulty have dug deep into your life. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy and freedom. Sometimes when we begin to assess our decicions, we are quick to judge them as bad and so seek to stop them. The problem with this is that the drinking, indulgent eating, laziness arise from somewhere and do something for us. So if we just quit, our willpower gets pitted against our need, and eventually need wins. Much like if we do not eat for a few weeks, hunger becomes overwhelming and we gorge. This is normal, usual. There is nothing wrong with you, you’re just looking in the wrong places for food, and almost all of us do the exact same thing in one way or another. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Whatever happened in your past that gives you that sense of “I’m icky” is like a hole in a bucket. The drinking and eating and so forth are an attempt to fill that bucket. It might fill it for a few moments, such as being drunk giving you relief from pain, but they carry with them a cost. Consider that quitting drinking isn’t enough, you have to fill the bucket in other, more healthy ways. This is when lasting change can take root, because “quitting” is never as strong as “replacing”. There is no need for you to lack joy, we just have to find a food that is better!

    This is where self nurturing comes in. Few of us spend as much time self nurturing as we need, and end up compensating in a lot of ways. Going on walks in nature, taking a bath with candles, listening to soft music, sharing heartfelt intimacy with loved ones… all help to refuel that bucket as well as help to reveal the holes! My favorite form of self nurturing is metta meditation, which is a way of directly cultivating warm feelings of friendship and happiness in our body. Consider searching YouTube for “guided metta meditation”. Even a few sessions should be very noticeable, and if you can give your body 24 hours without being intoxicated before hand, even better.

    As for the actual hole in the bucket (or the unhealed knot from your past), it can help to talk it out with loved ones (if it is safe to do so) or here on tinybuddha if you have the courage and desire. They seem dark and twisted from inside the maze, but they really are quite simple to work out. Much like a knotted muscle seems to spread agony all over the body, but once it is kneaded, it actually heals pretty simply. Your mind and heart yearn for balance, and so whatever issue is stuck that pulls you out of balance is naturally painful. Its your body’s way of telling you to pay attention. In the muscle metaphor, the knot hurts so the mind knows the body is torqued… so it knows to change its posture.

    The end to the cycle is always looking close at what fuels it, seeing how unhelpful it actually is, where the pain is arising, then walking away. You don’t have to force it… much like you don’t have to force yourself not to put your face into a campfire. You only have to see it, then your heart and mind naturally abandons or erodes the cause.

    Namaste sister, you’re a lot closer than you think. It only seems dark and twisted from inside the cycle. From outside it looks like a beautiful woman stumbling along her path of joy, like almost everyone before her.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #45105
    Annie
    Participant

    Hi Matt and Hee,

    Thanks a lot for both your replies. I see great wisdom in your answer and I can sense and feel that you both have done a great amount of work on yourself as well. I have to admit that this has been an emotional journey but I am dealing with it. Last night was a bit painful, I started the tiny buddha program and wrote for hours. This also made me remember some things in my past that I had pushed way back. Since I have been on meds for a long time, I havent really felt anything neither. Today was my first day without any medications (medically supervised). I can start feeling more emotions now but I am also more exhausted. An example, I was writing about what are my obstacles in taking responsability and at some point I just couldnt think anymore. I felt so exhausted. I fell asleep on the couch with my laptop on my laps. Now i understand that working my mind and brain is as demanding as working my body physically. I am dealing with all these emotions and I will have to respect the time it takes. As for the reference to the bucket needing to be filled… Well i couldnt have formulate it any better. I do look for something to feed the hole. I did try to quit smoking, lose weigh and eat better and did not work for me, the proof im still here after 10 years of doing this. I can see where this has been my way to cope with my past and my emotions.

    The problem is that I had so many random things happening to me that I am not sure what caused me to turn this way. Maybe it was my dad diying when he was 35 and i was 7. Maybe it was the sexual abuse from family members, the extreme bullying at school, the feeling of rejection and not being loved. Maybe it was my mom being paralysed when i was a teenager or getting into an car accident at 20 and fearing to drive ever since. Maybe it was living off food coupon and piling up debts and anxiety. I am not sure and i dont want to blame anyone or anything to have caused me to be the way i am. It would be irresponsible of me to assume this.

    I do see the light and i do see hopes and i am so glad i am here now.
    A

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