Home→Forums→Share Your Truth→The End Of My Relationship -The Truth
- This topic has 12 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 5 months ago by
Susan C.
-
AuthorPosts
-
June 29, 2014 at 2:06 am #59843
Susan CParticipantMy ex partner is coming to my home to collect the last of his belongings today. Our relationship ended abruptly and nastily 3 weeks ago after 4 years together. He said some very hurtful things and made all sorts of nasty untrue accusations on the day we ended. We have not spoken since and it has been an emotionally turbulent and draining time for me. I have so much I want to say and am upset that the last words between us were so vicious (well his not mine. I did not get the chance to say much other than I want you to leave)
I know it will be fruitless to attempt conversation when he comes today but I do feel a burning need to explain and say something that will ease the hurt & anger on both sides… I made a note of what I will probably get the chance to say and a note of what I really want to say. I hope you do not mind my sharing it here but I think I will implode if I do not get it out. My ex partner may not hear it but just knowing someone else will makes me feel like a burden is lifted. Thank you for your ears. SueLast Words
I’m sorry that it has ended. Sad that it has turned out like this. I loved you. We had some really lovely times. Thank you. I’m sorry for any hurt I’ve caused you and I hope you have happiness in your life.
Last Thoughts
I’m sad that it has come to an end like this. The good times are lovely memories. I truly loved you and i believe you loved me but our notions of love are different I think. I couldn’t fathom how you could act and speak to me in such a mean way, sometimes purposefully hurting me with words then tell me you loved me. Maybe you did in your own way but you did not cherish me. You did not take good care of my soul. You were careless with my spirit and my feelings… In the end damaging them beyond repair within our relationship. I have to take care and mend them myself. It is a relief not to be hurt by you anymore. I will grieve for a time over losing you but time will heal that. Towards the end I felt a little bit of me dying inside each day… my inner peace & happiness were fading despite the strong smile and optimism on the outside. Which is why this came as such a shock to you and you think I have an ulterior motive, such as “having an affair”. This shows how far apart we have grown.. you do not know me, truly know me. After 4 years you still cannot see the feelings behind my eyes. You refused to allow me to express and communicate my feelings, thoughts & opinions so I became a stranger to you. Nearly everyone who knows about our split has said “but you looked so happy together”. I too convinced myself that the relationship was good. If we were happy on the outside it must be all ok, right? I rebuked myself for not feeling happy on the inside. There must be something wrong with me, I am ungrateful for not being content with this “happy relationship”. I fought those inner voices for a long time and tried to make it work. But in doing that I just placated you even more and began to lose more of myself. I am sad that we have ended and I regret that we didn’t “make it work”. I am crying tears but in my heart I truly know that this ending is the best beginning I can give myself.
June 29, 2014 at 6:24 am #59847
MattParticipantSusan,
Beautiful, soulful, and rich with sorrow and loss. You’re a gem, dear sister, may your inner self find its smile brightening day by day.
Good luck with the “stuff” exchange… don’t forget to shower after all that heavy lifting!
With warmth,
MattJune 29, 2014 at 12:42 pm #59856Susan CParticipantMatt
Thank you for listening and thank you for your kind soothing words. I felt a bit self indulgent posting and am happy to receive your lovely response.
The stuff exchange wasn’t at all pleasant and i did not get to communicate my feelings to my ex.. but nonetheless I feel a sense of relief and not overburdened with unexpressed feelings.
Thanks again for taking the time and helping me through a tough day.
Warmest best wishes
Sue.June 29, 2014 at 1:51 pm #59857MattParticipantSue,
You’re welcome, and of course! Its not self indulgent to vent, find a shoulder, and so on. Its wise! Why carry it alone? Its not like you’re throwing a pity party, your aim seems tempered and heartfelt. Good luck to you, sis, on all your new adventures.
With warmth,
MattJune 29, 2014 at 4:16 pm #59873Susan CParticipantThank you very much Matt.
I am looking forward to those adventures.
My inner smile is a little brighter today and maybe my experience can help somebody else now that it’s out there.Warmest wishes
SueJune 30, 2014 at 5:03 am #59926
Christopher BrennanParticipantDear Susan,
Those were indeed beautiful sentiments, as Matt said. It resonated with me greatly as that is how I too felt when I broke with someone I loved very much. I never got to communicate those things to her either, there was far too much bitterness and recrimination at the time. Almost a year later and I still wonder if I should, but perhaps that would only open old wounds. The fact that I read your words and understand your own experience have indeed helped someone else. May that inner smile glow a little brighter today, thank you.
Namaste
ChrisJune 30, 2014 at 7:44 am #59935MattParticipantSusan,
See? Wishes do come true, especially such lovely ones. 🙂 You’re a lighthouse already!
With warmth,
MattJune 30, 2014 at 1:15 pm #59975
lissyParticipantYour words. I can relate to having felt that at an end of a relationship. I wish you could have expressed them to him. My wish (as i read your story) was to tell you to maybe consider leaving this note in his belongings and have him pick them up without you being present. This way you could have known that he would have heard you one way or another without having to go through more of the pain you had been going through with his harshness. It would have been best (in my opinion). But when i read that the exchange had already gone through, i was sad to know that he did not allow you to do that. Just know that if your heart feels peace now..you did the right thing. If you can breathe easier…you did the right thing.
June 30, 2014 at 1:17 pm #59976Susan CParticipantDear Chris & Matt
I am a bit overwhelmed and truly touched by the warmth of your responses. Thank you so much for taking the time.
This conversation just proves to me that you can find beauty in the ugliest of situations if you look for it. I’m glad I reached out, it has helped me tremendously.
Chris, I am so glad that my experience resonated with you and hopefully helped in sharing the burden of unexpressed emotion. I hope you feel a little lighter.
This has taught me a valuable lesson – In those dark times when you question everything about yourself, when you are eaten up inside with hurt, self doubt or bitterness stop looking inside for the answers, tearing yourself apart with negative emotion. Look up, reach out and invite care hope humanity and warmth into your life. If you are open to it it will come to you and will begin to replace all those negative toxic emotions with positive healing ones.
I have lost a Love but I do not feel bereft of love.
Matt I feel positively lit up … by the kindness of strangers 🙂
Warmest wishes
SueJune 30, 2014 at 1:47 pm #59978Susan CParticipantDear Lissy
I read your response after posting above. Thank you also for taking the time and for your thoughtful advice.
I did consider leaving a letter in his belongings but for a long time previous to our split I had tried to express some of those feelings only for them to be abruptly dismissed & cut short. On the day of our split after another emotionally controlling “argument” (I never knew how to label them as I always thought arguments involved 2 people talking) I decided to communicate some of the feelings above in a text. He responded in such a way with name calling and nasty accusaton, that it sounded like he had read something entirely different.
That is why I decided against the note. I was too afraid of being hurt I did not feel strong enough to risk a negative reaction.I took the safer risk of putting it out in the ether and it has transpired as a good decision.
Thank you for your compassion, but I don’t think you need to be sad for that missed opportunity. As you can see I have been blessed with kindness and yes I feel some peace in my heart and am breathing easier.
Thank you for your affirmation. At the moment it does feel like I have done the right thing.
With best wishes
SueJuly 1, 2014 at 1:59 am #60021
RJGParticipantYou r a strong soul Susan…i know wat u have been through is not easy…I have gone through sumthing similar n i wanted to say so many things…i tried hard & harder to bring things back to normal…but relationships never work single handedly…i read ur post over & over again & every time i read it the pain in my heart is still the same…i wish u get the best of things in life…u deserve to be happy…ul heal & the healing wil jus b perfect
—loads of luv….!!!July 3, 2014 at 5:59 pm #60166
intheblissParticipantI am so glad I read this. I have the same experience. I am feeling so lost, and took comfort in your words. I also tried to express similar and had it thrown back in my face with denial and blame thrown at me instead of at least the grace to meet in the middle and feel sorrow at the loss of our relationship. You cannot convince him you are right, and no doubt if there is a lot of anger he will not be open to these words now, but at least in writing it out here if not to him, you have allowed yourself the space to feel what you feel about the end of the relationship. Hope you heal, you are not alone.
July 5, 2014 at 12:49 am #60230Susan CParticipantDear xxx & inthebliss
Thank you for your responses.I am sorry to hear that you have both been through a similar painful experience. I sympathise and if you managed to find any solace and comfort in my words I am glad.
Broken hearts do mend. Given time they will heal on their own but given intensive care by us they will heal much faster and be healthier & stronger than before.
So my only advice to you is to direct any energy, thought or care that you are putting into trying to change what is past; work out “what you did wrong/could of done differently”; analysing the relationship & behavior of your ex or beating yourself up – direct that energy into the present, into you.
You are here now, this is how it isDo things for you. All of those good things that got thrown back at you? All that love that you gave and was not received in the way it should have been? You have all that love and goodness to give. So give it to someone who needs it, deserves it and will appreciate it… YOU!
Whilst in the midst of this horrible time my friend threw down a challenge for me to find 3 daily positives for 7 days and declare them. It was just one of those social media games, and my first thought was “oh no this is not a good time”. But I did it anyway. It meant I was making a conscious decision to look for positives during a really tough time. I found myself making positives happen, simple things like a picnic in the park, contacting old friends or simply giving myself a pamper night.
Doing these things made me feel good, declaring them resulted in receiving lots of positive feedback and having some cheerful conversations.
Most importantly all the positivity and good stuff that I put out there was received with grace and reciprocated. I have realised that I have lots of loving relationships in which I am appreciated. I had just focused most of my energy towards the one where I wasn’t.
A couple of people at my workplace (who didn’t know anything about my personal life) commented that I was looking really well. One asked if I had been on holiday because I was glowing. Another said it must be love (how ironic!) But she is right in a way…. I tried for so long to make my relationship work I focused everything on it and neglected me… Now I was nurturing & loving myself and it showed from the inside out.I’m not trying to make it sound easy or trivialise the pain I know you are feeling. My heart still aches and there are still quiet times of tears but this is recovery… it’s never a straight road. I just want to share my experience of what is helping me to heal with you.
You both seem like good giving people. If you had a friend in need I’m sure you would love & care for them… well you are that friend.
The time for analysing a broken relationship is when you are better. Then look back on it with fresh eyes, a rational head and strong heart. Only then can you learn the lessons it was meant to teach you and apply that learning to make future relationships better.
I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and share your feelings. Thank you.
I know that you will both heal and I am optimistic for your futures. I hope that today and every day after brings you comfort and happiness.
With warmest wishes
Sue x -
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 