I’m extremely frustrated.

I am 24 and hitting somewhat of a quarter life crisis. Not about what I want to do with my life. I’ve got that figured out. I want to live day-to-day in happiness. I haven’t worked out the details but I don’t think they are really that important today.

My crisis has arisen out of the realization that I’ve been living unnecessarily unhappy my entire life. I never knew that things could be any different. I just assumed that once I found a career that I really loved and a man who wanted to be with me, things would improve. I’m realizing that won’t change a thing.

It’s very sad to think I’ve spent my entire life feeling unworthy. I feel bad for her. The girl who apologizes for everything so that she doesn’t risk upsetting someone. The girl who doesn’t stick up for herself. The girl who is in one miserable relationship after another because she picks people who are unavailable and then feels terrible when they don’t want it to be anything more than casual. The girl who rarely finds meaningful friendships because she doesn’t feel like people will like the real her. She hides anything real. She seeks approval. She drives people away.
It’s hard to open your eyes up and see how ashamed we can be of ourselves.

I’m embarrassed about the most recent break-up. I knew what it was and I still clung to him until I was the most miserable version of myself. I needed his love and he wasn’t able to give it. Both of us should not have been entering a relationship. But we did because we wanted someone to make us feel better.

I feel like he doesn’t respect me now. Because of the way I allowed myself to be treated. It hurts to lose someone that was such a big part of my life, whether or not is was a positive experience. I recognize him as the changing point of my opinion of myself, the catalyst to me being a better person…I guess that was his purpose in my life. I wish it were easy to accept that and let it go. My feelings are still there and it hurts.

I’m reading article after article on finding peace and loving yourself. They are wildly inspirational. The problem is: I want to be that person right now and I’m not. It’s as if I’ve been born again and I have to teach myself how to live now. Someone who has been unhappy their entire life does not just wake up one day loving themselves unconditionally. We have been conditioned. To “uncondition” takes a ton of hard work. I have a therapist, I’ve started volunteering, I’m trying yoga and meditation, I’ve got countless self-help books on my Kindle. The only good thing I can say about my state of mind is that I’m not depressed. I’m not utterly miserable. I am, however, numb. I am living without a spark. It’s like I’m passing the time until death. Nothing is exciting. I know I have to take the time to mourn the ending of my relationship. I’m also mourning for the girl who has been so convinced that she wasn’t worthy of love or success. Let me repeat: this realization is heart-breaking for me.

I’ve read about the depression and about the light at the end of the tunnel. No one speaks to the middle ground. No one has talked to me about how painful it is to lay all of your flaws and mistakes out in front of you and find the compassion to love yourself with them when no one else seems to be able to.

I know this stuff takes time but there is this voice in the back of my head that keeps saying “what if you’re missing something? What if you don’t manage to make your life what you want it to be? What if you can’t learn to live without the approval of others?”

Am I trying hard enough? What else could I do?

This brings me to the one positive piece to focus on right now. Finding the compassion for yourself allows you to find the compassion for everyone else. It makes me want to help others who may be struggling because in the end, we’re all fighting the same battles. We’re all trapped in our own minds. I’m writing because I know someone else feels exactly the same way that I do and maybe we can bring each other a little peace through compassion and understanding.