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The 2 year engagement and counting….and wondering…

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • December 1, 2013 at 10:18 pm #46061
    TnVol
    Participant

    Hello. I am new to TB as I stumbled upon it tonight while looking for answers for my 4 and half year relationship. To make it (kinda) short and sweet…..I am 33 and my fiancé of 2 and a half years is 42. He was married once about 10 years ago, but no children. When we met we were totally smitten and I moved in with him in less than a year. I knew he was the man I had always hoped for and wanted to have children with. Well, about 2 yrs ago things started going down hill. We argue a lot and up until recently I was convinced it was my fault because this is what he’s always told me. I do have anxiety that has always caused moodiness, but nothing that I deemed “crazy”. He convinced me that this was the root of our problems and since then I have tried multiple medications, therapy, psychiatry and even self help books. I have now come to realize that has some very prominent narcissistic traits and the more I research the more I realize that this may be a huge problem. He always tells me that we aren’t like normal couples and even after giving him examples of my friends relationships that are much like ours he insists that he deserves better. I can and do anticipate about every need/want of this man and do everything I can to make him happy. ITS JUST NEVER ENOUGH. It has gotten to the point that he calls me names and seems to be demeaning me constantly when we argue by telling me ALL the things that I do wrong that are making our relationship unhealthy. I love him with all my heart and truly want things to work, but I’m starting to wonder if that’s possible. My research tells me that narcissists need constant adoration and praise from others. Unfortunately, he does not have many close friends like I do so he constantly needs these things from ME and I have become exhausted. I would love to hear from anyone who has been through a similar situation or anyone who may have insight, opinions, etc. I AM OPEN TO ANY FEEDBACK AT THIS POINT!

    My sincere thanks.

    December 1, 2013 at 11:17 pm #46063
    Monk
    Participant

    Has he developed these Narcissistic traits recently or have you seen any signs when you were dating ? I think you need to communicate your feelings to him, if he is mature enough to understand how you feel and is willing to at least try to change – there is still hope, Finally you are the judge of when enough is enough..but most of the time lack of communication is the root cause of issues between couples..make sure you make him perfectly aware that he also has equal responsibility to make the relationship work….relationship like life, is not a bed of roses, you have to work at it and face obstacles as they come…hope things turn out well for you

    December 2, 2013 at 7:13 am #46073
    Al
    Participant

    Personally, I would only ever speak to my partner with kindness. If I had to resort to name calling and making demeaning comments then I would recognize that the fault is with me and try to change. Your feelings for him may be strong but if your relationship with him leads to the deterioration of your mental and spiritual health then perhaps separation may be the answer. However, do proceed with Monk’s advice first.

    December 2, 2013 at 8:51 am #46076
    Tim
    Participant

    just a thought….

    communication, communication, communication….. However it’s what you communicate that is important.

    are you communicating that you are here just to serve him ? (maybe ?)

    Most men like confident, self respecting partners….. Are you just serving him… in fact others in general ?? (ie miss fixit ?) instead of doing things for you?

    Just a thought…. next time something is expected of you. nothing important obviously. Just don’t do it. comminicate it first, make sure you both know that you can’t do “X” bacuse you are taking that time back for yourself. go to a spar, have a weekend away with the girls, go and take a trip to your friends and go for longer than usual..go for a 20mile walk………. whatever it is, do something for you at a point where you normally do something for him. Do this with love for yourself rather than to spite him. (hence the communication prior to it happening)

    Over a period of time there are 2 probable outcomes from this path…….

    1st/ he will love the new self respecting you and will drop everything to be with you (remember to him it now looks like you “don’t need him”)

    2nd/ he will fight it, start to try and control you and stop you doing things for you… at that point you know what your next move has to be. However at least you will be prepaired for it as you will have spent your time building up your self repect…..

    as i say, just a thought….
    TJ

    December 2, 2013 at 9:23 am #46078
    TnVol
    Participant

    I Sooo appreciate this insight guys! Monk, I’m sure there were Narc tendencies in the beginning, but as a text book Narc his first impression was prince charming-esque

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