Talking With Ex Who Broke My Heart - Nervous

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This topic has 7 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 8 months ago by Simon Osborn.

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August 1, 2016 at 8:15 am #111173

Carly
Participant

Hi all, I hope everyone reading this is doing well

I’ve posted a couple threads in the Relationship forum, and one in Tough Times, but the below is about something recent that just happened, and I wanted to start a new chain. Any advice would be so much appreciated.

My boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me a little over 6 months ago. I was completely blindsided and honestly, as the days go on I feel so much worse. I am depressed, and really hate my life. I’m so heartbroken and sad.

I’ve tried to reach out to my ex multiple times, to understand what happened, and try to get back together. most of what I said is that I love him so much and am willing to do anything to make this work. However, the conversations haven’t really been that great. In July, I wrote him this extremely long email describing how much I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I wanted to work through our problems (he hid his drinking, and because of that I had trust issues) and support him in whatever way I could. I wanted to have a family with him and make a life together. I also apologized for some things I said and did when we were going through a rough patch, because at the time I wasn’t sure the best way to handle things. Now that I have more of a mindfulness practice, I understand the ways that I should have acted. It was a very honest email and in no way could leave him wondering how I am feeling.

I received a vague response back. he said he is happy (which I am glad, though it hurts because I wish he was happy with me) and that he is willing to talk. I feel like this is a bad sign because, to me, it seems like he is over the relationship and is in a good enough place to talk. I know it happens a lot, but I have such trouble understanding how he can move on from the relationship so quickly, and how my feelings can not be reciprocated when I feel SO strongly about a person.

I’m really nervous about this conversation. I know it won’t go the way I want, but I feel like I need to talk to him anyway. I think I am just going to ask a bunch of questions, and apologize for a few things.

Has anyone been in this situation before? Any advice, or suggestions would be very appreciated.

Thanks so much!

August 1, 2016 at 8:36 am #111177

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Carly:

I read your update on the older thread. My suggestion regarding you getting together with him (in person, is it?) this coming Wednesday, to talk, is that you prepare. Use this time and this thread to prepare for the conversation to come.

If you don’t prepare, nothing much is likely to happen during the conversation: you will be too distressed with fears and worries, you will be hearing your own anxious thoughts above what he will be saying. You will not be available to listen to him. Therefore- prepare. If you’d like to do so, think how you can prepare and let me know. Then I can help you with the preparation.

anita

August 1, 2016 at 8:51 am #111179

Carly
Participant

Thanks so much Anita! It will be over the phone, which I think will be slightly easier since it would be very hard to see him.

Right now I am thinking about writing out a bunch of questions, and things that I want to say. I’m worried I will get too overwhelmed and not be able to express everything that I want. I am also worried that he will not want to stay on the phone long enough to hear everything, nor will he answer everything I ask. I know I can’t control him or how the conversation will go, but I still get anxiety thinking about it

August 1, 2016 at 7:04 pm #111259

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Carly:

You want to say a lot to him but you already did, in that long email, didn’t you? The more you talk the less he talks and what he says is important.

What you want is more than one phone conversation. So listen to what he says, don’t rush, pay attention to everything he says. If he says something vague and you don’t understand what he meant by it, ask him.

You can prepare 1-3 questions ahead of time but ask them only if there is long enough silence in the call, a long break when no one talks.

So the call starts, he says hi, you say hi. Then wait for a moment. Don’t rush with your thoughts and feelings, let there be breaks in the conversation.

Be as calm as you can be (a hot bath before the call? A swim?) before the call.

Prepare yourself before the call to the possibility that he is not at all interested in a relationship with you. Prepare yourself to all possibilities- write them down and meditate on them, so that you are prepared before the call. Try to accept each possibility and come to some peace over it.

I wonder how you will be able to listen to him if you are distressed during the call, and- if you choose to share what he says here so to get feedback from me- how will you be able to remember what he said?

anita

August 2, 2016 at 5:15 am #111294

Abhimanuyu Sharma
Participant

Dearest Calry;
i too had a relationship of exactly 7 years. Believe me i did everything possible to work it out. the fear of losing her made me scared to death. i strongly believe in marring the girl whom you love. Writing about my love story will take 20 pages minimum but as i said “story” so its past. i know why you want to talk with him so bad. y r u so prepared? because u still have hope that he may(not will) admire your sacrifice, loyalty etc may be acknowledge your efforts and give you a VALID(not vogue) reason for the failure of your love story. But speaking from my experience if he appreciates you, then he will ask himself y he left u at the first place? how could he make such a good loving girl cry? how could he heart-break such an angel?.. too escape his cowardly act of giving up on you and feel good about himself he will surely try his best to avoid conversation.
We need a pair to clap and a single to slap. Same applies to ex-es. life is a journey, enjoy it. Relationships are lessons learn from it. The actions described by you, makes you sound desperate. please avoid that. you are giving him the power of control and importance. If he truly loved u exactly the same way u did… he would have reacted in the same way as u did. but that’s not happening so let it go..princess. Let him dwell into the world of ex-es. he will need your help ever now and then. but you behave just like GOOGLE. only reply to what he ask.. no personal feelings at all. EVEN JUSTIN KNOWS “WHAT GOES AROUND COMES BACK AROUND” so let him reap what he sow.
b happy
b confident
b princess
b strong
world is a very large place with rare angels like you. its his loss not yours. cheers mate:) hope it helps

August 4, 2016 at 8:43 am #111502
Carly
Participant
Hi all, thank you so much for responding! This was all very helpful.

I spoke with my ex yesterday. It was an extremely hard conversation (I did cry a lot) but I feel like I said mostly everything I wanted to say. He said a few things that helped me feel better, as well as some things that hurt (but I know unintentional on his part)

One thing that killed me is that my ex doesn’t love me anymore, though he said that he loves me in a different way- I can tell he was saying that to be nice. It’s hard to understand because I love him so much and can’t image my life without him. That is something I will need to work through now.

Thanks again
- This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Carly.
August 4, 2016 at 9:10 am #111508

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Carly:

It is a difficult thing to accept: that the man you feel so much love for does not love you, is not attached to you the way you are to him.

What is your next step?

anita

August 8, 2016 at 6:50 am #111845

Simon Osborn
Participant

Hi Carly,
This is somewhat incredible, I had an 8 year relationship with my ex partner though we split up almost 5 years ago if I remember correctly. Her name was also Carly and your story sounds as if I had been on the other end of it.

Call him, please.

If I can say anything for my relationship, as soon as I broke up with her I shattered her heart and crushed mine at the same time. I can remember feeling terribly guilty for a good year after breaking up with her, I wanted to speak with her all year and for years after. I didn’t want to completely loose touch though I knew I could hurt her by staying as a friend. I had to leave completely.

Heartbreak is horrible, if you need to speak with him just go for it. Say everything you need to say and ask anything you want. If he has a backbone he will speak with you, else he doesn’t respect you or is still too hurt.

-Simon.
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