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Talking Before Thinking

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  • January 31, 2021 at 11:22 am #373705
    ConfusedinCali
    Participant

    Hi,

    When speaking with others or witnessing what someone has done, I tend to speak my mind without thinking and then regret my thoughts either a few minutes later or later in the evening or the next day when the person isn’t around for me to apologize. It ends up eating at me, and now my thoughts have made a mountain out of a molehill.

    I like this quote I found in a TinyBuddha article “3 Things to Help You Stop Saying Things You Regret (Wilk, n.d) “If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind.” ~Buddha

    Other things she proposed to do is breath, respond, don’t react, and reflect. Can anyone recommend other things to do.

    Thank you for your time,

    Confused in Cali.

    January 31, 2021 at 12:11 pm #373822
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ConfusedinCali:

    To give you advice specific to your personal tendency to speak your mind without thinking, you are welcome to give me 1-3 examples of separate occasions when you spoke your mind to three different individuals: (a) What were the circumstance of you speaking your mind, (b) What is it that you said and in what tone, and (c) What was the response of the listener/ did what you say affect the relationship with that person?

    anita

    January 31, 2021 at 8:10 pm #373871
    ConfusedinCali
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I mostly dispute what someone says. For instance, a co-worker noticed something about another co-worker that she reported to a supervisor (she didn’t lag (rat) on anyone. It was a safety issue she was concerned about). When she told me what she had done I immediately went to combative mode and expressed that I felt that she shouldn’t have told the supervisor. She explained why she did but for some reason I wasn’t hearing it. I was so busy getting my rusted two cents out that her logic didn’t hit me until later that night when I was home.

    I’m very sensitive to lagging on someone. I only lag in situation in which I am either involved or am affected. Otherwise, I let others dig their own grave.

    I’m quick to react instead of respond.

    I hope that helps.

    January 31, 2021 at 9:09 pm #373874
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ConfusedinCali:

    I will read and reply to you in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    February 1, 2021 at 7:48 am #373881
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ConfusedinCali:

    In the example you gave, a co-worker (I’ll refer to her as CW1) told you that she reported another co-worker (CW2) to the supervisor for something that CW2 did wrong. The moment you heard it, thoughts occurred in your brain, something like: it is wrong to tell someone in authority about something that a peer (someone in equal position) did, aka to rat on someone. What CW1 did was wrong!  Quickly, you felt anger at CW1, who you believed did something wrong, and you “immediately went to combative mode” and told her that she shouldn’t have gone to the supervisor.

    CW1 then explained to you that she reported CW2 for a safety issue (and therefore it was not the wrong thing to do), but “for some reason I wasn’t hearing it”, you wrote. You didn’t hear it because you were “hearing” your own thoughts over her words. You were moved by your anger, motivated to do what is right: to confront CW1 over the wrong that she did so to prevent such wrong in the future.

    “her logic didn’t hit me until later that night when I was home”- later, when you were tired, too tired to feel the anger that earlier kept you hearing your own thoughts over her words, you finally heard what she told you.

    Did I describe what happened accurately?

    If I did, then become aware of the process of hearing a person-> hearing your own thoughts over the voice of the person-> believing a wrong was done-> feeling angry-> fighting against that wrong.

    And resolve instead, to hear a person-> hear your own thoughts (it will happen automatically)-> notice that you are no longer hearing the person, notice any anger you may feel and what the anger is about (take a time out if you feel confused and return to the person later) -> re-focus on the person in front of you-> ask the person to repeat what she/he said and/or to explain what happened and her motivation.

    In the example you gave, if after hearing CW1, you still suspected that she did something that was wrong to do, you could ask her: wasn’t it wrong to get CW2 into trouble with the supervisor, shouldn’t we co-workers bond and not rat each other to the supervisor? Then listen to her answer and take it from there.

    In other words (1) instead of running with an assumption, check the assumption before you run. (2) if you are too confused and emotional to do so, take a break, calm down and return to the situation when you are ready to proceed.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by .
    February 1, 2021 at 12:21 pm #373895
    ConfusedinCali
    Participant

    CW1 is CW2’s indirect supervisor. I feel CW1 could have told CW2 to correct themselves before someone says something to them (meaning their direct supervisor). I see where Cw1 is coming from, but when CW1 told the supervisor, that supervisor ended up telling our manager. That’s what I really disagreed with. But that’s neither here nor there. But I see what Sup was doing which was covering their behind. Sup may still have spoken to CW2 but as to not keep the manager out of the loop, Sup let the manager know. But that’s neither here nor there.

    I’m going to start using the phrase, “Let me think on that” “Hmm” which I think will give me time to actual think on something before reacting so I may respond in a intellectual manner.

    Thank you Anita, for your assistance.

    February 1, 2021 at 12:34 pm #373896
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ConfusedinCali:

    You are welcome. According to the information you added, that CW1 is the indirect supervisor of CW2- it makes sense to me that (unless what CW2 did was horrific and presented a real and present danger to other people) CW1 should have suggested to CW2 to correct the particular behavior or practice instead of approaching the direct supervisor. Only if CW2 did not correct what she needed to correct, then it would  make sense to involve the direct supervisor.

    anita

    February 9, 2021 at 8:38 am #374370
    ConfusedinCali
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I wanted to update you on what has taken place with me. I’ve been learning to think before I speak and if I say something that may come off negative, I say it in a calmer tone and usually with one or two words as to not escalate anything unnecessarily. I also try to put a positive spin on what maybe conceived as negative.

    I’ll never stop voicing my opinion. I just need to learn how to voice it so it doesn’t come off negative or hostile for it makes for better resolutions in the end.

    February 9, 2021 at 8:52 am #374371
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ConfusedinCali:

    Your update has made my day: all that you wrote in it is perfectly rational and wise!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by .
    March 7, 2021 at 10:49 am #375730
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ConcusedinCali:

    How are you?

    anita

    April 1, 2021 at 12:20 pm #376925
    ConfusedinCali
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I apologize for the tremendously late reply.

    I’m doing good. My co-worker is still being a pain but I’ve decided to let that go. And once I let it go she no longer became a pain. Sometimes you have to let people fall on their own.

    As for myself, I’m doing OK.

    How are you doing? What’s your location? I’m in Northern California.

    April 1, 2021 at 12:51 pm #376927
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ConfusedinCali:

    Good to read that you were able to let go and that you are doing okay. I am fine, thank you. I live in the Pacific Northwest.

    anita

     

    April 2, 2021 at 9:53 am #377037
    Katie
    Participant

    “If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind.” ~Buddha

    I saw this and just had to comment. I have this hanging in my house (I have inspirational messages all over my home), and was wondering where I found it.  Now I know…this site.  I’ve said this many times to people who don’t think before they speak.  Words to live by!

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