Dear celest:

A bit of a summary of what you shared in your 3 short threads: you are 67 or 68, retired, divorced from a “narcissist/ alcoholic”  man who emotionally and verbally abused your daughter.  You had two knee replacement surgeries during 2020 or 2021, and in Feb 2022, you had a very painful bowel resection for diverticulitis (an inflammation or infection of the pouches formed in the colon). You described yourself as a Foodie who craves sweets. As far as exercise, you did water aerobics almost daily and you walked, earlier this year. You were also considering buying a bike and finding a part time job (Property Watch: watching homes while owners are away). You “like dogs more than people”, dislike loud people who dominate conversations, and you are very unhappy living with your recovered or recovering drug addicted daughter who made many poor choices a financially and emotionally exhausting experience for you. When she talks to you about the abuse she suffered from her father, you suffer regrets head spinning and feeling immobilized.

My input this  morning: reads like the Property Watch idea can give you the distance you need from your daughter while allowing her to still live in your home: any update on this?

More questions, if I may: how is your health, knees and colon and otherwise? How is your eating and exercise going?

And another question before I can give you more advice: what did you tell your daughter over the years in regard to the abuse she suffered from her father while you were married to him, did she attend therapy for it (and did you pay for it)? And otherwise, how did you try to make it up to her for.. perhaps (?) allowing the abuse to take place while she was a minor?

anita

Dear celeste:

I think that it is a  good idea that you tell your daughter (firmly but kindly) to no longer talk to you about her father, because it activates your trauma in regard to him, and it is of no benefit to her. I am sure that your daughter talked about you and her father to counselors in the drug addiction treatment programs she attended, and I hope that she still attends some counseling!

Good news is that she started a job today, congratulations to her!  I think that you can start downsizing (if you haven’t so far), and that you downsize every day in preparation to sell the house. Preparing the house to be sold will take a long time, I imagine, enough time to mentally prepare your daughter to the sale, so that she can practically prepare herself as well: continue her job, save money for a move, etc.

anita