Hi Anita,

Wow.  Your last reply to me really hit a spot and it brought tears to my eyes.. and I sat on what you said for a while and let it all sink in. I guess I never saw it that way.. that his problem is so entrenched.. I always thought that it was a problem at the moment that he was facing with the sister’s divorce but it actually goes deeper than that. and yes, i cannot compete with the power parents have on their children.. and it makes so much sense about why he chose to avoid the pain of his parents’rejection rather than to seek pleasure in a relationship with me. I can see what our relationship was up against was something HUGE.

and then there this relief knowing that it was something close to impossible to compete with. for a long time I also struggled with wondering if I could have done more for him.. was there anything I could have done differently that would have changed our outcome.. and you putting his issues into perspective helped me to see the magnitude of his problem and how it goes waaaay back.. and how it is something that is beyond me to change.. and the serenity prayer (that I see you mention a few times on this forum) came to mind..

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

somehow knowing that this is something that is beyond me to change.. is very empowering and it reaffirmed my decision to surrender. cos there is nothing that is within my control to change. as much as I want to be there for him.. wishing that things can be different for him.. but this is his journey. and I can only be there for someone who allows me to. I have to accept that his situation is something I cannot change.

Yet the feeling of relief is mixed with sadness too. I feel this immense sadness too.. that he has to go through such pain and my heart aches for him. why does he have to go through this? It is like he is a good man and he is just trying his best to be a good son. but why do things have to be so difficult for him? I wish and wish that things can be different for him and that he can be in a happier place too. he deserves his own happiness and it is so unfair that he has to bear this burden.. such that he cannot even find his own happiness. why is his happiness compromised?

I feel so so helpless in the face of his sufferings.

And I guess all I can do now is to send light and love to him through the universe and hope that things will turn out better for him somehow. and I will also keep the faith (no matter how small the hope may be), that if it is meant to be, that one day he may be able to resolve all these issues and who knows, we may have a real shot.

(Btw, I really wanna say that Anita, you are such a blessing to have on this forum! your perceptiveness of situations is really amazing and I appreciate your replies! I have also learnt so much from reading your replies to other people on this forum as well. Thank you :))

Hi Anita,

Thanks for the reminder to have compassion for myself too as I am going through pain as well. Sometimes I forget about my own pain when I am focused on his pain. It is good for me to be mindful of my own pain too and tend to myself too.

Yes, unfortunately there is this pain that we have to endure with all the suffering that is going on. What I do is to sit with this pain and sadness and just cry as much as I want until I feel like the pain has been released through my tears. If the sadness comes, I feel it and let it come. Other than that, I do yoga, exercises, painting and going out with my friends too. I dont try to numb the pain or to look for quick fixes. Is this what you mean by enduring the pain and not looking for solutions?

And I guess the part about “In the desperation to get rid of pain people rush to “solutions” that create more problems and so, people dig greater holes for themselves, getting deeper and deeper into pain and despair.” was what happened to my ex bf when he turned to gaming for solutions which got him into deeper pain and despair. Just thought it also applied to how he handled things.

Hi Anita,

Thanks for highlighting the potential “trap” for myself there – “overly investing time and energy waiting for people to change and trying to change people and established dynamics” that I may have missed if you did not point it out. Couldnt help but smile when I saw how you have inserted it in so aptly and once again, resonated with me. I am very aware of the overdoing of drugs, eating, drinking, exercising etc and I steer away from those but it did not occur to me the bit about overly investing time and energy waiting.

After speaking to you, I did feel this paradigm shift in my thinking and I have stopped wondering whether to reach out to him. And yes that fear he has is powerful and he is driven to occupy that role and it is something that I cannot change. I agree that “surrender” is the better choice and I feel lighter after deciding to surrender. I felt more in control of my own life and I do not spend as much time ruminating about the relationship.

I suppose on some level I still feel this sense of loyalty to him. When we broke up, he said something along the lines of he knows I will be happier without him in the long run and thus he rather let me go rather than for me to suffer with him. In the beginning stages of the breakup, I felt that I wanted to prove him wrong that hey, I am not happier without him, that I’d rather be with him even if it means to suffer with him. But as time goes by, I also recognised that while he was definitely a huge source of my happiness (and the happiness he gave me was special and different) but my entire happiness is not dependent on him and it should not be. So slowly, bit by bit, I found my own happiness and my footing on my own again. And the thoughts of proving him wrong disappeared and I felt comfortable being happy again.

From time to time, I do feel this guilt whether I am adding on to his suffering in some way when I am happy? I have been trying to figure out where this is coming from. I know it does not make much sense rationally but I think the logic sequence in my head goes this way: when I am happy without him, it affirms his thinking that it is right for me to be without him and that may add on to his regrets and suffering in the way he may feel further that he did not deserve me and that he is not worthy and then beating himself up for letting me go kind of thing. I do not want to be a regret in his life and another source of suffering. So.. still working out this part but I feel it will work out soon with this paradigm shift I just had with regards to surrendering.

But I also feel I am not putting my life on hold for him – I am still doing a lot of self-enrichment, finding activities that I enjoy, excelling at my work, finding my own happiness and making travel plans. And I also told myself if there are opportunities to know other people, I would not pass on the chance. So while on some level, I am holding space for him in the way I have described above but I am also not letting it be so huge that I am not moving forward.

Although I also fear that I am overly investing my time and energy waiting for him and I would ultimately hope to fully surrender.

What are your thoughts on my guilt and this sense of loyalty towards him?

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your validation on the rationality and sensibility of my posts! Which I guess also gave me the experience of what you described as the validation by the therapist (although I know you are not my therapist and this is not a psychotherapy relationship). And I can see how it may possibly make him feel better when he knows that he made the right decision and that I am happier now.

And I am thankful that you opened this other way of thinking which I have tried it out and through this practice, it created other pathways of thinking too. I do not feel as fixed on that thinking that if I am happy, it reinforces his misery and suffering. Cos there are other ways of thinking about it.

Other pathways of my thoughts now:

– It would be a load off his mind that he does not need to worry about me or feel like he ruined my life.

– If I love someone, I would be happy to see them happy too. So I also think about how I feel when I see he is out with friends. I also feel happy that at least he has his friends for support even though it is mixed with some wistfulness. So end of the day, he will probably feel happy for me too that I am living life.

– Even if he does really feel miserable, it may not be a bad thing too. It could work in the way that he may feel motivated to do something about his situation.

– Or maybe if he sees that I am happy, it may spur him to want to match up or in some day inspire him to do something different.

etc etc

And I guess end of the day, like you said these are things that are out of my control too. I cannot predict how he feel and even if I know how he feels, we all deal with these feelings differently. It could turn either way and there are too many possibilities of what can be happening when he sees that I am happier now and there is no point in predicting how he feel and then adjust my life accordingly.

I can only be happy for my own sake and just focus on what I can do for myself now. And that would reinforce my feelings of being resourceful, competent and in control 🙂 I will also be mindful of the traps that you have detailed out too.

About the origin of the guilt, I think I do have some inkling myself where it came from. Id just share even though you said perhaps for another time to look into.

1) Childhood

Since young, I think there was the subtle message that my needs are not as important as my siblings. I would often be told to give in to them and make do with what I have. This is to avoid conflict and just make things easier for my parents to manage. Thus I grew up with the thinking that it is wrong to fulfil my own needs and others’ needs are more important. Luckily for me though, as we grew up, my siblings and I matured and we are very loving towards each other now. Thus, that pattern of me having to sacrifice my needs has not been perpetuated till adulthood.

(I guess this is also why I see parallels between me and my ex-bf’s situation just that unfortunately his case is perpetuated till today and he is still stuck in that cycle with more serious repercussions.)

But in any case, the damage was done in that for a long time I lived with the mentality that my needs are not as important and it took me a while through therapy to realise this and to accept that my needs are important too.

I guess in this case, the guilt may originate from me fulfilling my own needs now and it does not feel right. My ex-bf is someone I love dearly and he felt like family. So probably in some way I felt like I am fulfilling my needs and neglecting his which results in the guilt. It feels selfish of me to do so.

2) When my mother had cancer

Another origin could possibly be that my mother had cancer and she passed away a few years back. Through her battle, I experienced this sense of helplessness that I could not alleviate her suffering.  I always wish that I could have done more for her when she was suffering. I suppose with my ex-bf, the feeling of helplessness is re-experienced and I also similarly wonder if there is more that I could do now to alleviate his suffering.

But I guess I also realised in this case, not doing anything is probably doing something for him. And his suffering is not for me to alleviate and it is his own journey.