Hey all,

I’m brand new to these forums after asking sage depository of knowledge Google, “why have my feelings suddenly changed,” and coming across this particular thread: https://tinybuddha.com/topic/i-just-randomly-and-suddenly-fell-out-of-love/

While I can relate closely to many of the posts there, I thought it better to start a new topic, considering the age of the original.

Anyhow, some background about my relationship:

I met my now partner in July of last year on a first date (OkC+members of a mutual Discord server), meaning we’ve been dating about 6 months now. Our relationship has been positive, fulfilling and fun for the duration. If I had to give an honest assessment of how we interact as a couple, I’d say that while our “chemistry” is simply okay, our compatibility is very high. In fact, I’ve never dated anyone with whom my values and even politics are so aligned. We also naturally share many of the same interests and hobbies and have effortlessly, organically taken up and enjoyed myriad activities together. We come from somewhat similar backgrounds, have had many similar experiences and have similarly unique identities that allow for us to relate on a level that I couldn’t with most other people. The negatives: thus far our sex life is lack luster, though he is eager and willing to improve this with me and learn/practice how to better satisfy one another. Secondly, he can be a bit reserved and distanced from his emotions, partly just because of personality but also because of some pretty serious trauma he experienced in early childhood (which I should add also affects his sexual being). Lastly, I feel that, despite our mutual respect, understanding and comfort with one another, there persists a sort of excessive courteousness between us that can make it feel like there’s still a distance or lack of full presence with each other.

For most of our relationship, I’ve experienced a warm, caring comfort with him that’s previously been unknown to me. His attentiveness surpasses, in many ways, those of any partner I’ve ever had. He’s accepting and understanding, even when I approach him with difficult or nerve-racking subjects. All in all, things have been pretty great and just felt right between us. I’ve seen real long-term potential for our relationship and have even considered bringing up the possibility of moving in together.

And now to get to the current situation:

I live in the Mid-Atlantic region of the US but grew up in West South Central (TX), where my family still lives and whom I fly down to visit after holiday season. I invited my partner to join me on the trip but due to financial, job and family reasons he wasn’t able to. I was sad not to be spending my holiday vacation together but made in effort to be back in time to spend NYE together. I had a good trip, made some repairs to my relationship with my mother, feeling closer to her as a result and enjoyed the company of dad and brother. Of course, I bragged about my boyfriend to them, and due to lots of wedding talk between my brother and his fiancé, even considered my own prospect of marriage.

The thing is, when I returned from my trip, I quickly realized I was now experiencing a distance and lack of connection between my partner and I. I’m a pretty emotional person, and when something hits, it can really take over and occupy most or all of my mental space. I’ve since had this nagging feeling that something is off and a subsequent urge to end our relationship. My emotions have been all over the place but marked principally by intense anxiety, depression and a dark, heavy feeling. Dread is pervasive and I’m unable to enjoy much of anything, or even to get mind off the subject.

If I could, I’d wave a wand and return to the way I felt toward my partner before our trip. I’d love nothing more than to bring back those joyous feeling of warmth and affection and continue building a relationship together. I don’t know if my mind/body will let me. Because I didn’t see any other way around it, I’ve shared most of these thoughts/feeling with my partner, which has understandably left him feeling shitty and unwanted.

Some additional dating history of note: this feeling isn’t new to me. It’s been an occurrence in every single adult relationship I’ve ever been a part of. The only relationships where this wasn’t an issue were way back in high school, where I mostly had my heart broken. Since then, however, my relationships have been marked by feeling really invested and into a person, then having my feelings quickly change, experiencing a need to flee, escape, be alone and then me either ending the relationship or going through a prolonged, painful back and forth in my desire for the person. I’ve never had a happy, smooth, content relationship absent of me feeling the need to leave.

I’m familiar with attachment styles and more or less figure mine is anxious-avoidance. When I was younger, I think it was defined more by anxious attachment, since getting older there’s a lot more avoidance going on. It’s a problem I’ve found no solution to, and is quite truly, the most painful, unwanted aspect of my entire existence to date. It’s created so much strife and pain for everyone involved.

So here I am, once again struggling between a drive to leave my partner or to soldier through, hoping I can “fix” or return to a happy, loving state with him. I know no one outside myself can give me the answers, but I would nonetheless love some discussion, advice or simply the company of anyone who can relate.

Thanks for reading!
Laine