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Success and behavioral change

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  • March 1, 2014 at 9:22 am #52056
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    This is related to someone who used to be a dear friend of mine. She and i lived together for a year. Despite her rather eccentric ways, i always knew she was good at heart and a kind person. Anyway, she graduated and got a fancy job, moved to another city. I had my final college year left. Since then, i started seeing subtle changes in her behaviour. I know thats perfectly normal when someone moves into a new life. However, over the months, as she became more and more involved, i felt neglected. I admit i was adjusting poorly to my life and badly needed some support. Anyway, she really hurt me when i told her i was suicidal and she gave me 15 mins of “oh i am sorry” and then never contacted me again. It felt like a slap on the face from someone i considered a best friend.

    Anyway, over the months, she continued to ignore me and kept apologizing, promising to reply to my texts sometimes, atleast call back (she never calls back). But she has all the time in the world to reply to other people on facebook. I wondered if i had done anything to offend her so profoundly. It turned out that she had been treating another close friend the same crappy way as well…Our complaints were exactly the same! It turns out that she hardly even calls her family much.

    I called her up after 9 months and told her that i accepted her ways. I dont expect anything from her and neither can we expect the friendship to be that way again. As expected, her bouts of being a jerk continued after that. I dont care though…

    What fascinates me is how a person can be so two-faced? In front of others, she is this very gregarious, lively and multi-talented, high-functional and social type. But i have seen on many occasions how inconsiderate she is towards people closest to her. She will be heavily involved in social work and keep telling others, but if her friend is dying or is sick, she is least bothered. She posts her life updates on facebook but has no time to reply to people whom she claims matters to her..

    How can one reconcile this contradiction on a psychological level?

    March 1, 2014 at 11:04 pm #52063
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Since I don’t know your friend, it’s impossible to assess her accurately. However, there are couple of things you should be aware of people in general. One is the need to appear strong and successful, and avoid appearing weak and a failure. Another is emotional immaturity, which means the inability to cope with the fact that it’s not that black and white.

    Appearances are never the whole story. In my opinion, one does not have yo be terribly skeptical about everything people say, but it is a good idea to take it with a grain of salt and to put it in perspective. I know plenty of people who want to join in on different causes and go through the motions of caring and helping others, but don’t actually have the capacity to truly open up and offer support to another human being. People have difficulty giving attention to another person for a prolonged time. It’s more important to update Facebook status about being out with friends than to actually focus on the friends they are with 🙂 Appearances matter more tyan substance.

    There is no actual contradiction. It just seems so to you, because you take her behavior for face value. You’d have to see deeper into her fears and motivation to understand the pattern.

    While I haven’t yet read the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, I have looked into it and two of the agreements are “don’t take anything personally” and “don’t make assumptions”. I’m sure it hurts to lose a friend, but even if it is a personal relationship, try not to take her actions personally, because ultimately it is about her and not about you. She might only be ready for a very superficial connection. It is your choice whether you are OK with that or if you’d rather spend your energy on other people (or yourself!) Her journey is different to yours. Focus on your journey and definitely take care of yourself regardless of other people’s actions.

    March 1, 2014 at 11:45 pm #52064
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    @ The Ruminant-

    A long time ago, i was hurt and angry but i do realize that i can choose to not be that way.

    I appreciate what you gotta say and i am not angry at her anymore. You do have a point. She might be at a phase in her life when she is only ready for superficial connection. That is unfortunately not in line with my core values towards close friends. I cant post photos of people on facebook and actually ignore them like that month, after months. She has changed and i think actions speak louder than words. I guess i will tell myself that now i need to view her as just another friend, without the whole history of bad dealings.

    But yeah, its time to really move on.

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