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Stupid much..?

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  • December 24, 2014 at 5:17 pm #69779
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Where do I Start?
    I am a 21 year old loser who nearly 4 months ago decided to move away to Germany in a desperate attempt to try and make something of myself. Leaving behind my sister, friends and other family. I came to Germany searching for a way to get into college, maybe actually Start a career since I never got the Chance before. I lived most my life after finishing School at the age of 16 working and fending for myself after returning to the United States at the age of 17 a week before turning 18. I struggled a bit after moving out and since then I have become extremely dependent in my friends. Always having them around made me happy and at peace with my hectic life.

    What does this have to do with my current love struggle here in Germany?

    I arrived in Germany the 2nd oft September this year. Heartbroken and lonely. The inability to See my friends and be able to enter that world of distraction and laughter that my friends gave me set me off back into a small depression.. I would turn 21 the next month as well; and with these friends had planned so many things for that day. The month after; Thanksgiving, and now; Christmas. The struggle had just begun.

    The day of my birthday, I met a boy who I knew from the Moment I saw him that I at some point in time would like him. His smile was the first thing I Fell for. After that; I realized that everytime he would come over, I would love being around him more and more… Then one day; in a move he had waited downstairs with me and stole a kiss from, and since then him and I had been seeing each other behind my aunt’s back until the 22nd of November. When after a huge jealous attack hit me, I crawled back to him and confessed how I felt and asked him to date me. He accepted. The day after that; he spoke with my aunt, like the gentleman I believed him to be, and told her about US. It was shocking for me. A few days later he disappeared… For a day and I paniced. I suffer Form anxiety and it has been ages since I had suffered an attack but I did after he tried killing himself sometime after I found him. After that was all settled, I found it extremely hard to believe him. I started doubting him.. Because I had heard he was with another Person while he was hiding. It killed me, I have never been the jealous type, ever. But after that, my jealousy began to rage in ways I never knew they could.

    Now, a few days ago; I got mad at him in a drunk Moment I had for an early Christmas reunion.. I regretted it the second I walked away from him. I realize now that I am very insecure, and I couldn’t help but tell him things I did not mean. Now, he is mad at me. I gave him a second Chance once, because I believe we all deserve it. But I think he won’t give it to me… I honestly believe I Fell in love with him. I am currently in Switzerland and won’t return for a few days to Germany, and I believe the Next time I See him, might be my last… And I am terrified. What should I do? I have been hurt by him, but I don’t care about that anymore. I just want him to know I love him and I want to remain by his side. I am scared because he is the only Person I have trusted and cared about as much as a normal friend. And I am just scared to be alone again… Anyone have anything they can help me with here?

    December 25, 2014 at 4:07 am #69793
    Vhanon
    Participant

    Hi Runedalavince,

    I’m not sure, but I have the feeling you are not experiencing love, you just feel lonely and it looks like he is the closest connection you have at the moment. So it is natural for you to feel kind of an attraction toward him. Yet you cannot deny that there is a big issue of trust, which needs to be solved. However, as I can see you are both unstable, you are anxious, he seems avoidant. It looks very difficult you can handle this on your own. You’ll leave a stressful life until he does enough to prove you that he is worth of trust again, on the converse he may feel stressed because of your needs and expectations. It is a very difficult path, I believe you need someone else, a friend or therapist that may reassure you along the way. Actually you may find out that the new friends are all you need.
    So, he has been untrustworthy and you surely deserve someone more respectful. Do you really want him after what he has done, or do you want an idealized image of him, as gentleman you thought he was? If the answer is the second, know that’s not him at the moment, and may never be him. Maybe you can ask him to not do something like that in the future, but you have also to forgive what he has in the past. Can you forgive and give a new chance like it was the first time? Are you ready to handle a second disappointment if he does not respect his words? (I believe you are not since you are so alone now)
    Can’t you think that you may find a new person someone more reliable who you can be in a new relationship with? I’m sure you can find many other friends in the workplace or the place you use to visit in Germany. Can’t your aunt introduce to anybody?
    Did you really spend so much time with that man, that you cannot possibly find those same feelings for somebody else? After he was not the man you thought he was, so once again it’s not him you are missing but the idealized image of him you had.

    December 28, 2014 at 12:09 pm #69892
    Vhanon
    Participant

    Hi Runedelavince,

    I assure you it was nothing personal and I did not aim to cast a bad light on you, we are all in anonymity here.
    Nevertheless, I did not say that you as a person needed a therapist, but I said that you two as a couple needed a therapist.
    If you really can forgive and forget, and can trust him again, then it is really fine. Tough, it is not the best thing to remain with him no matter what he does.
    So my advice is the following: try to send him a message and explain to him that you are sorry you walked away from him, explain that it was your reaction because of the previous disappointment. Tell him that you thought about it and you are willing to forgive and forget and start anew. Tell him you are going to handle your future anxious reactions a little better. Tough, try to not stay with him if he does not acknowledge his shortcomings as well. If he does not answer to your reply move on. If he disappoints you again, as you said, move on.

    One further advice for handling your anxiety: think that he is a man, a creature of the world. He is driven by many instincts you have no power to control, he may some rationality, agree with you on something, but later he may change his mind. He is not a kid, so you cannot blame him, he is free in the constraints of the laws. Embrace his freedom, embrace his instincts, accept him for whatever he does. He cares for you one day? Be thankful and glad. He stays with somebody else the next day? Give him your blesses either hope he may return or move on. Love him for everything he is, as colorful blinking star in the ever-moving infinity of the sky.

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