Thank you again Anita for your continued input. I really appreciate it! My apologies for the late response (again). I have only just read this, partly because I didn’t feel I had the mental strength to approach this while being at work. Now I’m off work for 3 days I continue to tackle my problems.

You wrote that your mother was secretive, that fits with what I remember that you shared (and I hope my memory is accurate here, let me know), that your mother used to say often that there is only one of her. You wrote that you didn’t know what she meant. I think she meant that there was no one quite on her side, that it was her against the world, although she may have been referring in part to your father not helping enough with parenting)

Yes. This resonates with me. She would often claim that no one was on her side (2vs1). And she definitely carried the attitude “me against the world”, she wasn’t very positive. Whilst she was right, that my father did indeed have it easy in comparison, I had never thought about the implications of what that actually meant. When I think back to the life she must have had before children, I can see now that she may well have resented the difficult challenge of raising two children on her own.  She was an Air-Stewardess and therefore got to travel the world, back when Aviation was glamorous, layovers in exotic locations, per diem allowances for being away from home etc. She stopped once becoming pregnant with me, and never went back to work until I was about 16, where she enrolled as a mature student to get a degree and start her teaching placements. Possibly the constant arguments were her way of venting her frustration at how her life had irreversibly changed.

Your idea that my sister has a healthier sense of self, and therefore better relationships with people because she was able to leave home and receive validation for her decision is interesting. It is something I would like to think about/discuss more in time. Especially in the context of my situation, and the fact I didn’t “rebel” in this way. When I spoke with my sister several weeks back (based on previous posts mentioned), I was struck by how “grown up”/matured she seemed. She has always been my little sister, and I guess I have always dismissed her as a “silly naive child” , but after hearing her speak, I can see she has a good sense of who she is, and seems to be at peace with herself. Complete opposite of me! One thing I might add on this topic is that she is quite close with Dad, of which I am not. They became much closer after Mum passed.

At the same time that you establish in no uncertain terms that you were Selfish, you also established that your mother was a Saint: “My mum has always been a saint in  my eyes”. So what we have here is a Saint mother and a Selfish son-

– a complete departure from Reality. As a child you were innocent, she was guilty. She was selfish, not you.

Agreed. She was not a saint. But it is hard for me to fully agree with above as I do not remember the vicious arguments as a young child. I have fond memories of growing up, cycling together as a family, spending time at mutual friends houses as a family, laughing.. Whereas this seems to stop when I hit about 12-13. My sister agrees with me on this, she has fond memories of our primary school, but things drastically changed when we went to secondary school.

This intense emotional suffering, having been removed from your awareness in the context of you-your mother,gets  activated in the context of your relationships with women. It is that suffering that eats into you until you can’t endure it and you run away, “as soon as I sense they are ‘into me’, I feel an overwhelming sensation to stop all contact… The longer I go without breaking off contact, the more it ‘eats into me’”.Isn’t it interesting, and fortunate for your sister, that she was able to run away from your mother once and stay away, no longer needing to run away, but you did not run away from your mother but you keep running away from women, again and again.You wrote that you would love  to “quit playing these silly fames” with women. You are not playing silly games, you are running away from an insufferable emotional experience of living with your mother for nineteen years.

Above is very interesting. I want this to be true because I feel it is an important step on the road to healing. But the truth is, I just don’t know still. I am still confused how the “sensing they are into me” part is linked with the instant feeling of wanting to run away. It’s difficult for me to get my head around this. The fact I can go on for months and feel content/even happy with pursuing someone as long as I don’t sense they are “into me”. As long as they are the cold/distant type, I continue to focus on them without these horrible feelings. I hate the fact that in reality, these women are likely seeing other men/keeping their options open, and are clearly not “worthy” of my attention, yet these are the types of people who I will pursue. I tried recently talking to someone I had just met about the situation. They thought it was interesting that the “red flags” cold/distant women send actually happen to be the very things that cause me to chase them. When actually, most other people would take these “red flags” as a sign they are not worthy. After all, why would you want to seriously date someone who you potentially think is seeing someone else ? It just doesn’t make sense. When they told me this, it did strike me as odd that I feel this way.

Regarding you seeing women as “‘unworthy’, then purely use them for sex/ casual fun, or consider them ‘worthy/dateable’ then struggle enormously to end contact”, I think that the man that you became found a solution of sorts: how to have fun with women and not suffer. You found a group of women with whom you can take a break from suffering  and have some fun. Hopefully, with healing, this solution will no longer be necessary.

This makes sense to me. I guess it is my coping mechanism, my safety net to enjoy natural urges of being a man, without having too encounter the difficulties I experience with “dateable” women.

Anita,

I am yet to find any posts of yours in other threads that I haven’t agreed with. The advice you’ve given to others has resonated with me. With other threads, it is clear for me to have an opinion, I guess because of my lack of involvement, I can think critically. But in my thread here, I find myself challenging your input, likely because I am heavily involved and cannot think critically. Logic would therefore dictate that it is my own inherent bias that is preventing me from moving forward, for the incite you give is surely consistent amongst all threads. That I can see, and is evident from your many posts on this forum. I apologise if you ever feel I am playing devil’s advocate. It is my own way of rationalising, and I find it helpful to counter the points you’ve made as it allows me to fully dissect the crux of the matter. Each time you’ve responded with helpful feedback and I can confidently speak for a number of lost souls on this site, we are lucky to have you here. Thank you.

My sister became closer with my father soon after mum passed away, she would have been 16, me 19. As soon as I finished university, I left for a year to go travelling the world. It turns out my sister felt very alone, and in this period she became much closer to our father, which is understandable to me. I do wonder if reconciling my relationship with Dad would help me heal. We were never close, partly because I always felt like he didn’t enjoy our company on the fortnights we shared growing up. I have never told him how I feel. Perhaps I will, I would like to know how things were between him and and Mum, especially as both myself and sister’s memory isn’t the greatest.

It may very well be that your sister hasn’t seen your mother as a Saint, not for a long, long time and so, she saw Reality better than you did, accepting it with some calm, and that does lead to better mental health.

She knew enough that she needed to move out from home. When she explained it to me in person during our heart-to-heart, she said that her wellbeing was at stake. So I think you’re right, she must have known and accepted that Mum was not a saint. I don’t think I could have ever moved out from home if it wasn’t for a natural excuse like university. I guess this is denial. I always felt like I had to protect mum’s image. I have never shared with anyone the frequency/intensity of the arguments we had growing up at home, until now.

-it makes sense to me: if a woman is cold, distant, may be seeing someone else and is not into-you, then you are safe from being stuck, or trapped with her. You do remember the arguments with your mother, you described here on your thread very distressing times with your mother. You don’t want that trapped experience again.

Bingo! I don’t know why I didn’t see this before. This explains why I get cold feet as soon as I sense they are into me, I don’t want to be trapped again.

I would like to explore my compulsion to “get them into me”. I really put a lot of effort in, and only to throw it all away as soon as I get it! I wonder if this drive, (obsession with wooing them to show me they like me) is somehow connected to Mum’s death also. It has been suggested to me in the past that I am attempting to replicate another relationship with my Mum. Which  of course is weird. I don’t even know what this actually means either. But it is odd how I work so hard to get shown they like me, to then just run away soon after. Always rushing in, have never gotten to know anyone. I call it “push/pull’ because it’s one extreme to another, and have barely got to know the person the meantime.

I am looking for a local counsellor to discuss things with. I aim to attend 1-2 times per week. You have shown me that my memories of childhood are hazy at best. I think it’s therefore a good place to start , but worry about how I am going to implement change in my life.  I am not going to ask a trivial question of how long this will take. But I would like to know what actions I can take that will maximise my chance of healing.  I want to resolve this, to enter into a relationship for the right reason and feel connected with my inner self.

Separately, I came across this video on Youtube. It is interesting and describes some of the symptoms I suffer. It led me to believe that my experience with women are nothing more than a “distraction” to help me avoid the fear/pain I am suffering.