Things have gone to shit in my life and I feel like I have lost myself and my will exist. I find it hard to describe. I was deeply depressed a few years ago, and have struggled with it since, and even then I didn’t loose myself. I feel like it’s all falling apart. Where to even begin. It has been a rough couple of years for my family and myself. Maybe the fact that my mental health is better, but my life has gotten worse has made me feel trapped and unhappy.

I don’t have a degree, my depression hit in the middle of my master thesis and felt like I had to abandon it. I feel no desire to finish it now, years later, because I have since realized that it’s not really what I want. I chose it much because I felt like I had to. I mean I like it but maybe not for a career. I come from a family that sort of looked down on what I wanted to do (writing and journalism), so I took the second-best option (horticulture and biology). Finding a job is hard in my country in general and I feel stuck, feeling forced to continue looking for jobs and working with something I don’t want, and unable to do what I truly want (much because they most likely won’t choose someone that doesn’t have a degree in the subject). I have never liked a job, generally feeling like they don’t do anything for me or mankind at large. I feel like my life has no meaning.

My family used to be my only safety-net, but I have recently realized that we have an unhealthy codependency. My brother has had health issues since his teens and everything has centered around him. Our relationship has generally been good, me being the oldest and willing to do anything for him, but a month ago our relationship soured because he got violent with me. It wrenched opened my eyes painfully and I can now see the unhealthy loop we are all stuck in; where my brother has all the power, which he uses to manipulate and drag us down in his misery. Among other things it has severely impacted my parents’ marriage. He is miserable, and it’s hard but he refuses psychiatric help because he looks down on people who seek help (much thanks to my old-fashioned dad). I love my brother, but I don’t like him anymore. I’m isolated with my miserable family and I live far from any friends. I don’t know how to get out. I’m stuck in this shitty loop of hopelessness, no money, no friends and now I no longer have any safety. I recently got just one month of work, work that I don’t want but felt forced to take. So now my anxiety is off the roof again. I just want out.

Anything?

/Suki