Home→Forums→Relationships→Stuck btwn a rock and a hard place
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Anonymous.
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April 26, 2017 at 6:47 pm #146901
CraigParticipantDear Wanderlust,
This came across to me as you both were giving each other mixed messages. Since you’re the one who posted, I am (obviously) addressing you.
If you choose to end it with him, you don’t need his approval or cooperation.
If you want a more committed, more involved relationship, you can do your part, but you can’t do HIS part. How long you wait to see if he will deepen his commitment to you depends totally on you. How long are you willing to wait? Can you identify some milestones that are concrete measures of commitment? Something like both agreeing to Skype once a week, see each other once a month, for 6 months, and then take it from there? The specifics are something you would have to come up with, but the idea is not to go on and on without some movement.
Craig
April 26, 2017 at 7:53 pm #146905
Wanderlust16ParticipantHi Craig,
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and respond. I cannot identify any milestones that are concrete measure of commitment and this is the reason I want to stop. Most of our trips were pretty last minute (two months before departure). After this last trip I asked if I could visit him ( in a few months). His response was let’s not think about it. He could have a wife by then. This was what he told me after every trip (different excuses). But when it came down to it, he missed me. During our separation he made sure I didn’t forget him. He sent me cards via post. When I closed my email account in order to move on, he contacted me through work. He didn’t want a relationship but he didn’t want to let go, just like what he is doing now. He got overwhelmed and goes to his man cave. I don’t like the instability and I do not see him willing to commit. Your prospective help steer me in the right direction. Thank you again.
April 27, 2017 at 8:10 am #146961
AnonymousGuestDear Wanderlust:
The title of your thread, stuck between a rock and a hard place: the rock is a mutual declaration of a committed relationship while the Hard-place is occasional get-togethers during trips and sometimes contact in between?
And you are interested in the Rock, correct?
anita
April 27, 2017 at 1:42 pm #147035CraigParticipantWanderlust,
You’re welcome. You can change you. Go for it!
Craig
April 27, 2017 at 9:24 pm #147081Wanderlust16ParticipantAnita,
I know the Rock is not possible by the fact that he got uncomfortable every time we were about to engage in a serious discussion and the fact that he replied to my email and ended with I will write you soon and still have not written in over two weeks. In other word, the emotions are too overwhelming and he doesn’t want to deal with it because he knows the outcome is not good. It would take huge sacrifice for both of us to carry on a LDR and even bigger sacrifices for one of us to relocate. He’s not up for that. After this holiday I don’t want to go back to the hard place and I don’t think he does either. The separation is too traumatic.
My male friend advised me to talk to him. We’re at a crossroad and a decision needs to be made – together or individually. Since he has not reached out I feel that since we both accepted the risks involved, we deal with the aftermath on our own. That is probably what he is doing. In this case, the Rock is actually whether to email him so that I can get closure or close my account and block him at work – the hard place. I’m going back and forth on it.
April 28, 2017 at 8:52 am #147119AnonymousGuestDear Wanderlust16:
Your thinking reads very clear and reasonable to me.
Reads to me that you are almost sure that this LDR needs to end. The Rock is for you to reach out to him for his input and if he agrees that this relationship is hopeless, then you will get closure because then you will be absolutely sure that the relationship needs to end. The hard place is to make the decision yourself and end it without his input.
My recommendation: send him an email and give him a certain amount of time to respond (state that in the email). Following his response (if it is that his position aligns with yours and the relationship needs to end), or following the amount of time you allow for his response, end the relationship and place it permanently in the past.
In that email, be honest, gentle, kind, so to give the slight possibility for the relationship all the chance you can give it, so that indeed you can get the closure you need. No anger, no pressure, no assumptions (letting him know your interpretations of his behavior, your beliefs about what he thinks and what he feels). Ask open ended questions, assume nothing, at least not in that email.
anita
April 29, 2017 at 10:39 am #147291Wanderlust16ParticipantAnita,
I decided to move on without confronting him about it despite my closed friends urging me to talk to him. In the past I was very quick to let him know if something bothered me. I am just not in the mood anymore. I am not sure if it is because I am tired of the hot and cold behavior or I have admitted defeat to the fact that I cannot make him do his part. Like Craig said I do not need his approval or cooperation to move on, therefore, I will do just that. My biggest battle right now is getting rid of the flashbacks flooding my mind. We had so great times and I wish I could bury those thoughts and focus on ‘now’. Thank you for reading.
April 29, 2017 at 10:57 am #147307AnonymousGuestDear Wanderust16:
Congratulations for making your decision. Regarding the “flashbacks flooding (your) mind… (of the) so great times”- better not try to get rid of them, do not resist them (“What you resist- persists”!)
When such memories/ emotions flood your mind, gently distract yourself with… hot tea/ bath, music, a walk outside, etc. Over time, those floods will turn to a light drizzle here and there, followed, over more time passing, by occasional memories with a tinge of emotion… followed by neutral memories as you will be busy with a more satisfying life.
anita
April 29, 2017 at 10:59 am #147309AnonymousGuest* didn’t submit properly…
April 30, 2017 at 2:36 pm #147441Wanderlust16ParticipantAnita,
I am trying to stay busy and fill my summer schedule with activities that I will enjoy. This experience has pushed me out of my comfort zone and engage in activities that I had in mind but was not motivated enough to pursue. Instead of sitting at home and feel sorry for myself I will channel my energy (disappointment, anger, sadness, confusion) to something positive. I will learn a new sport and check off another destination off my bucket list. If the Universe wants us to be together, we will and if not, I had some of the best holidays.
It amazes me the amount of time and dedication you devote to helping others in need. I wish from the bottom of my heart that the Universe takes cares of you the way you care for the others. Namaste.
April 30, 2017 at 8:40 pm #147473AnonymousGuestDear Wanderlust16:
Thank you for your kind words and good wishes! Hope you post again, anytime, and share your feelings, thoughts, and more about that wander lust.
anita
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