Dear alex:

I am familiar with the Indian arranged marriages culture through many threads on this website, many threads I read and people I communicated with, at length, on these threads.

The culture is of arranged marriage and heavy-duty family obligations, “Responsibilities” as you call them. You were raised to strongly believe that you are forever-responsible for your parents (and for siblings, depending on their/your situations). The loyalty of an adult, in the Indian culture, is not to his/her future children but to the parents. Many people in India, therefore, live double lives, being married and having relationships outside the marriage so to satisfy both: the parents and one’s need to choose and love.

I strongly suggest ending your marriage as soon as possible, definitely before having any children (so not to bring innocent life into a loveless marriage), and then, freeing yourself to choose for yourself.

But I know how strong beliefs instilled in us when we were children, beliefs the whole society stands for.

It is possible to change such beliefs but it takes a willingness and incredible strength to endure, day in and day out, the resulting guilt feelings, and familial and societal rejection. It may mean that if you chose… to choose who you are with, you may have to move away from family and from the society you are in.

anita

Alex there is hardly anything that I could possibly add to what Anita and Susannah have said, except that in your culture there are parents who treat their children as a commodity to be traded off, in this case, an arranged marriage, in order to pacify the parents beliefs, thus stripping you of your individuality. In other cultures, in the United States for example, the majority of the parents do not treat their children as a commodity. The exception being those who use their children to advance their selfish needs. These parents look forward to seeing their son/daughter grow up, get married, and have children. This approach allows for their inherent right to be an individual and to make their own decisions. I see you as an intelligent individual capable of making your own decisions because you respect your individuality. I absolutely concur with Anita and Susannah. I also recommend pursuing a divorce immediately, if in fact you do want to be with your fellow employee. You can paint the canvas however you wish. But whatever the end result, in the end, it is your painting. Should you choose not to pursue a divorce and not live the life with the other woman as you envision, my question to you sir is, who wins? Just as you envision the life you want with the other woman, you should also envision the results should you choose not to end your current marriage and try to maintain a relationship with this other woman. What you see in that vision should challenge you in your decision making. Did you ask to be born? No. Are you a commodity to be used as a pawn to be traded? Only in the eyes of the culture your parents subscribe to. Are you an individual capable of making your own decisions as you make your way on your journey in life? Only you can answer that. Personally I believe you are.