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Struggling with wanting it all to end

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  • May 21, 2013 at 7:57 pm #35942
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’m not sure if I should post this here, but I need help.

    My story is long, but I will try and make it sort. Abusive childhood, alcoholic father, getting kicked out of the house at 19, even though I was a good kid with good marks. Had to leave university because of lack of money and support – went back and got my degree. Family fighting continued until my mother’s death in 1997, when my abusive older brother took me to court to get all of my mother’s money, and I ended up bankrupt with nothing. Tried to bounce back, and then found myself dating a man who had a terrible addiction problem, who lied and broke promises and badmouthed me to his family and coworkers, and I finally broke down. I have tried for years to forgive, but anger and resentment has consumed me, and I am trying to get this ex-boyfriend out of my life.

    I am struggling. I have no family whatsoever. I have hidden in shame for years, since I am not working now and have nothing to show for the years of hard work I put in to building my life. I am clinically depressed, and have a serious anxiety disorder. I have gone to so much therapy I can’t see straight. But I can’t get past my past, and feel truly like a piece of garbage that can’t do anything right.

    Thoughts of suicide run through my head daily, and I can’t seem to stop them. I have tried to reach out to a few people for support, but find I am greeted with disdain, judgment and criticism. I am at the end of my rope.

    I thought I would give it one last chance to see if there is any compassion left in this world.

    I hope there is.

    May 21, 2013 at 10:56 pm #35952
    cindy
    Participant

    I am really sorry to hear all of your struggles.. you have been through so much.
    If you need someone to talk to I will be willing to listen.. maybe we can exchange e-mails?

    May 22, 2013 at 2:15 am #35960
    Kristi Kivi Frimpong
    Participant

    Hey Anonymous,

    First of all you are a gift to this world….you just can’t see it yet.

    I can relate to some of the things you write here, so I know, it’s the heavy past and shame that have dragged you down to depression and anxiety. It’s a lonely place to be.

    But please believe, it doesn’t have to be that way. You can change that. You can change and turn around your circumstances and the future and be happy.

    You deserve that.

    If you feel like e-mailing me and talking about it, then write to me on mindfuldiary@gmail.com

    big hugs,Kristi

    May 22, 2013 at 11:35 pm #36027
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I am actually the original poster of this message. I changed my user name, since the first one I chose felt too personal and it left me feeling exposed, so I changed it to something a bit more benign.

    Thank you to Cindy and Kristi. I so appreciate your kind comments. You’re right – where I am now is a lonely place, and I often feel that no one understands. I liked a previous poster, who talked about his friend who never gives advice, just listens patiently and gives validation and encouragement. THAT is what I could use right now. My brain is such a jumbled mess of emotions, I don’t know where to start. But I know I’m depleted, so any other bits of encouragement or kindness would be food for my soul right now.

    Thanks again.

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