Hello.

I know I’m in a relationship that is really not good for me and I don’t want to be in it.  It does have its positives but too many negatives.

The problem I have is every time I try to split with him I become quite isolated, there is no one else I can talk to. I have tried but I feel constantly betrayed.  There is just no support. A ‘friend’ is also friendly with him and even with all the issues she knows I’ve had with him (but I’ve withdrawn from her a lot) I feel she is not the friend I need around.  She needs to go out my life and I’m not bothered about that, but I am feeling slightly cornered.  I’m good about being on my own and I have been positioning myself to be equipped for this but I can see the usual recurring issues ahead if I can’t find a way around it.  The moment of weakness is when he trys to get in touch and I can see it on my phone (even though I block him) and then I phone when there is no one else to talk to.  There are a couple of people I do talk to on the phone but not people I feel connected with enough to tell them about my situation.  My friend has been a huge disappointment but I’m past that now.

I weaken and go back with him even though I know it’s not a good situation at all and I don’t want to be in it.  It’s strange because I would never have seen myself as being in this kind of position previously.  It’s an inner feeling of pulling me towards him but I don’t want to be with him.

The relationship offers nothing to grow and it’s hampering me moving forward.  There are other things I want to do and move forward (after some time out and healing) but I feel I can’t (I don’t have the head to space for it) because he is very needy and would have me with him all the time if he fully had his way.  I can’t be in his company and do my own thing, we always have to be doing things together.  I have questioned myself, is this me or him?

There has been no physical assault but it’s how he talks to me and has locked me in his house in the past and will not let me out.  The things he says verbally I find disgusting (nothing I want to write on here).  He does have good traits too and this is the problem.  I tend to try to get away from him when we have an argument but I feel guilty splitting when things seem good even though they are not good for me at all.  He does have a bad temperament and I do find myself not really being able to say what I want to say out of personal security.  Objects can go flying sometimes with him.

He is definitely toxic.  I can’t have conversation with him.  Disagreeing with him then apparently I’m being negative.  Some of his family are not good with me, I have no idea why but I suspect he says things about me that is not the whole story.  He says it the way he wants it to sound.  I just need/want away.

With the whole back and forth of splitting and getting back together there has been a shift in me mentally.  I’ve moved forward more in trying to get out but I feel I’m at the final hurdle.  If I bump into him outside, and he wants me to come to his and if I say no he visually gets agitated.  Then I’m dealing with it on my own as there is not anyone to talk to.

I just need someone else to talk to.  Someone sane.

I can be my own crutch but I’m lacking that extra crutch.