Dear Caroline:

I do hope you feel better soon. I am trying to understand the situation which is not clear to me. One contradiction is here, you wrote:

“I put in so much effort for him to prove I wanted this (a relationship with him)”

But then you also wrote:

“I tried to push him away, so many times, he kept convincing me to try”

– so which is it: did you do everything to show him you are serious about him as a boyfriend OR did you reject him repeatedly?

anita

Dear Caroline:

If a man said he wanted a relationship with me and refused to go out on dates with me, I would be very unhappy with that man. I wouldn’t like to accommodate him in my home, and I wouldn’t!

I am curious as to why he didn’t want to go out with you. He told you that it was because he was overweight, but that may be an excuse, isn’t it? And if so, what may be his real reason?

I am curious about why you weren’t in a relationship for 13 years (22-35)?

And then, why did you decide to have a relationship with a man who will not go out with you at all?

anita

Dear Caroline:

Well, you have some experience with relationships: with the father of your children and now, with this man. I suppose you can learn a few things from this recent very short and limited relationship. What you learn will serve you in the future.

From your the relationship with the father of your children you learned to make sure that a man is not abusive before you get into a relationship with him, so that you are not abused again. From the recent one you learned, did you not, that men don’t necessarily act the words they say, not necessarily walk their talk; that men/ people make promises that they don’t necessarily keep. And that trusting someone should follow knowing that person thoroughly and for a long time, in different contexts.

Do you agree, and are there other things you can learn from this last one?

anita

Dear Caroline:

It is a good thing that for as long as you are not skillful at evaluating men as trustworthy, that you continue to not have men in your children’s lives. If you are a good mother, I commend you for being a good mother and for protecting your children from potential abusive men and from men who do not keep their word.

Later, maybe, if and when you are ready, you can consider having a man in your life, using what you have learned, and so, to gather enough information about a man, learn over time if he keeps his word, if he keeps his promises- before you get too emotionally involved.

anita

I understand. And you are welcome, Caroline. Hope you post again. Best wishes to you and to your children.

anita