Hi Serena,

I’m sorry to hear that you are suffering. I am new, and still trying to wrap my head around some of these concepts that Buddhism teaches. I too place high value on what others thing or say about me. As I have been reading been and common sense tells us that this is not a good thing. I’m finding as I dig deeper into my deepest feelings and fears through meditation and mindfulness I find that there are some answers there. Continue to search for your answer, I’m sure it is within you, and if you need some guidance in the form of a book I recommend “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach. Plus, there are many good blogs on this site. I wish you peace.

Serena,

I’m sorry for the suffering you’re spinning with, and can understand why you’d be a little disconnected and apathetic. Consider that when we go through troubling experiences, especially injustices, our faith can be seriously challenged. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Perhaps you’ve lost a little trust in the stability or balance of things. You did well, made proper suggestions, and were blamed by a coworker that you even helped get a job. Then six months of divisive BS from others? How the heck is that fair! It makes sense that it would stick in your brain, especially considering your career (engineering/mechanical intelligence grows from the physical reliability of measures and functions). Here, the equation doesn’t seem to fit. Hard work+kindness+expertise is supposed to equate to positive recognition from peers.

The challenge is to see how it has nothing to do with you. Much like a seed planted into sand will not grow, our loving intentions and skillfulness don’t blossom when the conditions aren’t right. Said differently, those folks who blamed and judged and treated you poorly did so because of their own hangups and delusion. This is sad for them, because while you can leave and work for a different company, they can’t, because they carry it with them. Said differently, don’t bother fretting when sand yields no fruit, just move on.

As far as the knots inside, which in this moment prevent your happiness, I see a few things. First, consider the actual equation of the experience. You wanted positive regard from your peers, didn’t receive it, and feel crappy because of it. Its normal to have that desire, but it also has that consequence of being vulnerable to others’ delusions. On their side, they have “judgment” “aggression” “delusion”. Its normal to blame others for things that happen to us, such as a fire. It has a similar consequence of prevent the growth that comes from seeing things truly. For instance, as they just blamed you, they perhaps overlooked the procedures that could evolve to avoid future fires. In not issuing a public apology, they lost an insightful and skillful team member. So, their delusion came at a pretty hefty cost. Similarly, your vulnerability to criticism (grasping for peer recognition) had a similar cost.

Consider instead that we do our best to see the truth and be skillful with it. You saw the battery connector, and did your best to see it repaired. The rest of the happenings are only sticky because you let them be. You did well, and you know it. Their delusion turned to aggression, and as they threw it at you, you matched it with your own defensive aggression. Instead of seeing them as deluded, falsely attributing the fire to your work, and how limiting delusion is for growth, you made it about you. Which, of course, is perfectly normal to do. It really has nothing to do with you, or your new company, or the people you work with. It is about them and their delusion, their attachments, their suffering… specific people with histories and parents and hangups. On their side. When you can rest patiently with that, you’ll be free.

Also consider, if they would ignore the recommendations of a mechanic, which leads to a fire… why would you want their positive regard? They sound a little screwy to say the least. 🙂

Finally, consider taking up a metta meditation practice (search YouTube for “guided metta meditation” if interested). Much like an engine without oil overheats and seizes quickly, a body that doesn’t spend time resting with loving warmth inside it becomes spinny and restless. You’ve been through some difficult moments lately, dear sister, and spending a little time caring for yourself, being gentle with yourself, could go a long way to help you feel safe again.

With warmth,
Matt