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January 30, 2016 at 5:13 pm #94361
MattyParticipantHi all,
My name is Matty. I have been using tinybuddha for many years but never posted or signed up. I love this site. I should of done this earlier, but life’s funny that way. I currently attend university, i don’t have a job, I have friends who live in different countries and pursue different lives. I live at home with my parents and i turn 25 this year. I’m considered as a mature age student. I started part time when i was 21-22. I have seriously struggled to connect with people. I’m not awkward and i try my hardest to get to know other students and form bonds. Unfortunately, i do happen to look and carry myself in a certain way which more than likely does put me at a disadvantage. I’m a big frame, 6ft 3inches imposing force. Generally to make people at ease, i always sit down when speaking to people. I have been constantly referred to throughout my life as a ‘serious’ person. In fact a friend told me recently to relax, and stop being so serious. The kicker is, i’m not, i was taken a back, i thought i was just trying to concentrate on what she was saying, LOL. My mother has told me i’m similar to Dad, he has always been seen as being quiet and serious = people perceiving he is stuck up or above them. Which he is not, and i certainly don’t feel that way either. But people’s perceptions are always stronger than the truth. Which i can’t help but think maybe that’s why i don’t connect with others. I just have one of those faces that looks serious all the time. I’m actually quite a fun loving kind of guy. My family and extended family call me ‘panda’ because of my nature. I spent years changing my image, the way i dress, speak and act in public. But it just erodes my self-confidence because there is nothing wrong with me. So i have been being myself for the past year. Although i can speak to anyone, friend them on facebook, there is no deep connection. People use the word ‘friend’ liberally, i know what a friend is, i don’t have many. I’m not measuring my worth by how many friends i have, no sir, but i do measure it by the worth of such friendships. I love what i study and can talk about it all day, my hobbies and interests are all tied up into what i study. I finally found something i’m both good at and love.Is this a catch-22? I have joined clubs on campus, held study groups and went to lunch numerous times to establish ties. But it just feels like i’m buying their friendship, because i’m the only one with money usually.Because i’m not younger enough to share the same interests as the young students, who complain and talk about things that are truly irrelevant to anyone’s well being. Did i talk like that when i was straight out of school? But i’m also not old enough to be talking about settling down, house hunting, living abroad. I also have morals and values that seemingly arch back to a generation long forgotten, so i don’t know where i meant to fit in. I have tried (at school, yes this has been going on since high school) to go by myself, be in my own company. But i have been like this my whole like, alone. I have also tried making my own space where people try to connect with me, but it hasn’t worked as such. Yes i have an extremely small friendship group, but those friends live overseas now, and the ones i see regularly are older and moving on in life. Which i understand, of course. Life doesn’t revolve around me, i just wish someone was around for a bit longer.
My parents are very supportive of me and my choices, but the older i get the more my mother worries, she wants me to make friends, meet the girl and start to get some traction in life. She feels i’m missing out on vital life building experiences.I know this is what all parents want for their children. I understand this. I do so much by myself though, is it because i’m used to running solo, that in my deep subconscious if i get too close to others i sabotage the relationship? Why is it others can have large friendship groups, yet i struggle to form just one?
If anyone has been through something similar or has any wisdom on this matter i would greatly appreciate it. thank you so much.
TL;DR I struggle to fit in and connect with others.January 30, 2016 at 6:03 pm #94362
UNKNOWN FRIENDParticipantHey Mattey ,
Pleasure to meet you. Let me see If I can help. Someone once told me some of the most “real” people are also some of the lonliest and tend not to have big circles of friends. The older you grow friendship will be based on quality and not popularity. You have all the traits to make for a person who any person should feel privileged to call a friend. You are never as good or as bad as people say you are. You have a passion and open mind. If people assume you are serious , It’s not a bad thing at all. Try to smile in public more often , when greeting someone. Open ended questions.
People want to be talked too , you don’t need to “buy” friendships , as those people are there for all the wrong reasons.As for the pressure from your parents , just be kind to them and take things easy to not worry them . What I like about you is you are not afraid to try new things. Don’t follow the trends and stick to your values as you stated above. It gives a unique factor to who you are , another perspective someone who is equally open minded and non judgmental can learn from. Be an absolute gentleman at all time. Polite , clean cut , Good heart. Take care of your health , go to the gym. Nothing is more satisfying then knowing you are adding positive aspects to your life. The baby steps lead to natural confidence , hard work and effort will always pay off and give you a result. People gravitate to an “Image” of who they wish they were. Nothing wrong with being on your best mr.GQ , good values and kindness towards others. Be humble and know how to laugh at yourself and not take it personal. There is no right way to go about it , but these are just some small pointers to slowly get you out of the bubble of being shy while doing something good for yourself. Let me know how it goes buddy.
January 30, 2016 at 8:00 pm #94375
AnonymousGuestDear Matty:
I am glad you finally posted here. I read your post and I was wondering, did you have a romantic partner in the past? A girlfriend?
This is a personal question of course but in the context of you trying to connect with others and being 25, I thought it can be very helpful to share…?
anita
January 30, 2016 at 8:56 pm #94378MattyParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks for your reply, I have never been in a romantic relationship with anyone. I have always held the belief that if i struggle to make friends how could i possibly have a deep relationship with another. Although i have dated only a couple times, i have never been in a relationship. Truthfully, i scared if i ever was in a relationship, i just feel an unemployed 25 year old living with mum and dad as not exactly something a woman would be looking for.
Matty
January 31, 2016 at 8:40 am #94386AnonymousGuestDear Matty:
I picture a 6’3” serious looking 25 year old man in my mind, trying to not intimidate others with your size, like you wrote. Not connecting with younger people and yet, not much with anyone. I am curious as to why and what is going on. Of course, my mind goes (as it always does) to one’s childhood because it all starts there, the basic beliefs we have about life, how we fit in- or not- it all starts there. Would you like to share about your childhood, your relationships with your parents then…. and now? Your experience as a child???
anita
January 31, 2016 at 10:18 am #94396
ChenaiParticipantHey Matty,
I know you said you have joined clubs and done lunch dates but what about doing things that are wayyy out of your comfort zone, that forces everyone involved to let their head down and look a little bit silly. This could be anything from a gym class, dance classes, drama improv groups etc. There’s nothing wrong with being quiet or serious but maybe putting yourself in situations where people can see your light hearted side will help other peoples perception of you.
Much peace and love,
Chenai xx
February 2, 2016 at 10:54 am #94713AnonymousGuestDear Matty:
I hate to lose you, you not coming back to your thread. I suppose my question about your childhood didn’t sit well with you and if this is the case, I gladly withdraw it!
About your serious face and how it is perceived by other, I do want to examine this more with you, to look deeper into the connection with others. If you are reading this, are you available to talk about this, here?
If you are, here is just one question of many that you might not mind answering. You wrote: ” I also have morals and values that seemingly arch back to a generation long forgotten”- what morals and values are those?
anita
February 4, 2016 at 1:51 am #94924MattyParticipantHi Anita,
Sorry i haven’t checked the thread in a couple of days. No harm done. From a childhood perspective, i had a very ordinary (yet enjoyable) childhood. I love my parents, they love me. They have never been anything but supportive of my choices and abilities. I do have a younger brother, but we aren’t that close, he lives away from home and finished university a while ago. I guess the logical question is why? We are two very different people, very different likes and interests. Also he isn’t the nicest person to be around!If anything my final 2 years of high school were very serious time in my life, i wanted a job and started an apprenticeship at the same time. So i guess i was different because a lot of my friends at the time were just hanging out and going to proms etc. I know, looking back that i regret not going to the prom or doing ‘guy stuff’, but i was either too busy or genuinely not interested at that time. I just focused on working and earning money. I personally feel this was the transition point of my life. For instance, i didn’t keep in contact with anyone after some time (when i graduated). Mainly because the guys i would hangout with at school didn’t have money, were always partying and complaining about university and assignments. I no longer had anything in common with them, besides the fact we went to the same school. Eventually everyone went their separate ways. From that point I have built relationships with people, but mainly those that i used to work with, but even those are more meetups every Christmas for lunch, since i no longer work in that particular industry, hence University.
I guess i have always wanted friends like the ones i would see on TV. And i have met them throughout my life, but it’s always been quite fleeting. As i stated in a previous post, those people have pursed other lives and live abroad. Although social media makes it easier, it’s not really the same. I used watch the power rangers, teenager mutant ninja turtles, etc. the love they had for one another is what i always wanted. To be able to just be yourself, and understand who you are.
For the morals and values part, it’s difficult to explain, because i don’t fully understand why i wrote that. I think i should of said that i relate more to older generations, like music, dress, character, one’s pride and self-respect (which is why when i was working most of the people i got along with were way older than myself). These kinds of concepts. I’m not saying that i identify as a man out of time, but simply that i find comfort in these kinds of things. Maybe because nowadays everything seems so chaotic and ruthless. The grass is always greener on the other side, right?
Thanks for being interested, Anita.
February 4, 2016 at 1:52 am #94925MattyParticipantChenai, Thanks for your words and advice. I will definitely try my best.
February 4, 2016 at 8:05 am #94942AnonymousGuestDear Matty:
I am glad you answered and are still active on your thread (as well as having commented on others I didn’t read yet)!
About siblings: I recently learned, it became clear to me how it is most often the case that siblings are more different than strangers, that is two brothers are more likely to be most different than one brother and a non sibling. Siblings take different niches in a family, when one brother is this way, the other brother… automatically takes a different attitude, beliefs, behaviors. This is my experience. (I used to be confused about why my sister is so different than me… but now I understand).
You taking a different route in high school than your peers, caring to make a living, making money while they were in a party mode, does make one… more serious. And of course, I am not suggesting there is anything wrong with your route. There are benefits to it. But the topic of the thread is “struggling to fit in and connect”- and that is my focus.
What do you think motivated you in grade 9 or 10 to take apprenticeship while your peers did not? Where did this motivation come from? Where did the idea originate from: something suggested to you? Something you came up with… ?
anita
February 4, 2016 at 3:06 pm #94993MattyParticipantAnita,
I started working in grade 10, because i wanted to. There really wasn’t a conscious decision, it was like wanting to learn to drive a car. As for the apprenticeship, i started that the following year. At the time i loved cooking and baking and my hospitality classes were quite a lot of fun. I was about 20-21 when i completed my apprenticeship, which was when i decided that i wanted to purse something else, since in Australia (where i live) hospitality doesn’t pay kindly and the night shifts were destroying my body. honestly, at school, i wasn’t 100% sure what i wanted to do, i didn’t feel i could study further, so i went with an apprenticeship. My view changed over time, as i realised that i could do anything i set my mind to.I feel that by voicing my thoughts to strangers (usually its just me) i’m noticing that i’m just different, not in a bad way, but have different experiences and expectations then maybe the people i’m surrounded by. Also, because i have been doing many things by myself, whether simple things like going to the movies alone or big things like traveling solo, i’m so used to my own company, maybe it’s an unconscious ‘air’ that i give off to others? i guess i’m so used to figuring out my own issues, if not i use forums like this, where i can get suggestions and advice.
Thanks for reading, MattyFebruary 4, 2016 at 9:03 pm #95064AnonymousGuestDear Matty:
You wrote that you are struggling to connect with others and that you do not have a close relationship with anyone and never had a relationship with a woman (a romantic partner). But you don’t “sound” distressed to me. You … sound quite comfortable with who you are and with your solo life. would you say that you are comfortable?
Or is there distress that I am not perceiving?
anita
February 5, 2016 at 12:07 am #95087MattyParticipantAnita,
You know, i would say that i’m comfortable, the more i talk about it. I don’t think i was distressed to begin with, i think i was just lonely at the time and reflecting on the ‘what ifs’ of my life. I still struggle to connect, but maybe its actually because i’m contempt with myself that i don’t want to connect with others on an in depth level? is that possible? I guess i was rationalizing the difference with being alone versus being lonely. Thanks Anita for asking questions, it has helped me clear my thoughts. I just hope i haven’t taken too much of your time up.
MattyFebruary 5, 2016 at 8:12 am #95099AnonymousGuestDear Matty:
I am glad you started this thread and am very curious about you, so whatever time you took is the time I am interested in giving. And I am interested in learning from you, so as far as I am concerned, this thread is not over… that is, as far as my motivation goes. I am so interested in understanding your contentment being alone- this is unusual as most people have a greater need to be with others, and a need to be with a romantic partner, a girlfriend, in your case. I wonder and will be grateful to you if you help me understand, learn from you.
You wrote that your relationships with your parents are good and were good from the beginning. It makes me wonder if you got there all the love that you need, so much so (and most people do not get all the love they need from their parent/s) that you don’t need that much anymore.
And your serious looking (to others) expression, I wonder about it: the fact that you feel that you are fun loving and yet what comes across to others, you wrote, is someone “too serious.”
As I wrote, I am curious but I fully understand that it is not your job to satisfy my curiosity. So, only if there is a motivation on your part to further examine… please do post again,,,
anita
February 5, 2016 at 4:58 pm #95125MattyParticipantAnita,
I got a chuckle when i read ‘the thread is not over”. 😀 I have always kept a journal, but it doesn’t really write back, you know? this is kinda of therapeutic, so thank you for continuing to be curious.It is slightly strange, isn’t it, then again what’s normal? I wouldn’t mind meeting my other half or even pursuing a relationship with a woman, but i just haven’t yet. I do feel awkward around those that have partners, especially when invited for dinner and you’re the only one by yourself, getting asked the usual questions of; why are you still single? Although awkward, it ironically doesn’t make me want to go out and find a girl because of some concept of social norms. Maybe because my wants and needs don’t align? I want a lot of things in life, but few of them i actually need. I do believe you hit the nail on the head, by saying that i get more than enough care and love from my parents. I have mentioned to them a number of times that what they have with each other is what i want in a relationship. It is by no means smooth sailing, but to me what i see is what i consider normal, continual honesty mixed with with a loud of sarcasm. I have always thought that my parents were sort of the norm, not the exception. Maybe I could just be homely?
Maybe i have such a strong inner/ outer circle that the two are divided by an ocean? So, i might be unconsciously acting slightly differently in each one, so deep in my mind that the divide will never be bridged?
On the note of being serious, i have questioned myself and my family about why people don’t view me the same way that they do or even myself. Other posters have advised trying to step out of my comfort zone. Believe it or not, i have. When i traveled, i had roommates, went out partying and as they say ‘experienced’ life. But it kind of feels like i have done it a handful of times, okay, that’s all i needed. Maybe because it was in another country, that it erodes the legitimacy. It’s like when you go out for an expensive meal, you have it once, think it’s great, but your content in not ever going back. That’s how i feel. I join clubs at university, play sports, go out for lunches, but that; been there done that feeling arises.
It could be also what i have been exposed to. What i read, watch, experienced that have morphed and formed my current state.
This is quite hard. I’m struggling to explain myself and motivations. Anita, if you have any questions feel free to ask me. Because, otherwise i might end up just rambling on and on! So i will consider this part I. 😉
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