So I’ve never written much on forums before, let alone given people the thoughts from deep in the crevices of my mind but here goes….I’m off work at the moment with high anxiety and depression and am 90% sure I’m quitting. I’m a self employed chiropodist and work as an associate to a practice. I have been for 5 years. But struggled with the job and the responsibility that comes with it, even through training I knew I didn’t feel right doing it. But I was encouraged to get a good career and was told its good money. That was enough for me at the time. It was tough but I did it. I always felt like a fraud cos my heart was never fully in it. I’ve had anxiety in one form or another for as long as I can remember but not known it. My mental health has taken a hit this past year after splitting with my ex boyfriend and it affected my work and my life generally. See when I got to my early twenties I read a lot of self help books, I’ve been to countless therapists and psychotherapists, I’ve explored Buddhism and mindfulness and doing all that helped me get to the root of my issues: my upbringing and insecure attachment to my parents. After finding this out I wanted out, my aim and focus was to find a nice, level boyfriend to settle with. I found one but didn’t get the chemistry with him, however, his parents were amazing, so welcoming and full of love. They made me feel safe and like I’d found what was missing in my life. I really did care about Mark (my ex) but never felt like he understood me, that’s why after nearly 2 years the guilt and frustration got too much and I had to end it. It destroyed me mentally, not just because I was hurting Mark but because I was having to tear myself away from that security and stable love they made me feel. I’m 26, but don’t feel it. I feel like I’m an adult and know what an adult should be doing but I feel like there’s this wall that stops me. I want to get away from my family but feel like I need them because I’m messed up and they created this messedupness so they’re the ones who see me as normal. I think i missed the vital milestones for emotional stability and have always felt like something is missing in me. When I was younger I always felt this deep longing for something and I always told myself that this something would come to me when I got old enough to get away from my family and become independent. I realise looking back that most of my life had been spent listening to a lot of scary negatives about the world and about people and I’ve known for a while that this isn’t the case but it’s like this behaviour is now ingrained into me. I felt the freedom of love and oneness when I practiced mindfulness and filled my head with Buddhism a few years back but it didn’t take long for my confidence to be knocked and the anxiety to come flooding in. I used to have such a nieve and simple view of the world and this past year has Changed me but not in a good way. I could go on but think I’ve written enough for now. Thanks for reading and lending an ear Tiny Buddha’s x