Well, I think this is going to be a long one so I’ll try and condense it.
I was with my partner for 5 years, we were engaged to be married next year and have a 2 year old.
The relationship started off great as they do, then he proposed, I said yes and by this time we had been together a while and were living together, we would occasionally argue.
It’s important I mention here once we got into a big argument and I slapped him, something I’m not proud of and apologised for ever since and he continuously brings it up, anyway he was always really verbally abusive before that point when he was angry and would punish me if I did or said something that he felt was wrong or disagreed with – hence why I stupidly slapped him one day out of sheer frustration. Anyway I swore to him i was sorry and would never do it again as was out of character and I didn’t.
Anyway, the relationship got worse when I found out I was pregnant and he argued with me one day, through pizza in my face left, came back, then his dad died a couple of months later and a new rollercoster began, he left me again and came back, people blamed his dad dying and I was so scared of being alone and pregnant again I took him back.
Then we moved into our new house and the real stuff began, he would push me and break things (whilst I was pregnant) pull my hair, tell me I’m an ugly slag and so much more. He again left whilst I was heavily pregnant and I was distraught. Again he wanted to talk and I took him back.
I was very scared of being pregnant and alone, I felt disconnected from the friends I once had, was on maternity leave with very low income and felt guilty that my baby deserved more.
Even the day I went into labour he fell out with me and I drove myself to hospital.
Now I’m not saying I have been an angel in the relationship but I know I have a good heart and always tried to support him but would never meet his expectations.
Fast forward 5 months. Things had been fine, I couldn’t believe it but he was the man I met again, then again he left one night with no warning, told me he hated me etc. I told him to take time out at his mum’s and see how he feels, he told everyone i kicked him out.
He made my first mothers day awful, I know it’s a materialistic day and I didn’t want presents I just wanted to be a family.
Fast forward again he came home and again I took him back.
Things changed again, he seemed happy again and thus the relationship seemed to work again, we traveled, made plans for the future, talked about more children, I went back to work, it was looking good.
Then again his vicious moods and mouth reappeared. I couldn’t clean properly, cook properly or meet any of his expectations. I was boring and much more. I carried on trying to meet his expectations and make him happy to make the relationship happy again and then all of a sudden after a lovely Christmas and new years he left again. New years eve he was telling me it was our year and we were going far together. 3 days later he smashed my oven and told me he can’t stand me or anything about me, that I don’t care about our African heritage enough, I believe everything the government say and he hates it (I don’t know where those remarks came from) that he can’t even stand the way I look when I’m just relaxing because he hates me so much. The night before he had given me a letter telling me how much he loves me?? He tried to strangle me because I didn’t want to be intimate with him, namely because I said he doesn’t make me feel wanted and then all of a sudden I have to make myself available for him.
There are so many other things but we would be here for days.

The thing I’m struggling with is i know the relationship was abusive, I know it wasn’t healthy for me and my son, I feel emotionally and physically better since he left. I have a strong support network around me this time and a good job and things to look forward too. He’s been gone 2.5 months and I’ve been on 2 holidays with friends and my son and got a promotion so I’m doing things for me and my boy, and it feels great, I feel I’m meeting my old happy independent self again …..

But, the guilt and his voice are still there. Sometimes I do something and hear him criticising me. The good days are more frequent but when I miss him boy do I miss him. It doesn’t help I have to see him for our son, but I try to remain strong and avoid too much conversation as he tries to fight me for any reason. He’s no control anymore so he will find anything to try and control me with and now I can see it for what it is so I am able to stay strong.

But I miss the good him, I question if I could of tried harder, I question will I meet someone who doesn’t make me feel this way. This is all I’ve known and I’m scared, but in my heart I feel as though there is more out there, someone who will love me for who I am.

I feel like damaged goods. I don’t know what was real in the relationship and what was a lie. I have accepted I will never get closure from him, so I’m trying to find it within myself but it’s so hard.

My family don’t know the extent of the abuse so it’s hard to talk to them truthfully about how I am struggling to come to terms with things as I don’t think it’s the same as a normal healthy relationship ending up